and I'm gonna make this happen,
holding grandbaby in
my arms, you know,
and lay on the floor so
when my daughter comes home,
she can have to live
the rest of her life
knowing that her
dad took his life
while he was watching her
daughter, our granddaughter.
That was pretty low,
and that was what I was doing.
So, absolutely
reckless, irrational.
My subconscious says,
I need, I need help.
You know, who do I call?
- There's things that
we all go through
that we don't necessarily
wanna talk about,
and bring to the forefront.
And they're hard, and
they're difficult,
and they're challenging.
There were things
that he brought up.
For one, sleeping
with loaded weapons
next to his pillowcase,
and how much he was drinking,
how close he was to suicide.
He didn't confide
those things in me.
- You raise your hand, you've
been this high performer
in situations that
are life and death.
My life has gone off the
rails, and I need help.
The first answer
was like, you know,
put him on an antianxiety pill.
Put him on a benzodiazepine,
put him on an antidepressant.
You can't sleep?
Put him on sleeping pills.
You can't stay awake?
Put him on methamphetamine.
- They pumped Xanax,
Lexapro, and Ambien
were the three
medications that I was on.
- I remember just trying
to look right, or left
with my eyes or my
head, and I couldn't.
And so I requested to
go to the hospital,
the scans came up clean.
They gave me Percocet,
and sent me on my way.
- The psychotherapy
begat more psychotherapy,
and the medication
begat more medication.
Throw in drinking, throw
in not sleeping well,
having a poor diet,
and everything else,
and now you have a true
recipe for disaster.
- I remember going
to sleep on a Monday,
and I woke up Tuesday
the next week.
My heart had stopped,
and I was in a coma.
- He would go upstairs
and just lay in the closet
in the fetal position,
and I was constantly telling
the kids to be quiet.
I didn't want them
to make any noise.
I didn't want them
to bother him.
I didn't know what to
do, so I left him alone.
I just had to let
him work it out.
I had no idea what
he was going through.
- And so the side
effects, and the symptoms
that I experience from, as a
result of these medications
were worse off than
when I started.
- Of course, he always
thought I was the crazy one.
I, and at one point I remember
standing in front of the
refrigerator and saying,
"You make me so angry,
"I just want to kill
myself," because...
(Becky sniffles)
Sorry.
- We're talking about
people that are ready
to end their lives,
because it's so bad.
Talking about people that,
no matter what kind of
thoughts they put in to like,
trying to be good,
or live a happy life,
or they love their family,
but when you have this
weight, and this gravity
that consumes you, no
matter what you want to do,
and you can't overcome it,
even as much as you want to,
and you're trying
everything you can do,
it's a miserable existence.
- My identity was
in special forces,
and that was taken away because
of the medical injuries.
And this is probably
gonna be the new you.
You're gonna be on
these medications,
take a pen and a pad
everywhere you go,
and learn how to live
within these new parameters.
(dramatic music)
- I must've been
eight or 10 years old
when I rode my first wave.
Mavericks is a particular wave
that's up in Half Moon Bay.
It's one of the biggest
waves in the world.
It's probably the most
challenging wave to paddle into.
And it's really, really famous.
And it's only an
hour from my house,
and the wave that I loved,
and spent 10 years straight
surfing every time it broke.
(waves crashing)
I remember surfing with
my dad, and my brother.
The first time he took me out,
riding that first
wave on my own,
and just being totally hooked.
(waves crashing)
When I started surfing
professionally,
I must've been
about 25 years old.
It's pretty crazy to be
in the Guinness Book
of World Records.
I have two records in there,
and it was kind of
always the plan.
Like, when I surfed big waves,
my goal was always
to try to catch
the biggest wave in the world.
And I did that at Mavericks,
and I cut a 55 footer,
set a world record,
and that was incredible.
And then I did it two
years later at Cortes Bank.
I caught a 61 foot wave,
and broke the record again.
So, you know, for me,
it's just something
that I'll always remember.
Like, set two world records?
That's crazy.
Like, a childhood dream
come true type of thing.
- We'd go up there
and watch the contest,
and you kinda just
hold your breath
until he's out safe, you know?
- You know, you fall
all the time surfing,
not that big of a deal,
but surfing some
pretty hazardous waves.
So, from the brain
scans that I've done,
they show that
I've had hundreds,
if not thousands of concussions.
- The actual definition
of concussion
is a biomechanical
force to the head
that results in
pathophysiological changes.
And so these changes
can be as simple as
lack of blood flow
to that tissue.
It can again be the shearing
and tearing of the neurons,
the stretching of the axons.
(dramatic music)
- The big concussion, the
big TBI that I suffered
this most significant
damage from
was coming up here
to three years.
It was, I was surfing
down in Big Sur,
and I went head
first into a rock,
and I broke my neck
in four places.
I barely stayed conscious,
and I was in a
really bad situation.
Long story short was I survived.
Broken neck was what
everyone was worried about,
but to me, it was my
brain wasn't working.
Everything was off,
everything was really bad.
It was really
dark, it was scary.
But, I didn't have my
neck collar on anymore
after like four months, and
everyone thinks I'm fine.
Meanwhile, my life is
an absolute disaster,
but they can't see it.
That impact into that
rock was kind of the straw
that broke the camel's back.
My brain just collapsed.
I was becoming such a,
like a virus to my family
that it wasn't fair
for me to be here.
Even though they
wouldn't want that, but.
- [Woman] Did you ever
feel like killing yourself
- [Shawn] Yeah, many times.
- [Woman] How were you thinking,
or what were you thinking?
(Shawn sighs)
- Swim out in the ocean,
and just drown myself.
I mean, I knew how to barely
stay alive from drowning.
I knew what it would be like,
and it just seemed
like all I gotta do
is just hold my breath,
and I can do that.
I dunno, it was just like I had,
I didn't wanna do that,
but it became like an obsession.
I couldn't turn
off that message,
that the only way out
of this is just to go.
(emotional music)
- So initially, when
Shawn came to see us,
he was depressed, and hopeless.
Had memory problems
and brain fog.
- He was up all night
from the pain meds
giving him insomnia.
And she was up all night.
So, I literally didn't sleep.
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