1
Earl, I told you to mop the entrance.
That floor is dirtier than Bob Saget
at a Comedy Central roast.
[bell dings]
You know what it sounds
like you need, cranky lady?
A Midol and a Dove bar.
You watch it, too, Oleg.
Like Earl's hip, you can be replaced.
Have you noticed since Max
and Caroline have been away,
Han is getting a little
big for his bitches?
Did I say bitches?
'Cause I meant to.
I will not be bossed around by someone
40 years younger than me.
He is not my second wife.
I am calling diner security.
[phone ringing]
What's up, Earl?
I mean, besides your blood pressure.
When are you coming back?
We're coming back tomorrow night.
Caroline's about to sign
the movie contract,
which means I don't have to
come home UPS Ground.
Are you on the phone with the diner?
I feel like I can smell it.
(Earl) I don't think any of us
are gonna make it past tomorrow.
Han's been walking around
like he owns the place.
I do own the place!
(Peter Bjorn and John)
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
[cash register bell dings]
Boy, Uber drivers do not
like to be tickled.
And speaking of things
no one would see coming,
I used the F-word with Randy.
Who wouldn't see that coming?
You use the F-word all the time
usually around children or clergy.
No, the F-word as in "future.
"
Max, you made plans for the future?
You won't even make
dinner plans with me.
You always say, "Who knows if
we'll still be friends by then?"
Well, you always ask me,
like, five hours ahead of time.
Max, I'm gonna go ahead
and use the C-word.
I'm calling you and Randy a couple.
I'm gonna say something,
and I don't want it to go to your head.
You're right, bitch.
See, Max, it all worked out,
right up until what I'm
about to say right now.
We have to take the shuttle
to the airport tomorrow,
'cause we're still poor for
another 27 business days.
Let's go out in style
and get a party bus.
After all these years, we still have
such different concepts of style.
Come on!
With a stripper pole
and a Crock-Pot of cocktail weenies.
I danced on a party bus for a year,
not for money.
We are not taking a party bus.
This isn't your super sweet 16.
I didn't have a sweet 16.
I was in plumbing school.
Hey, everybody.
I don't know what's going on,
but people on the elevator
were looking at me funny.
Sophie!
What?
Do I have spinach in my teeth?
Uh, no spinach, but about
25 needles stuck in your face.
Yeah, they're helping me get pregnant.
My healer Audra sent me to Mao,
the acupuncturist to the stars.
Yep, he's poked more famous
people than John Mayer.
Sophie, you're not supposed
to leave with those needles,
just like we're not supposed
to leave with these vases.
Tell you what, I'm gonna
do what I used to do
for my Aunt Becky at the Elks Lodge.
I'm gonna get some
pricks out of your face.
Max, do you think Randy
invited me to dinner
to witness him asking
you to be bi-coastal?
'Cause I don't think
this mascara's waterproof,
and I'm definitely gonna cry
happy and a few jealous tears.
I'm never been bi-coastal.
I was bisexual for a week,
but that's mostly because
I was hitchhiking.
There they are.
Oh, this is the table
where we first met,
and you thought I was a cheap hooker.
And you were only half right.
Here they come,
more jealous than I expected.
Let's celebrate.
It's a big night for both of you.
Caroline, your movie deal closed,
and Max, I found your sock.
It was under my refrigerator.
Oh, that makes sense.
I was trying to fish an
M&M out from under there
with a fishing hook I made
with a fork and my sock.
I was so excited about getting the M&M
that I abandoned the sock.
Max, you know you don't
have to eat candy
that fell on the floor anymore.
I still will, but it's nice
to know I don't have to.
Oh, my God, your whole
life is changing.
We're just waiting for someone else.
Oh, no, did you invite a guy for me?
I wish I'd known,
'cause I only shaved up to
the bottom of my dress.
It's not a date for you.
It's someone here for me and Max.
Wow, I don't usually
bring up threesomes
till the one-month mark
when things start to go stale.
Oh, definitely wasn't
picturing this guy.
Hello, I'm Elliot Charles.
Okay, two first names,
slightly more interesting.
So doing the orgy math here,
there's four of us,
and out of the four,
Max and I can't touch naked.
Her rule, not mine.
Oh, I'm not here in a sexual capacity.
I'm Randy's therapist.
And I guess we should get started.
I do have a 9:00 in the valley.
A 13-year-old girl is coming
out to her vegan parents
as meat-curious.
Um, what's happening?
Look, Max Elliot?
Look, Max, my patient, Randy,
is breaking up with you.
(both) What?
Max, I know this sounds abrupt.
Elliot?
Max, in my practice, I developed
the ripping-the-Band-Aid-off technique.
You'll read about it
in my book someday,
if I ever finish it,
but that's between me and my therapist.
He's not speaking to me right now
because of a couch spill.
And I'd be mad as hell about it
if I didn't completely understand it!
And now, again, what's happening?
Because it seems like
you're breaking up with me
using a therapist.
It does seem that way.
Elliot?
He is breaking up with
you using a therapist.
Look, Randy?
Caroline.
Look, Elliot, you tell
Randy to be a grown-up
and break up with her over text.
At least send her
a "Bye, Felicia" bitmoji.
- Let's go.
- Max, don't go like this.
Elliot, don't let Max go like this.
Max, you're hurt.
You're feeling abandoned.
What would be really
helpful to you right now
is my book, if I can just
get one chapter on paper.
I think people would benefit
a lot from the book.
Well, we're leaving.
This is shocking,
and it's really hard to shock me
since that time I saw a mouse
dry-humping a potato on my couch.
You know what?
You can keep my sock.
On second thought, I need it.
Max, wait.
I am just gonna go,
because the last time
I was this mad,
someone lost an eyebrow.
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