1
Hey, Earl.
It's the brand new us in brand
new gently used outfits.
The pit stains are vintage.
I dug mine out of a dumpster.
It wasn't even touching the diaper.
I'm not used to seeing
you girls in clothes.
Things just sound
creepier when you're old.
As new part owners of the diner,
we're making improvements.
Heh, not in the food or decor
'cause LOL.
But we're just gonna look better.
Oleg, did you hear the news?
We're not wearing uniforms anymore.
Cool.
Let's do it.
Just say the word.
The underwear is tear-away too.
Don't say words.
Oh, God!
I think I just looked into
the eye of the tiger.
Oh, it's my roach friend, Pierre.
Bonjour, Pierre.
Au revoir, Pierre.
(both scream)
Stop, drop, and roll!
(both screaming)
MAX: You're on fire.
CAROLINE: You're on fire.
Now scissor a little.
It can't hurt.
- (Peter Bjorn and John)
- Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
(cash register bell dings)
Okay, now that no one
can see Oleg's nipples,
let's start.
As you know, Max and I are
part owners of the diner.
You been telling us every damn day
like a skinny cuckoo clock.
Which reminds me,
I timed my medication to it.
Pill me, Earl.
What was that?
I don't know.
Like to keep my body guessing.
So what's this meeting for?
The baby's almost here
and I still have a bunch of
new father stuff to do:
build a crib;
get rid of 60 yards of butt-beads.
You can build a crib?
Anyway, the big change
we're talking about
is changing right now.
Han?
HAN: I don't want to!
Okay, fine.
(cheers and applause)
Those shorts look like a cheap hotel,
no ballroom.
(laughter)
I already lost my diner.
Haven't I been shamed enough?
Ooh.
Thanks for reminding me.
Caroline?
Now you have.
And this is what you get
for gambling on ladies' tennis
and owing us $25,000.
You look like Bob's "Little" Boy.
Should we order
directly into your mouth?
Han, since the diner
is now owner operated,
if we have to wait on tables,
so do you.
You're gonna cover our shifts
because our other business,
the dessert bar,
is opening in two days.
Did you say you own a dessert bar?
Huh pill time.
I don't know why I can't
catch a break from you two.
I had to put up with
Max's heartbreak
over her LA boyfriend Randy for months.
It was more indulgent
than Beyoncé's "Lemonade.
"
(both gasp)
- How dare you?
- She's a queen.
The name "Randy" is off-limits
in this diner, Han.
Like ambition or fresh milk.
Girls, while you have us trapped here,
what the hell is a dessert bar?
Is it cake with alcohol in it?
Or alcohol with cake?
'Cause either way,
nobody wants to make love
after eating a big hunk of pie.
Earl, everybody
understands the concept.
I don't get the dessert
bar thing either.
Who wants to hear from a
human mustard packet?
Randy, Randy, Randy.
Zing!
(cheers and applause)
Damn, baby got back.
Thanks for the input, but
I think I know what I'm doing.
I went to Wharton.
Wharton.
That's my last pill.
Hey, every-baby!
(cheers and applause)
Yeah, it's my due date.
This baby is taking longer to come out
than a Catholic from Indiana.
Sophie, do you feel anything?
I mean, besides the
vibrating panties I got you?
Oh, is that what that sound is?
I thought a bee got in here.
Well, I'll be in my booth
waiting for my baby.
Welcome to the Williamsburg Diner.
I'll be your waiter, Han.
Who's the new girl?
I don't like her.
None of these bartenders
have dessert bar experience.
I guess that's because we made it up.
That one guy got drunk
at the M&M's store.
That's in the ballpark.
You just like him 'cause
he gave you candy.
It did not hurt.
Hey.
I'm here for the bartender job.
Well, you're not holding your penis,
so you're doing better
than the last guy.
Full disclosure: that guy's
still in the running.
Mine would be here, but
he gets nervous at interviews.
He's funny.
He's an actual bartender.
He's qualified, and he's
still not holding his penis.
You're hired.
Welcome aboard, Randall.
I hate that name.
People call me "Randy.
"
(scoffs)
And we hate that name.
Out you go.
No, no, no.
No, no, that's come on.
He's not gonna bother me.
He looks nothing like my Randy.
My Randy is a
mountain of a man.
But life got in the way.
He lives in LA and I was
starting this dessert bar.
Yeah, she's not over it.
Yeah, and you really pooped
the bed with the name thing.
He could pick me up with one arm
and carry Chinese food with the other.
(giggles) Where'd that guy go?
He disappeared faster
than Adam Lambert.
Max, we need to avoid
any reminders of Randy.
I can't go back to that
depression you were in.
It was so hard for me.
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