安妮·霍尔 Annie Hall (1977)【完整台词】

Let me explain how I work.
You can tell off the bat...

that I don't look like a funny guy
like some of the guys.

You know they're going to tell you their
stories, you're going to fall down.

But I gotta be really talented.
Material's got to be sensational for me.

I work... I'm kind of classy.
Know what I mean?

Let me explain.
I'll open with an opening song.

The music will start.

I walk out.
Place looks wonderful from here

You folks look wonderful from here

And seeing you there
With a smile on your face

Makes me shout
This must be the place

I stop, and then I open with some jokes.
That's where I need you.

I'll say, "I just got back from Canada.
They speak a lot of French.

The only word to know is 'John Dark.' It
means the light's out in the bathroom.

- I met a big lumberjack."
- Jesus, this guy's pathetic.

Look at him mincing around.
Boy, thinks he's real cute.

You want to throw up.

If only I had the nerve
to do my own jokes.

I don't know how much longer I can keep
this smile frozen on my face.

I'm in the wrong business.
I know it.

"But, cherie...

what will I do with this, eh?"

He says, "Oh, Marie,
sometime you make me so mad!"

They scream at that.
Write me something like that, will you?

Kind of a French number.
Can you do it?

Where am I?
I have to reorient myself.

This is the University
of Wisconsin, right?

Because I'm always tense
when I'm playing a college.

I have a bad history with colleges.
I went to New York University.

And I was thrown out of NYU
my freshman year...

for cheating on my metaphysics final.

I looked within the soul
of the boy sitting next to me.

My mother, an emotionally high-strung
woman, locked herself in the bathroom...

and took an overdose
of mah-jongg tiles.

I was depressed at that time.
I was in analysis.

I was suicidal, as a matter of fact,
and would have killed myself...

but I was in analysis
with a strict Freudian.

And if you kill yourself, they make you
pay for the sessions you miss.

Alvy, you were just great.
I'm not kidding.

College audiences are wonderful.

You know what? I think I'm starting
to get more of the references, too.

Are you? The 12:00 show
is completely different than the 9:00.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow. It'll
be nice. You'll meet Mother and Father.

They'll hate me immediately.

No, I don't think they're going
to hate you at all. Contrary.

It's Easter. We'll sit down and eat.
I think they'll really like you.

It's a nice ham this year, Mom.

Grammy always does such a good job.

Great sauce.

It is.
It's dynamite ham.

We went to the swap meet.

Annie, Gram and I.
Got some nice picture frames.

We really had a good time.

Ann tells us you've been seeing
a psychiatrist for 15 years.

Yes. I'm making excellent progress.

Soon, when I lie down on his couch,
I won't have to wear the lobster bib.

- Duane and I went to the boat basin.
- We caulked hulls all day.

And Randolph Hunt was drunk as usual.

That Randolph Hunt!
You remember Randy Hunt, Annie.

- He was in the choir with you.
- Oh, yes.

I can't believe this family.

Annie's mother is really beautiful.

And they're talking swap meets
and boat basins.

The old lady at the end of the table
is a classic Jew-hater.

They really look American, healthy,
like they never get sick or anything.

Nothing like my family.
The two are like oil and water.

Ah, let him drop dead.
Who needs his business?

- His wife has diabetes.
- Diabetes? Is that an excuse?

The man is 50 years old
and doesn't have a substantial job.

Is that a reason to steal
from your partner?

You don't know what
you're talking about.

Defend him!

Pass the brisket.

Mo Moskowitz.
He had a coronary.

You don't say!

How do you plan to spend the holidays,
Mrs. Singer?

- We fast.
- Fast?

No food.
You know, to atone for our sins.

What sins?
I don't understand.

Neither do we.

Hi, Duane. How's it going?

- This is my room.
- Oh, yeah? It's terrific.

Can I confess something?

I tell you this, because, as an artist,
I think you'll understand.

Sometimes when I'm driving...

on the road at night...

I see two headlights
coming toward me, fast.

I have this impulse
to turn the wheel quickly...

head-on into the oncoming car.

I can anticipate the explosion.

The sound of shattering glass.

The flames rising out
of the flowing gasoline.

Right.

I have to go now, Duane, because
I'm due back on the planet Earth.

