安妮·霍尔 Annie Hall (1977)【完整台词】

Thanks for talking to me.

Even as a kid, I went for the wrong
women. I think that's my problem.

When my mother took me
to see Snow White...

everyone fell in love with Snow White,
and I fell for the wicked queen.

- We never have any fun anymore.
- How can you say that?

Why not? You're always
leaning on me to improve myself.

You're upset. You must be
getting your period.

I don't get a period. I'm a cartoon
character. Can't I be upset sometimes?

Max, forget about Annie.
I know lots of women you can date.

I don't want to go out
with other women.

Max, I've got a girl for you.
You are going to love her.
She's a reporter for Rolling Stone.

There are more people here
to see the Maharishi...

than there were
to see the Dylan concert.

I covered the Dylan concert,
which gave me chills.

Especially when he sang,
"She takes just like a woman...

and she makes love
just like a woman.

Yes, she does.

And she aches just like a woman...

but she breaks
just like a little girl."

Up to that, the most
charismatic event I covered...

was Mick's birthday when the Stones
played Madison Square Garden.

That's just great.

You catch Dylan?

No, I couldn't make it.
My raccoon had hepatitis.

You have a raccoon?

A few.

The only word for this
is "transplendent."

- It's transplendent.
- I can think of another word.

He's God.
I mean, this man is God.

He's got millions of followers,
who would crawl across the world...

just to touch
the hem of his garment.

It must be a tremendous hem.

- I'm a Rosicrucian myself.
- Are you?

I can't get with any religion that
advertises in Popular Mechanics. Look.

There's God coming out
of the men's room.

It's unbelievably transplendent!

I was at the Stones' concert
when they killed that guy. Remember?

Were you?
I was at an Alice Cooper thing...

where six people were rushed
to the hospital with bad vibes.

I hope you don't mind
that I took so long to finish.

Me? No. Don't be silly.

I'm starting to get some feeling
back in my jaw now.

Sex with you is really
a Kafkaesque experience.

Thank you.

I mean that as a compliment.

I think there's too much burden
placed on the orgasm...

to make up for empty areas
in life.

Who said that?

I don't know. I think
it may have been Leopold and Loeb.

Hello.

No. What's the matter?

You sound terrible.

No, what... Sure, I...

What kind of emergency?

No, stay there.
I'll come over right now.

Just stay there.
I'll come right over.

It's me. Open up.
Are you okay?

What's the matter?
Are you all right?

There's a spider in the bathroom.

- What?
- There's a big spider in the bathroom.

You got me here at 3:00 a.m.
'cause a spider's in the bathroom?

You know how I am about insects. I can't
sleep with that thing crawling around.

Kill it!
What's wrong with you?

Don't you have Raid in the house?

I told you a thousand times
to keep a lot of insect spray.

- You never know who will crawl over.
- I know.

And a first aid kit
and fire extinguisher.

Give me a magazine,
'cause I'm a little tired.

You make fun of me,
but I'm prepared for anything.

An emergency, a tidal wave,
an earthquake.

What is this?
Did you go to a rock concert?

Yeah.

Really?
How'd you like it?

Was it heavy? Did it achieve
total "heavyosity"?

It was just great!

I've got an idea. Call the guy
who took you to the rock concert...

and he can come and kill the spider.

I called you.
You want to help me or not?

Since when do you read the National
Review? What are you turning into?

I like to get all points of view.

Wonderful. Get William F. Buckley
to kill the spider.

You're a little hostile,
you know that?

Not only that,
you look thin and tired.

It's 3:00 in the morning.
You got me out of bed.

I ran over. I couldn't get a taxi.
You said it was an emergency.

I ran up the stairs.

I was more attractive
when the evening began.

Are you going with
a right-wing rock-and-roll star?

Would you like
a glass of chocolate milk?

- What am I, your son? I came over for...
- I've got the good chocolate.

