安妮·霍尔 Annie Hall (1977)【完整台词】

You know something else?
You're so egocentric that...

if I miss my therapy you can only think
of it in terms of how it affects you!

They're probably on their first date.

Probably met by answering an ad
in the New York Review of Books.

"Thirtyish academic
wishes to meet woman...

who's interested in Mozart,
James Joyce and sodomy."

What do you mean
"our sexual problem"?

I'm comparatively normal
for a guy raised in Brooklyn.

I'm sorry. My sexual problem.
Okay? My sexual problem!

I never read that. That was Henry James'
sequel to Turn of the Screw?

It's the influence of television.

Marshall McLuhan deals with it
in terms of it being a high intensity.

Do you understand?
A hot medium.

What I wouldn't give for a large sock
with horse manure in it.

What do you do when you get stuck
on a movie line with a guy like this?

Wait. Why can't I give my opinion?
It's a free country!

He can.
Do you have to give it so loud?

Aren't you ashamed
to pontificate like that?

The funny part is, you don't know
anything about Marshall McLuhan.

I happen to teach a class at Columbia
called "TV, Media and Culture."

I think my insights into Mr. McLuhan
have a great deal of validity.

Do you? That's funny, because I happen
to have Mr. McLuhan right here.

Just let me...
Come over here. Tell him.

I heard what you were saying.

You know nothing of my work.
You mean my whole fallacy is wrong.

How you ever got to teach a course
in anything is totally amazing!

If life were only like this.

June 14, 1940.
The German army occupies Paris.

All over the country,
people are desperate for food.

Those guys in the French Resistance
were really brave.

To have to listen
to Maurice Chevalier sing so much.

I know. Sometimes I ask myself
how I'd stand up under torture.

You? You kidding?

The Gestapo would take away your charge
card, and you'd tell 'em everything.

That movie makes me feel guilty.

It's supposed to.

- Alvy, I...
- What?

What's the matter?

It's not natural.
We're sleeping in a bed together.

It's been a long time!

It's just, I mean...

I've got to sing tomorrow night,
so I have to rest my voice.

It's always some kind of an excuse.
You used to think I was very sexy.

When we first started going out,
we had sex constantly.

We're probably listed in
The Guiness Book of World Records.

It'll pass. I'm going
through a phase, that's all.

You've been married before.
You know how things can get.

You were very hot
for Allison at first.

You know that you're on right
after Chris Brown, in about 20 minutes.

Excuse me.
When do I go on?

Who are you?

Alvy Singer.

- I'm the comedian.
- Oh, comedian.

Oh, you're on next.

What do you mean "next"?

You're on right after this act.

- It can't be, because he's a comic.
- Yes.

- You're putting on two comics in a row?
- Why not?

No, I'm sorry. I'm not going to go on
after another comedian.

- It's okay.
- No. They're laughing. I'd rather not.

Will you relax, please?
They're going to love you.

I know. I prefer not to.
Look, they're laughing at him.

What are you telling me?
They'll laugh at him a few minutes.

Then I've got to get laughs, too.
How much can they laugh?

- They're laughed out.
- Do you feel all right?

Jesus.

- What's your name?
- Allison.

Yeah? Allison what?

Portchnik.

- Portchnik? That's nice.
- Thank you.

So, you work for Stevenson
all the time?

- No. I'm doing my thesis.
- On what?

Political commitment
in 20th-century literature.

You're like New York Jewish,
left-wing, intellectual...

Central Park West, Brandeis University,
socialist summer camps...

and the father
with the Ben Shahn drawings...

really strike-oriented...

Stop me before I make
a complete imbecile of myself.

That was wonderful! I love being reduced
to a cultural stereotype.

Right. I'm a bigot,
but for the left.

I have to go out there.
Say something encouraging, quickly.

- I think you're cute.
- Yeah? Do you?

Go ahead.

I don't know why they would have me
at this kind of rally...

'cause I'm not essentially
a political comedian.

I interestingly had dated a woman...

in the Eisenhower administration,
briefly.

It was ironic to me...

