安妮·霍尔 Annie Hall (1977)【完整台词】

There's an old joke.

Two elderly women are
at a Catskill mountain resort.

One says, "The food at this place
is really terrible."

The other says,
"I know, and such small portions."

That's essentially
how I feel about life:

full of loneliness, misery,
suffering and unhappiness...

and it's all over
much too quickly.

The other important joke for me...

is one usually attributed
to Groucho Marx...

but it appears originally in Freud's
Wit and Its Relation to the Unconscious.

It goes like this, I'm paraphrasing:
I never want to belong to any club that
would have someone like me for a member.

That's the key joke of my adult life
in terms of my relationships with women.

Lately the strangest things
have been going through my mind...

because I turned 40, and I guess
I'm going through a life crisis.

I'm not worried about aging.
I'm not one of those characters.

But I'm balding slightly on top. That's
about the worst you can say about me.

I think I'm going to get better
as I get older.

I think I'm going to be
the balding, virile type...

as opposed to the distinguished gray.

Unless I'm neither of those two.

Unless I'm one of those guys with saliva
dribbling out of his mouth...

who wanders into a cafeteria with a
shopping bag, screaming about socialism.

Annie and I broke up, and I still
can't get my mind around that.

I keep sifting the pieces
of the relationship through my mind...
examining my life and trying to
figure out where did the screwup come.

A year ago we were in love.

It's funny. I'm not a morose type.
I'm not a depressive character.

I was a reasonably happy kid.

I was brought up in Brooklyn
during World War II.

He's been depressed.

- Suddenly he can't do anything.
- Why are you depressed, Alvy?

Tell Dr. Flicker.
It's something he read.

Something he read, huh?

- The universe is expanding.
- The universe is expanding?

The universe is everything,
and if it's expanding...

someday it will break apart,
and that will be the end of everything.

What is that your business?
He stopped doing his homework!

- What's the point?
- What's the universe got to do with it?

You're here in Brooklyn.
Brooklyn is not expanding!

It won't be expanding
for billions of years!

We've got to try and enjoy ourselves
while we're here! Huh?

My analyst says I exaggerate
my childhood memories...

but I swear I was brought up
underneath the roller coaster...

in the Coney Island section
of Brooklyn.

Maybe that accounts for my personality,
which is a little nervous.

I have a hyperactive imagination.
My mind tends to jump around a little.

I have some trouble
between fantasy and reality.

My father ran
the bumper-car concession.

There he is, and there I am.

I used to get my aggression out
through those cars.

I remember the staff
at our public school.

We had a saying,
"Those who can't do, teach...

and those who can't teach,
teach gym."

And those who couldn't do anything,
I think, were assigned to our school.

I must say, I always thought
my schoolmates were idiots.

Melvyn Greenglass
and his fat little face.

And Henrietta Farrell,
Miss Perfect all the time.

And Ivan Ackerman,
always the wrong answer. Always!

Seven and three is nine.

Even then I knew
they were just jerks.

In 1942 I had already discovered women.

He kissed me!

That's the second time this month!
Step up here.

- What did I do?
- Step up here.

- What did I do?
- You should be ashamed of yourself.

Why? I was just expressing
a healthy sexual curiosity.

Six-year-old boys
don't have girls on their minds.

I did.

For God sakes, Alvy, even Freud
speaks of a latency period!

I never had a latency period.
I can't help it.

Why couldn't you
have been more like Donald?

There was a model boy.

Tell the folks
where you are today, Donald.

I run a profitable dress company.

Sometimes I wonder where
my classmates are today.

I'm president
of the Pinkus Plumbing Company.

I sell talliths.

I used to be a heroin addict,
now I'm a methadone addict.

I'm into leather.

I lost track of most of my old
schoolmates, but I wound up a comedian.

They did not take me in the army.

I was 4-P.

In the event of war,
I'm a hostage.

You always only saw the worst
in people.

You never could get along
with anyone in school.

You were always out of step
with the world.

Even when you got famous,
you still distrusted the world.

I distinctly heard it.
He muttered under his breath, "Jew."

- You're crazy.
- No, I'm not.

We were walking off the tennis court.
He was there and me and his wife.

