1
So it's a tequila shot on
top of Devil's food cake.
We can call it Satan's nipple.
Okay, but I think the menu's
already a little nipple heavy.
As am I.
Girls, two questions
- No.
- And no.
I was coming to see how baby
Barbara's baptism was coming.
Also, what drink goes best
with a heavy muscle relaxer?
I'd try the nipple-tini
or the piña co-nipple.
Oleg, are you okay?
I haven't seen you this
wound up since California
passed that law to make
porn actors wear condoms.
It ruins the visuals.
You're the godparents,
and my mama is coming
all the way from
the Ukraine for this baptism,
so it's got to be
balls to the walls perfect.
Not that balls on walls
isn't a fun theme,
but I'm thinking of going another way
with the baptism party,
what with there being a child involved.
Now, if you don't mind,
we're not supposed to be
at the diner for 10 minutes,
so we'll see you there
in like an hour.
What's this? Eh, doesn't matter.
(coughs)
Whatever it is, put that on the menu.
(Peter Bjorn and John)
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
(cash register bell dings)
Caroline, did you get
my RSVP to the baptism?
Sure did, two seconds
after I sent the e-vite.
Sorry about the lag time.
I thought I was being punked again.
But, I'm happy to help
on an official level.
I've been involved in many
baptisms at my church.
The Church of Latter Day Smurfs?
For your information,
I've achieved a position
of some stature.
Papa Smurf?
It's not a Smurf church!
I want to be the altar boy.
Okay, but no Communion wine for you.
You get slutty when you drink.
Oh, look, Oleg's mom's here.
More clean-shaven than I expected.
Really, girls? Mom jokes?
Oleg.
Mama!
My gorgeous, beautiful, sexy baby boy.
He didn't tell us she was blind.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
Should we stop this before Oleg
becomes his own step-father?
To think I made this.
You win some, you lose some.
I look fantastic, eh?
I've been doing Pilatskis.
Like Pilates, only
instead of rubber bands
you do it with big airplane tires.
Oh, mama, you're back to
your shot-putting weight.
Ahh.
Feel my thigh, eh? Squeeze it.
Harder.
Harder!
All right, now punch it.
Like mother/son fight club.
Hi, I'm Caroline Channing.
They're making a movie about me,
but I'm just a regular person.
That they're making a movie about.
I'm Max Black I'm sure you've
heard about me from Oleg
or Channel 7 Scam Busters.
Oh, and this is Earl.
He runs the register,
and he's the reason we know
our defibrillator works.
Yeah, thanks for bringing me
back from heaven, girls.
If you need a place to crash,
my roommate is out of town
for the weekend.
Mm, well, I do like Black Russians,
so we're halfway there.
Sorry, Earl, she's spoken for.
She's dating my Uncle Oleg.
Well, if you two ever
decide to tie the knot,
I am a Universal Life Minister.
Did I mention my roommate's out
of town for the weekend?
I'm only asking 'cause I forgot.
Mrs.
Golishevsky, Han Lee,
your son's boss.
He's a great
A good
We haven't had to Welcome!
Max and I are the godparents,
Mrs.
Golishevsky.
I know what you're thinking:
I look too young to have a godbaby.
Don't tell me what I'm thinking.
Two godmommies? Really?
All right, no, I get it.
I'm very hip.
Who among us has not kissed a woman?
Han.
It was a pleasure to
You seem
I'm so happy we
Catch you later.
Hey, everybody.
I would've gotten here sooner,
but Teresa Giudice
was on Hoda & Kathie Lee,
and Barbara wanted to watch.
It's okay she's strapped in.
This is my beautiful wife and my
beautiful baby mama, mama.
It's a pleasure, I know.
How can you listen to
that accent all day long?
Yikes.
Yikes?
It means she yikes it.
Oh, there she is.
Little baby Bair-bra.
You know, I would have
named her Bohuslava.
Isn't that a prettier name, Oleg?
(spits)
No, we like Barbara, don't we, Oleg?
Anybody gonna put in
an order around here?
Wow, haven't been to a church in, uh
Have I ever been to a church?
If I burst into flames,
you can have all my possessions.
Great, I'm really looking
forward to owning
two bongs and a treasure map.
Oh, that's just a place
mat from Bubba Gump's.
Learned that the hard way.
Hi, Mrs.
Golishevsky.
You look so nice.
I don't look nice.
I look fantastic.
This is Father Kozac.
He will be performing the baptism.
Yes, and I also perform
in an R&B group.
You may have heard of us:
Altar Boys to Men?
You two have to wear
this on your heads,
to show respect for God.
And also because most
Ukrainian women are bald.
Hands up! Give me the baby!
All rightsky, should we get started?
Em, here you go, Max.
Oh, hmm.
What, like a hot-potato situation?
Before the baptism, the father
will question you about
guiding the spiritual
life of the child.
You know, taking her to church,
making sure she only wears pants
to drive the tractor.
Yeah, then I will say a prayer,
you hand me the baby
(thud)
And I will baptize her like so.
Eh?
So basically we're just
waterboarding a baby.
Excuse me, do you know
what a baptism is?
No, she knows, she's just shy.
So, Max, do you pray?
Oh, she prays all the time, right, Max?
I'm always hearing her
in her bedroom say,
"Oh God, oh God, oh God!"
One of those times was
because an owl got in there.
So do you have a good
relationship with the Father?
Uh, well, he took off
before I was born, so,
all I know about him is he
makes really great decisions.
No, no, now, that is
not the father I mean.
I mean that one.
Oh, Santa Claus?
I want to, but every
house in one night?
Come on.
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