- Where's the spider?
- It's in the bathroom.

Don't squish it. After it's dead,
flush it down the toilet, okay?

I've been killing spiders
since I was 30. Okay?

It's a very big spider.
A lot of trouble. There's two of 'em.

I didn't think it was that big,
but it's a major spider.

- You got a broom or snow shovel?
- I left it at your house. I'm sorry.

What are you doing?

There's a spider in your bathroom
the size of a Buick.

- You got black soap?
- It's for my complexion.

Are you joining a minstrel show?

Don't worry.

I did it. I killed them both.
What's the matter?

What are you sad about? Did you want me
to capture and rehabilitate 'em?

- Don't go, please.
- What do you mean?

What's the matter?
Are you expecting termites?

What's the matter?

I don't know. I miss you.

Jesus! Really?

- Alvy?
- What?

Was there somebody in your room
when I called you?

- What do you mean?
- I mean, I thought I heard a voice.

I had the radio on.
I'm sorry, it was the television.

Let's never break up again.
I don't want to be apart.

I think we're both much too mature
for something like that.

Living together hasn't been so bad,
has it?

For me it's been terrific.
You know?

Better than either of my marriages.

There's something different about you.
I don't know what, but it's great.

I think, if you let me,
I could help you have more fun.

I know it's hard. Yeah.

What if we go away this weekend?

Why don't we get Rob, and the three
of us would drive into Brooklyn?

We could show you the old neighborhood.
That'd be fun for you.

Yeah, I'd love it.

God, it's a great day!

Watch the road!
You'll total the car!

I've never been to Brooklyn.

- I can't wait to see the neighborhood.
- The neighborhood will be great.

- We could show her the schoolyard.
- I was a great athlete. Tell her.

I was all-schoolyard.

They threw him a football once.
He tried to dribble it.

I used to lose
my glasses a lot.

Look! That's my old house.
That's where I used to live.

Holy cow!

You're lucky. Where I used to live
is now a pornographic equipment store.

I had some very
good memories there.

What good memories, your mother
and father fighting all the time?

And over the most ridiculous things.

- You fired the cleaning woman?
- She was stealing!

But she's colored.
The colored have enough trouble!

- She was going through my purse.
- They're persecuted enough.

- Who's persecuting? She stole!
- So? We can afford it.

How can we afford it, on your pay?
What if she steals more?

She's a colored woman from Harlem.
She has no money.

She has a right to steal from us.
Who can she steal from if not from us?

- You're both crazy.
- They can't hear you.

Leo, I married a fool!

What's that?

That's the welcome home party, 1945,
for my cousin Herbie.

Look. That over there
is Joey Nichols.

He was my father's friend. He was
always bothering me when I was a kid.

Joey Nichols.
See? Nickels.

See? Nickels.
You see? Nickels.

You can always remember my name.
Just think of Joey Five-Cents.

That's me.
Joey Five-Cents.

What an asshole.

The one who killed me the most
was my mother's sister, Tessie.

I was always the sister
with good common sense...

but Tessie was always the one
with personality.

When she was younger,
they all wanted to marry Tessie.

Do you believe Tessie
had the personality?

- She's the life of the ghetto no doubt.
- She was once a great beauty.

Tessie, they say you were the sister
with personality.

I was a great beauty!

- How did this personality come about?
- I was very charming.

There were many men
interested in you?

I was quite a lively dancer.

It's very hard to believe.

I had a really good day.
It was a fine way to spend my birthday.

- Your birthday isn't until tomorrow.
- But it's real close.

But no presents until midnight.

Happy birthday.

What is this? Is this a present?
Are you kidding?

Yeah. Why don't you try it on?

- This is more like a present for you.
- It'll add ten years to our sex life.

Yeah. Forget it.

Here's a real present.

- What is this anyway?
- Check it out.

You knew I wanted this.
God, it's terrific!

Just put on the watch and that thing.
It'll be perfect.