1
More lemonade, sir?
Full disclosure,
it's a pitcher of water
we can't get the lemon taste out of.
Sir?
(gasps)
Max, either this guy's
pretending to be dead
to get out of paying the check
or Oleg's chili has killed again.
This is my Earl mirror.
I use it during naps to make
sure he's still breathing.
And 80% of the time he is.
(both gasp)
Han, there's a dead
body at table three,
the saddest place to die
other than table two.
Oleg, get out here!
Someone's deader than Max's emotions.
I really should throw away that chili.
Let's prop him up outside
with a Salvation Army bucket.
Whatever he collects,
we split in the morning.
Uh, count me out.
If they catch the five
of us with a dead body,
you know they're gonna
blame the black guy.
Okay, everyone grab a limb and lift.
(screams)
How's everything tasting?
(Peter Bjorn and John)
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
(cash register bell dings)
Max, you're not gonna believe it.
Bobby's in the shower!
That's how much he likes me,
he's using our shower.
He makes me so happy.
Yeah, I heard.
It sounded like someone
was trying to connect
with a dial-up modem out here.
Sorry.
That's just what I sound like
when I go online.
But really, he makes me
feel like that all the time.
He's perfect.
We're perfect.
Caroline, you shouldn't
get too carried away.
Nothing is perfect.
Except that game I
pitched for the Yankees.
Actually, it is perfect.
We're amazing together,
and I really don't want to
hear from Negative Nancy.
What the who's Negative Nancy?
Everyone knows I go by
"Negative Juggs McGee.
"
I'm just saying you don't
know him that well yet.
I know what this is about,
and it's not me and Bobby.
You're worried I'm gonna get hurt
because of what happened
between you and Randy.
It's not about that.
I just know guys,
and you haven't been in a relationship
since Ben was the best Affleck.
Hey there.
It's amazing,
I'm somehow less clean now
than when I went in.
I gotta get going, babe.
I'll meet you at the dessert bar.
We're having lunch with
his mom and his sister.
I'm almost part of the family now.
Well, if you were part of the family
you'd be addicted to Diet Pepsi
and get into mall
fights on Black Friday.
Then I might be a cousin.
Oh, you know what? I'll walk you out.
If Homeless Larry tries to grab you,
- I can fend him off.
- Yeah.
Oh, careful, he's got
barbecue tongs now.
Aww.
Look at those two.
That PDA is making me want
to M-A-S-T-U
Ah, I would stop you,
but I doubt you know
what comes after U.
Usually me.
What do you guys want?
Well, we're looking
for some entertainment.
Oleg and I have
binge-watched everything.
You know, we even watched
the Santa Clarita Diet.
Now that's one diet
I'm not gonna stick to.
(phone chimes)
Oh, Bobby must have
left his phone here.
- Oh, crap.
- What's wrong?
It's a text from Bobby's ex, Jessica.
It says, "Call me about baby.
"
Do Bobby and Jessica have a baby?
Are they going to have one?
And why does Bobby have
a rose gold iPhone?
Maybe he got it with
his yearly mammogram.
I knew this relationship
was too good to be true.
Looks like I'm not Negative Nancy,
more like Reality Check Rita.
Then why the hell have I
been calling you Max?
Oh, just a heads-up,
Bobby's family is on its way over,
so any X-rated
puppeteering you have to do,
now is the time.
Speaking of Bobby and people he knows,
uh, does he still talk to
what's-her-name, Jessica?
Pfft, no.
She is long gone, like my bangs
or democracy.
Bobby never brings her up.
We just talk about
our common interests,
like how much we like my hair
or how pretty I am.
Yeah, but circling
back to other people,
which is very hard with you,
Jessica, do they talk? Text?
Share custody?
Max, why are you asking about her?
Jessica is his ex-girlfriend.
All Bobby's ever said about her
is that she's a wedding planner
and she's out of his life.
I know that's hard for you to believe,
like the moon landing.
Hey!
You never see their faces.
They brought back no cheese.
Just saying.
- Now, please, just drop it.
- Fine-ah!
Fine-ah.
Oh, hi, Denise.
Where's your mom and Bobby?
Oh, we don't ride the subway together
in case there's a crash.
Somebody's gotta be
around for Black Friday.
Well, now that Bobby's sister is here,
I don't wanna mess up
your perfect brunch.
I'm going to the diner,
where the only perfect thing
is the owl-to-rat ratio.
So you own this place?
Man, I'd love to be my own boss.
Mine treats me like garbage.
If I want to get freaky with
the UPS guy on my break,
that's my time.
So what is it you do,
besides the UPS guy?
I work the counter at the
Mail Boxes and Other Things.
It's like Mail Boxes Etc,
but we have other things.
Oh.
I know it sounds cool,
but my boss is always on me.
Well, maybe you should
talk to your boss.
You know, tell him how you feel,
stand up for yourself.
I'm not great with confrontation,
partially because I had
bad depth perception.
Like, I have no idea how
far away you are right now.
I'm right here.
On second base.
Well, I think you're great,
and not inappropriate at all.
And if your boss can't see that,
well, maybe you should quit.
So the gentleman who looked
like Abraham Lincoln,
was that a hipster or an Orthodox Jew?
Either way, I don't understand
why you gave him a dollar.
Mom, I quit!
Wait, your mom is your boss?
Is it the UPS man?
He's your godfather.
It's untoward.
Where's this coming from?
From my new best friend
and women-in-business mentor,
Caroline.
(clicks tongue)
You told my daughter
to quit working for me?
I'm sure she meant
a different Caroline.
I don't know.
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