1
Listen up.
Max and Caroline are at a
big Hollywood premiere.
They say Harrison Ford is there.
Tell Han Solo, "Hello from Han.
"
Who always does it solo.
(Max) Yeah, this place
is crawling with celebs.
Everyone's here.
Matt Damon, Cate Blanchett,
Amy Schumer's sister.
If you see Burt Reynolds,
tell him I have his belt.
Snap some boob pics.
Some A-list D's or some B-list C's.
I can't.
My phone's dead.
(Han) But you're on your phone.
Big ruckus here.
Matt Damon just threw a
puff pastry at Don Cheadle.
How bout we FaceTime?
Can't.
No reception.
(Han) But we're talking
to you right now.
Well, I gotta go.
Julia Roberts wants to split an UberX.
I feel bad lying to Han.
I mean, he's already been
catfished three times this year.
To be fair, two of those times were me.
And we're not really lying.
We could have gone to
that Hollywood party
if we wanted to.
- And had been invited.
- Hmm.
And hadn't been kicked out by security.
(Oleg) We're still on the line.
We can never go back there.
(Peter Bjorn and John)
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
[cash register bell dings]
So nice of your new man
to send us a pressed juice basket.
So LA.
[gagging] So gross!
[smacking lips]
I love them.
They're disgusting.
This one's like licking
a beet's undercarriage.
Still, it was really
thoughtful of Randy.
He must really like you,
and really want you to stay regular.
Yeah, someone really buried the lead
on this whole being treated well thing,
and I miss him.
You saw him 30 minutes ago.
Feels like 35.
What is that about? Do I have shingles?
Oh, my God.
I just got an e-mail.
The world's most in-demand
actress is on her way over
to talk about playing me
in the movie of my life.
Betty White's coming here?
It's Jennifer Lawrence!
Amy Schumer's sister's best friend.
The studio just set it up.
She wants to meet me to
see if she digs my vibe.
Oh, wish I had my vibe.
They wouldn't let me
bring it on the plane.
What was I gonna do?
Terrorize everyone with pleasure?
Oh, I better go brush my teeth.
I don't want Jennifer Lawrence to think
I licked a cantaloupe's armpit.
The star of "The Hunger
Games" is coming here?
We will have lots in common.
I mean, I've killed kids for food.
[laughs]
Hey, everybody.
Does anyone know how to shut off
the fire alarm in the elevator?
'Cause this sage is really popping off.
Hey, puff puff pass.
Ah, you don't smoke it.
No, it cleans your aura
or some crap like that.
Well, that sounds spiritual.
Oh, you know, my healer says
the reason that I haven't
been able to get pregnant
is that my aura is filthier
than my gynecologist's Instagram.
Yeah.
But I did get a lot of likes.
[coughs] Ugh, Sophie,
I'm getting second hand hippie.
Hey.
Sophie, I have got to
get this out of here
or Jennifer Lawrence will
think this is my vibe.
I'm going for Grace Kelly
not Woody Harrelson.
Well, that's a mistake.
You know what?
My healer, Audra, gave me
a whole list of things
that I need to do in
order to get pregnant.
Is one of them,
"Have sex the front way"?
Yeah, also, "Eat apples, meditate,
cut down on cigars.
"
She also said that I have to practice
loving kindness with everyone.
Even the people who
trigger my negativity.
Yeah, but you know what?
I'm as sweet as the sugar substitute
that gave half my family cancer, yeah.
You're maybe not always
sweet as sugar substitute to everyone.
I'm not?
Well, here comes this idiot.
You know what?
I'm gonna be real nice to you
so that I can have a baby.
So I don't care what
kind of crap comes out
of your stupid pie hole.
Oh, my God, I'm a monster.
[knocks on door]
Oh, my God, do you think
that's Jennifer Lawrence?
That was fast.
What a star.
Prompt and she costs less than a man.
Or maybe it's Randy.
It's been a whole 38 minutes.
Aww, that's making me horny.
Yeah, and that's not on my list.
I came over to tell you I
can't stay the night tonight.
I gotta go to Miami.
My client's causing trouble
on the new Johnny Depp movie.
My client's Johnny Depp.
Is it another "Pirates" movie?
'Cause I'm only four
hours into the last one.
[cell phone rings]
Caroline Channing's office.
This is her assistant Tiesha.
Please hold.
I gave myself an assistant
'cause I deserve one.
Oh, yeah, there it is.
Oh, my God, I'm getting triggered.
[cell phone chimes]
Oh, man.
My dog sitter just quit.
She married Eddie Murphy.
Now I don't have anybody
to watch Bruno.
Oh, I can watch Bruno.
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