'cause I was trying to do to her...

what Eisenhower's been doing
to the country for the last eight years.

I'm sorry.
I can't go through with this.

I can't get it off my mind!
It's obsessing me!

I'm getting tired of it.
I need your attention.

But it doesn't make any sense.
He drove past the book depository...

and the police said conclusively
that it was an exit wound.

So how is it possible for Oswald
to have fired from two angles at once?

It doesn't make sense!

I'll tell you this.
He was not marksman enough...

to hit a moving target at that range.

But if there was a second assassin...

- That's it!
- We've been through this.

They recovered the shells
from that rifle.

What are you saying now?

That everybody on the Warren Commission
is in on this conspiracy, right?

Why not?

- Earl Warren?
- Honey, I don't know Earl Warren.

Lyndon Johnson?

Lyndon Johnson is a politician!

You know the ethics those guys have.
It's a notch underneath child molester.

Then everybody's in on the conspiracy.

The FBI and the CIA and J. Edgar Hoover,
the oil companies...

the Pentagon, the men's-room attendant
at the White House?

I would leave out
the men's-room attendant.

You're using this conspiracy theory
as an excuse to avoid sex with me.

Oh, my God!
She's right.

Why did I turn off Allison Portchnik?

She was beautiful. She was willing.
She was real intelligent.

Is it the old Groucho Marx joke...

that I don't want to belong to any club
that would have me for a member?

- Alvy, don't panic!
- It's a mistake...

to bring a live thing in the house.

Don't do that.

Maybe we should call the police.
Dial 911. It's the lobster squad.

They're only baby ones.
For God sakes.

- If they're babies, you pick them up.
- All right! All right!

- Here you go!
- Don't give it to me.

Look! One crawled
behind the refrigerator.

It'll turn up in our bed at night.
Get out of here with that thing!

Talk to him.
You speak shellfish.

Hey, put it in the pot.

I can't. I can't put a live thing
in hot water.

What d'you think we were going to do,
take him to the movies?

Good. Oh, thank you.

Okay, it's in.
It's definitely in the pot.

Annie, there's a big lobster
behind the refrigerator.

I can't get it out.
This thing's heavy.

Maybe if I put a dish of butter sauce
here, it'll run out the other side.

I'm going to get my camera.

I think if I could pry...

We should have gotten steaks, 'cause
they don't have legs and run around.

- Pick this lobster up. Hold it, please.
- You're going to take pictures now?

Alvy, it'll be wonderful.
Oh, lovely!

- It's disgusting.
- One more, please? One more.

Good!

Here's what I want to know.
Am I your first, big romance?

- Who was?
- There was Dennis from high school.

Local kid who'd meet you in front
of the movie house on Saturday night?

- You should've seen how I looked then.
- I can imagine. An astronaut's wife.

- Then there was Jerry, the actor.
- Look at you.

You're such a clown.

- I look pretty.
- You always do. But that guy with you!

Acting is like an exploration
of the soul. It's very religious.

Like a kind of
liberating consciousness.

It's like a visual poem.

Is he kidding with that crap?

Oh, right!

Right. I think I know exactly what
you mean when you say "religious."

- You do?
- Come on. I was younger.

That was last year!

It's like when I think of dying.
You know how I'd like to die?

How?

I'd like to get torn apart
by wild animals.

- Heavy! Eaten by some squirrels.
- He was a terrific actor.

He's neat looking
and he was emotional.

I don't think you like
emotion too much.

Touch my heart with your foot.

I may throw up.

- He was creepy.
- Yeah!

- You're pretty lucky I came along.
- Oh, really? La-de-dah!

If anyone ever told me
that I'd be taking out a girl...

who used expressions
like "la-de-dah"...

That's right. You really like
those New York girls.

- Not just. Not only.
- I'd say so. You married two of them.

There's Henry Drucker.

There's Henry Drucker.

He has a Chair in History
at Princeton.

The short man is Hershel Kaminsky.
He has a Chair in Philosophy at Cornell.

Two more chairs,
they got a dining room set.

- Why are you so hostile?
- I want to watch the Knicks on TV.

Is that Paul Goodman? No.