He looked her,
then they both looked at me...

and under his breath
he said, "Jew."

You're a total paranoid.

How am I a paranoid?
I pick up on those kind of things.

I was having lunch with guys from NBC,
so I said, "Did you eat yet?"

Tom Christie said, "No. Jew?"
Not "Did you?"

Not "Did you eat?" but "Jew eat?"
You get it?

- Max...
- Stop calling me Max.

Why? It's a good name for you.
Max, you see conspiracies in everything.

No, I don't. I was in a record store.
Listen to this.

There's this tall, blond crew-cutted guy
and he's looking at me in a funny way.

He's saying, "Yes, we have a sale
this week on Wagner."

Wagner, Max.
I know what he's trying to tell me.

Very significantly, Wagner.

Right, Max. California, Max.

- Get the hell out of this crazy city.
- Forget it.

We move to sunny L.A.
All of show business is out there.

You keep bringing it up,
but I don't want to live in a city...

where the only cultural advantage is you
can make a right turn on a red light.

All right, forget it. Aren't you
going to be late for meeting Annie?

I'm meeting her in front of the Beekman.
I have a few minutes left, right?

Are you on television?

Yeah, occasionally.

What's your name?

You wouldn't know it.
It doesn't matter.

You're on Johnny Carson, right?

Once in a while.

What's your name?

- I'm Robert Redford.
- Come on!

Alvy Singer.
Thanks very much for everything.

This is Alvy Singer!

This guy's on television.
Alvy Singer, right? Am I right?

- Give me a break.
- This guy's on television.

I need the large polo mallet.

- Who's on television?
- This guy, on the Johnny Carson Show.

- Is this a meeting of the teamsters?
- What program?

- Can I have your autograph?
- You don't want my autograph.

I do! It's for my girlfriend.

Make it out to Ralph.

- Your girlfriend's name is Ralph?
- It's for my brother.

You're really Alvy Singer,
the TV star?

- Alvy Singer over here!
- It's all right, fellas.

Jesus, what did you do?
Come by way of the Panama Canal?

- I'm in a bad mood.
- I'm here with the Godfather cast.

- Learn to deal with it.
- I'm dealing with two guys named Cheech.

Please, I have a headache.

You are in a bad mood.
You must be getting your period.

I'm not getting my period! Jesus!

Every time anything out of the ordinary
happens, you think I have my period.

A little louder. I think one
of them may have missed it.

- Has the picture started?
- Two minutes ago.

That's it. Forget it.
I can't go in.

- Two minutes.
- We've blown it already.

I can't go in, in the middle.

In the middle? We've only missed
the titles. They're in Swedish.

You want to get coffee for two hours?

- Two hours? No. I'm going in.
- Go ahead. Good-bye.

While we're talking,
we could be inside.

Can we not argue in front of everybody?
I get embarrassed.

- All right. So what do you want to do?
- I don't know. Go to another movie?

- Let's see The Sorrow and the Pity.
- We've seen it.

I'm not in the mood to see
a four hour documentary on Nazis.

I'm sorry.

I've got to see a picture exactly
from start to finish, 'cause I'm anal.

That's a polite word
for what you are.

We saw the Fellini film last Tuesday.
It is not one of his best.

It lacks a cohesive structure.

You get the feeling he's not absolutely
sure what it is he wants to say.

I've always felt he was essentially
a technical filmmaker.

Granted La Strada was a great film.

Great in its use of negative imagery
more than anything else.

- I'm going to have a stroke.
- Stop listening to him.

He's screaming his opinions in my ear.

All that Juliet of the Spirits
or Satyricon.

I found it incredibly indulgent.

He really is one of
the most indulgent of filmmakers.

Key word here is "indulgent."

- What are you depressed about?
- I missed my therapy. I overslept.

How can you possibly oversleep?

The alarm clock.

You know what a hostile gesture
that is to me?

I know. Because of our
sexual problem, right?

Everybody in line has to know
our rate of intercourse?

It's like Samuel Beckett.

I admire the technique,
but it doesn't hit me on a gut level.

- I'd like to hit him on a gut level.
- Stop it.

He's spitting on my neck
when he talks.