Don't let it be so long now.

- Look up Uncle Billy, promise.
- He is adorable.

- You'll take them to the airport now?
- No. Duane can.

- I haven't finished my drink.
- Yes, Duane is. I'll be right...

You followed me.
I can't believe it!

- I didn't follow you.
- You followed me!

Because I was walking a block behind
staring at you? That's not following.

- What's your definition of "following"?
- Following is different. I was spying.

Do you realize
how paranoid you are?

Paranoid? I'm looking at you, and you've
got your arms around another guy.

That is the worst kind of paranoid!

I didn't start out spying. I thought I'd
surprise you, pick you up after school.

You wanted to keep the relationship
flexible, remember? It's your phrase.

You're having an affair
with your college professor!

That jerk that teaches that crap course,
"Contemporary Crisis in Western Man."

"Existential Motifs in Russian
Literature." You're really close.

What's the difference?
It's all mental masturbation.

Now we're getting to a subject
you know something about.

Don't knock masturbation.
It's sex with someone I love.

We're not having an affair. He's
married. He happens to think I'm neat.

Are you 12 years old? That's one
of your Chippewa Falls expressions.

Who cares?

Next he'll find you're keen and peachy.
Then he'll have his hand on your ass.

You've had hostility towards David
ever since I mentioned him.

- You call your teacher David?
- It's his name.

It's a Biblical name, right?
Does he call you Bathsheba?

Alvy, you're the one who never wanted
to make a real commitment.

You don't think I'm smart enough.
We had that argument last month...

or don't you remember that day?

- I'm home!
- How'd it go?

It was really weird,
but she's a very nice woman.

I didn't have to lie on the couch.
She had me sitting up.

I told her about the family
and my feelings towards men...

and my relationship with my brother.

Then she mentioned penis envy.
Do you know about that?

I'm one of the few males
who suffers from that. Go on.

She said I was guilty about my impulses
towards marriage and children.

Then, I remembered, when I was a kid, I
accidentally saw my parents making love.

All this happened the first hour?
That's amazing.

I've been going for 15 years.
I don't have nothing like that.

I told her my dream,
and then I cried.

You cried. I've never once cried.
That's fantastic to me.

I whine.
I sit and I whine.

In my dream, Frank Sinatra is holding
this pillow across my face...

and I can't breathe.

He's strangling me.

Sure, because he's a singer,
and you're a singer. It's perfect.

You're trying to suffocate yourself.
It makes perfect sense.

That's a perfect analytic insight.

She said your name was Alvy Singer.

- What do you mean, me?
- Yeah, you.

Because in the dream,
I break Sinatra's glasses.

You never said Sinatra had glasses.
Are you saying I'm suffocating you?

God, I did this really terrible thing
to him...

because then when he sang,
it was in this real high-pitch voice.

- What'd the doctor say?
- I should come five times a week.

I don't think I mind analysis at all.
The question is, will it change my wife?

- Will it change your wife?
- Will it change my life?

- But you said "wife."
- No, I said "life."

- No, you said "wife."
- "Life!" I said "life."

She said "wife." You heard that,
because you were there. I'm not crazy.

Then I told her I didn't think
you'd ever take me seriously...

because you don't think
I'm smart enough.

Why do you bring that up? Because I
encourage you to take adult education?

It's a wonderful thing. You meet
wonderful, interesting professors.

Adult education is junk. The professors
are phony. How can you do it?

I don't care what you say about David.
He's a fine teacher.

And why are you following me around?
We should call this relationship quits.

That's fine. That's great.
I don't know what I did wrong.

Somewhere she cooled off to me.
Is it something that I did?

It's never something you do.
That's how people are. Love fades.

Love fades.
God, that's a depressing thought.

I have to ask you a question.
Don't go any further.

With your wife, in bed, does she need
some kind of artificial stimulation...

like marijuana?

We use a large vibrating egg.

A large vibrating egg.

I ask a psychopath,
I get that kind of answer. Jesus!

You look like a very happy couple.

- Are you?
- Yeah.

How do you account for it?

I'm very shallow and empty,
and I have no ideas...

and nothing interesting to say.

- I'm exactly the same way.
- I see.

That's interesting. So you've
managed to work out something?

Right.