1
Ladies and waitresses,
I am the great Han-dini!
Somewhere there's
a top of a wedding cake
missing its groom.
I went to traffic school this weekend
and was taught by a magician.
My traffic school was
taught by a comedian.
It wasn't funny, but at least I saw
what Jon Lovitz was up to.
Did you get a DWI?
Driving while itty-bitty?
(laughs)
I ran a series of red lights.
I received word there had
been a Squirtle sighting.
And now, I'm about to pull a rabbit
- out of a hat.
- Big deal.
I just pulled half a
raccoon out of the toilet.
Presto!
This is making me depressed-o.
Where are you?
(bell dings)
Pick up.
Salad with a rabbit on it.
He just can't serve a salad
without a hare in it.
(Peter Bjorn and John)
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
(cash register bell dings)
Amazing news:
I found a penny.
And our dessert bar is
in Time Out Magazine.
(gasps) Whoa! "Where are they now?
Pizza Rat!"
Not that.
Our piece is right here
next to this Walking Dead ad.
Oh, wait, that's Michael Douglas.
So, the walking dead.
"Former scandal queen
Caroline Channing's
cozy Brooklyn dessert bar,
M&C's, that's beaut"
"Caroline Channing's dessert bar"?
This place isn't like
your sex life, Caroline.
You're not doing it all by yourself.
I don't even do it by myself anymore.
I was talking too much,
and, look, I mentioned you right here.
"Partner.
"
I'm more than just the partner,
I'm the creative inspiration.
I'm Steve Jobs and you're the fat guy
that drives a Segway.
I tried to include you.
I told you the interview was on Monday,
and you said that's your whippit night.
Oh, I whipped it.
Whipped it good.
Caroline, back that ass up.
I don't want anyone
too close to my baby.
Is that why you dipped her in perfume?
I want everyone to treat little Barbara
like Mariah Carey
and never look directly in her eyes.
Is that why she's wearing sunglasses?
I just got off.
And also, I'm done with work.
Okay.
There's my girls.
We're not your girls, Oleg.
I have it in writing from a judge.
Oleg, give her some space.
Her spray tan hasn't even dried yet.
Sophie, I've been reading
a parenting blog called
"So, You've Ruined Your Life,"
and they say it's very important
for a dad to bond with his baby.
I think that's only
true for human dads.
Maybe you can bond with the baby later.
You know, like, when she has a baby.
I can't wait 12 years.
Sophie, I'm her father.
I helped make her.
This wasn't a Virgin Marski situation.
There was nothing immaculate
about this conception.
Well, the fun part's over now.
Yeah, she's mine.
Excuse you.
(thumping and clattering)
She's getting really good
with that thing.
I'm gonna do what I do
when all women tell me
not to be near them.
I'm gonna follow her.
Uh, Caroline Channing?
Hi, I'm Doug Reynolds,
I'm a professor at Wharton.
Hey, I went to Wharton.
Yeah, I know.
I saw your interview in Time Out.
You mentioned it several times.
Once when you were asked
where the dessert bar was located.
Well, it is east of Wharton.
You haven't heard her Wharton song.
Wharton, Wharton, Wharton, Wharton
Wharton, Wharton, Wharton
Wharton, Wharton
Yeah, it's not a great song,
but the story about
how you built your business
from the ashes of your father's infamy,
that's inspiring.
You're the business world's Rudy.
Well, now you're just quoting me.
Hi, I'm "Partner.
"
Howdy, Partner.
(chuckles)
Hey, I teach a business class
over at Penn
because the stock market crashed
in 2008.
I would love it if
both of you would come
and talk to the students.
Like a scared-straight thing?
Not the pen.
Penn, the University of Pennsylvania.
- That's where Wharton is.
- Hmm.
If you'd listen to my whole song,
you'd hear it in the third verse.
We'd pay for your train to Philadelphia
and campus housing.
- Ooh.
- We'd love to come.
Right, partner?
And my parole officer,
mother, guidance counselor,
and the state of Rhode Island
said I'd never go to college.
I can get your email from the website.
I'll send you the info.
We have a site?
I hope there are no nudies of me on it
'cause Larry Flynt owns
the rights to my image.
- You know what this means?
- Uh
(both) Wharton, Wharton,
Wharton, Wharton, Wharton
Wharton, Wharton, Wharton,
Wharton, Wharton, Wharton
One bong or two?
Max, this is a business trip.
We're not going to Comic-Con
with Woody Harrelson.
Wait, is that on the table?
Anyway, this is your trip
for the dessert bar.
So again, one bong or two?
I am never gonna live down
the "partner" thing, am I?
Like when I threw away those
bath salts to save your life.
(scoffs) I wasn't gonna eat your face.
I am not having this
argument with you again.
I'm not mad about the partner thing.
I'm excited to go to college.
I already told Randy,
and he's gonna send me a care package.
Emphasis on the package.
I broke up
with my high school boyfriend
when I went to college
just to keep my options open.
Pfft, you're in Time Out
New York with Pizza Rat.
What's that loser doing now?
It was Mark Zuckerberg.
Just tell me about
the parties at college
'cause that's the only
reason I'm going.
Oh,
they were epic.
You know what they say,
if you remember the parties at Wharton,
you weren't there.
You weren't here, were you?
- No.
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