'8 out of 10 cats' does 'deal or no deal'(2013)【完整台词】

This programme contains strong

language.

Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats

Does Deal Or No Deal,

8 Out Of 10 Cats guests,

close personal friends

of Sean Lock...

..close personal friends

of Jon Richardson...

..and two very special

Deal Or No Deal contestants.

Now welcome your host, Jimmy Carr!

CHEERING

Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of

10 Cats Does Deal Or No Deal,

a show all about numbers,

strategy and boxes.

Did you know, for example,

Deal Or No Deal is a great game.

The only other people who get

to randomly open things

hoping to find money inside

are postmen at Christmas.

Over 46,000 boxes have been

opened on Deal Or No Deal,

a record only beaten

by Russell Brand.

And the oldest ever Deal Or No Deal

contestant was 97 years old.

The final box he opened

was made of wood, lined in velvet

and had brass handles.

Right, let's get started.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So we've got the west wing,

we've got the east wing,

we've got the pilgrims behind me.

Now all we need is some contestants.

Taking the walk of wealth

this evening,

it's Sean Lock and Jon Richardson.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Sit.

(BOTH SIGH)

You are in the dream factory.

Yeah.

This is where dreams happen.

My cab accidentally took me

to the wet dream factory first.

The thing with Deal No Deal is,

it's how you play.

It's how you negotiate.

It's like poker.

Have you got a strategy for how

you're going to play today?

Yeah. Here we go.

There we go.

That's it.

That's your strategy? And you've...

Let's just show that to the

camera there. You've written...

LAUGHTER

I haven't discussed this with Jon.

What's your strategy, Jon?

I'm a naturally, sort of, optimistic

person, Jimmy, so I just believe...

LAUGHTER

..if I project goodwill...

I don't know why

people are laughing.

I think some of them may know you.

Obviously,

we're playing for real money today.

Quarter of a million pounds,

potentially,

for your charities of choice.

Do you trust each other?

Cos you've got to make these

decisions today, with each other.

For example, have you ever been

on a Brokeback Mountain-style

trip across America together?

We did, didn't we?

Oh, yeah.

Shit. Not again.

It wasn't actually

called Brokeback Mountain

and I find that joke

quite offensive.

It was called Bumfuck Hill.

Are you going to be looking

for advice from the wings?

You've got people that

know you on the wings.

Who would you look to

for guidance here?

None of them.

I've got Steve,

I've got Andy, over there.

Dave and Jon.

These guys know about opening stuff.

I've got a secret weapon.

What's your secret weapon?

Well, my secret weapon

is my friend Mark,

who does the warm-up for this show.

Have you seen all 2,000?

Um, we've done 2,300

and I've done about 2,000.

I reckon at any point

you can tell me

what the correct thing to do is

so that we definitely win.

Yeah, definitely.

Yeah. Game over. Just open it now.

Quarter of a mil.

Jon, who else have you got here?

I have brought my friend Mia

and my friends John and Matthew.

Are you scared of the banker?

The banker's just a guy. If you

call him the banker it makes him...

He's just a guy.

He is called, like, Keith, or...

I'm going to call him

Brian all the time.

I'm not going to call him...

All right, Brian.

Ask me if I'm scared of Brian.

Are you scared of Brian?

No.

The thing is, Jimmy,

I've not won anything yet

so I'm not scared of him.

I may become scared of him

when money becomes... At the moment,

I don't care about the banker.

You know we're not keeping

the money, don't you?

Well,

you don't know about my charity.

LAUGHTER

Do you have any feeling

about what's in your box?

Do you know, the box I wanted,

if I could have picked a box

by hand, I would have picked 11.

You are not generally

a superstitious guy.

No.

But you think Rob Beckett

has got quarter of a million pounds

in his box.

Won a lot of raffles at school.

So that might be a bit of an

indication about my luckiness.

Yeah. Yeah, might be, yeah.

Are you not going to do the Noel

thing, "Oh, 22 boxes, one question."

Yeah, 22... OK, then, fine.

Fine, no problem at all.

22 boxes, quarter of a

million pounds, one question -

where the fuck is Noel Edmonds?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

So are you guys ready to play?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

OK, west wing, are you ready?

East wing, are you ready?

Pilgrims, are you ready?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, join us after the break

when Sean and Jon will be playing

Deal Or No Deal.

APPLAUSE

Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats

Does Deal Or No Deal.

Sean and Jon are ready to play,

they've got box number 12.