1
Max, guess who's getting a divorce.
Please tell me it's us.
Nope, we'll be together
way past when we should be.
Like The Rolling Stones.
It's Jason and Winona Williams.
Wow, I really thought
those two were gonna make it.
We're talking about those two
sisters who play tennis, right?
Never heard of them,
but there are a lot
of famous people I've never heard of.
Like that guy who's on TV
sometimes and he's always like,
(babbles) "Blah, blah, I'm on TV.
"
Yeah, that's Bill Maher.
Anyway, they're rich,
globe-trotting socialites,
and they want to throw a party
at our dessert bar
to celebrate the collapse
of their marriage.
They celebrate divorce now?
My mom missed out on, like, 12 parties.
They're coming tomorrow
to see the place, so maybe don't
wear your "Team Satan" T-shirt.
Why, 'cause there's a stain on it?
No, this could be a $5,000 job, Max.
I was offered a $5,000 job once.
I said, "No way.
"
Come to think of it,
that was Bill Maher.
(Peter Bjorn and John)
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
(cash register bell dings)
Hey, look,
it's Saddington Bear.
Oof, unlike torrential rain,
this jacket does not repel insults.
I have to go check the drains.
Oh, if you find
my love life down there,
bring it back to me.
Han, the hurricane ain't coming, man.
My body always knows when
a disaster is on its way.
It predicted the '97 El Niño
and my third wife, Diane.
That's true,
and when he gets chest pains,
it means it'll be partly cloudy.
No, that's a heart attack.
Shortness of breath
means partly cloudy.
Pardon me if I don't
just blindly trust Earl.
He voted for Richard Nixon,
this year.
Man, he's gonna get us out of Vietnam.
Well, I'm not taking any chances.
This may come as a shock to you,
but this diner is all I have!
Not true.
You also have tiny arms and legs.
Oh, look, a Minion.
Hey, everybody!
Look, it's me,
my Barbara, and my Manny.
Yeah, Oleg and I
hired him to help with Baby Babs.
You know, in Poland,
a Manny has to have his penis removed.
Yeah.
But here, he gets to keep it!
I'm Max, this is my
first time meeting a Manny.
I mean, a lot of men watched
me when I was a teenager,
but they paid me.
Shane!
I'm not just paying
you to stand around.
Well, at least burp one of us.
Isn't that the sweetest?
My wife, my baby,
and the man with a lady's job.
You're not nervous
your Manny is, you know,
extremely good-looking,
and you're, well
Hung?
He's not good-looking.
His eyebrows don't even
meet in the middle.
Sophie didn't want
to hire a woman because
I walk around naked a lot,
and I'm, well
The grossest?
A stink machine?
Girls, my wife is here.
Stop flirting with me.
Max, are you gonna go out with Shane?
Because he's staring at you.
Unless he's trying really
hard to read that sign.
Uh, I'm already in a relationship
with Randy, remember him?
'Bout yay tall, yay wide, yay long.
I know how "yay long.
"
It's your screensaver.
But, uh, didn't you guys break up?
(incredulous laugh)
(scoffs)
You are so naive, mi amigo.
This is all part of
me and Randy's dance.
I say we should break up,
and he says it's definitely over,
so we're still very much together.
I know I've been out
of the game awhile,
but that makes less sense
than dress Crocs.
I didn't ask your opinion
when I bought them,
and I'm not asking for it now.
And this is the part of the dance
where he shows up and surprises me.
Damn it, I should have worn my Crocs.
(laughs)
Awful news!
I was unable to fix the drains!
Turns out,
we don't have any!
We need to protect ourselves.
I'll be outside, filling sandbags.
Anyone who wants to help, follow me.
No one's behind me, are they?
Nope, just the shadow
of a child holding a lantern.
Oh, you know what, Shane?
I'm bored.
Now, come on,
let's go back to the apartment.
And you can walk on my
back while Barbara naps.
You know, like mannies do.
Bye.
Let's go!
(upbeat rock music)
Where are Jason and Winona?
They need to get here
before the storm does
and my hair frizzes.
Well, Randy better get
here before the storm too.
(cell phone chimes)
Ooh, this could be him!
(scoffs) Damn it.
The one time I don't
want a text from Chili's.
Although they're
practically giving away
these sizzling fajitas.
CAROLINE: (gasps)
Jason and Winona! You made it.
I was worried
something horrible happened,
like you got caught in the storm
or you got back together!
(both laugh)
I think it has to be below zero
for hell to freeze over.
And we should know.
We've been to the Arctic.
He murdered a penguin.
It was an accident!
If it was the penguin from Happy Feet,
you'll pay for that
with your life, my friend.
That's Max.
She thinks cartoon characters are real.
I'm Caroline Channing.
And she thinks Matthew McConaughey
actually loves driving a Lincoln.
Why would he endorse that?
He doesn't need the money.
End of story.
Ugh.
This place is so cute.
Almost as cute
as the mud hut in
Borneo where I realized
I didn't love you.
That was five years ago.
Okay, maybe save that for the toast?
Here's some of the themed
drinks we're working on.
Almost Single Malt Scotch.
Resent-Mint Chocolate
Chip Cookie Shooters.
Still debating the
"Tequila" Him Would Have
Been Easier shots.
(wind whooshes)
Oh, hate to break this meeting up,
but I think my boyfriend's here.
(wind whooshes)
Yeah, he doesn't like
to bother me when I'm working.
Well, maybe I should get going
before the weather gets too bad.
I have a date I should have
gone on five years ago.
Oh, I bet it's not even raining.
(thunder rumbling)
See? Just a little sprinkle.
You wear a bra?
The hurricane is headed
right for Williamsburg.
Fedoras are blowing down the streets.
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