1
Caroline, I'm home!
I mean, I'm hotel!
(Caroline) I'm upstairs,
because we have an upstairs!
Thank you for losing all
your money so Hollywood
would buy your story and I
could buy all the pot I want.
Hello, darling.
You're just in time
for my big Hollywood entrance.
Hold up, Greta Garbage.
I just want to tell Earl about
the pot sitch out here.
He'll think it's high-larious.
You never want to watch me walk.
What up, Earl? It's your girl, Max,
calling from Holly-weed, Cali-juana.
Hey, Max, it's not the
same without you here.
A lot less customers crying.
Listen to this!
They just give you pot cards out here.
All I had to say was "Sure, I get sad.
"
Hey, I'm an 80-year-old man
working at a dead-end diner.
I bet I'd get two cards.
Is that Max? Let me talk to her.
I can't find my white golf
glove, and I know you took it!
Han, keep your panties on.
I have no idea where your glove is.
Oh, I'm driving through the hills.
I'm breaking up.
Aah uhh
Okay, here comes my big
Hollywood entrance.
Hello, darling I hope I
haven't kept you waiting.
[applause]
Oh, my God! Are you okay?
Uh-huh.
I'm head over heels
for Hollywood, baby.
(Peter Bjorn and John)
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
[cash register bell dings]
Just put it wherever you
would usually put things
for, like, a big Hollywood
meeting with screenwriters
who are writing your life story.
So, the counter?
Go with your instincts.
If I'd gone with my instincts,
I would've finished nursing college.
Another reason I love LA?
We just had brunch at a place
where you can valet park your dog.
Oh, my God, Max, are
those new sunglasses?
Randy got them for me.
I had to.
Your other pair of sunglasses
were being held together by willpower,
and four-week-old gum.
Can you have dinner tonight?
Ah, would that mean I have
to have sex with you again?
Because the answer is yes.
Max, you're going out with Randy again?
I've barely seen you since we got here.
And I've seen David
Schwimmer four times.
I've never met David Schwimmer,
which is weird 'cause I'm
pretty sure I'm his lawyer.
Why don't you come to dinner with us?
Would that mean she has
to have sex with you again?
Because that's a yes!
Actually, now I think of it,
I can set you up with
an old friend of mine.
He is big in this town.
Deli-sandwich-named-after-him big.
If you start dating a big sandwich,
I'm gonna be really jealous.
- See you later?
- Hey.
My boobs are down here.
Wear something cute.
[giggles] Okay.
Last time a guy told you
to wear something cute,
You said, "Like what? Yo nuts?"
You really like this guy.
Oh, can you just not ruin this for me
by pointing out what's good about it?
- Ooh, snacks.
- No, don't eat those.
That's for the meeting
with the writers.
Writers are actors who gave up,
so they're allowed to eat.
Can we talk about casting
with these writers?
Because for once,
I want a name to play me,
not just some lady who falls
out of her tube top on "Cops.
"
Hi, everybody!
[audience cheers]
Sophie, I thought you were
gonna be at the healer
who's gonna help you get pregnant
until well after our meeting.
Well, you're wrong.
Yeah.
My healer had to cancel.
She's trying to get Kim
Kardashian pregnant again.
Or is it Kanye?
I forget which one's the girl.
I'm pretty sure it's Kanye,
because he's the one
that goes crazy once a month.
[knocking on door]
This is so exciting.
Our movie meeting is happening!
This is exciting.
I've never been in a hotel meeting
that didn't start on Craigslist.
- Hi!
- Hi, I'm Leslie.
This is Jason.
He's my partner.
Writing partner.
To be clear,
I only date models.
Hand models, to be clear.
Come on in.
I'm Caroline Channing.
You probably recognize
me from Google Images.
The photo of me being dragged
out of Barneys crying
with my cut up credit cards is classic.
And I'm Max Black.
If you Google Image me,
you'll see the Canadian dude
I stole my identity from.
You're hot.
Are you a model?
That is so unprofessional.
Right.
Like I'm the one who has to stay
500 feet away from Fred Savage.
He's just so darn cute!
Anyway, hi.
Hi, okay, yeah.
Let's switch focus and sit
and talk movie.
I already came up with my
character's catch phrase.
I think every time I leave
the room, I should say
"Jigga jigga damn.
"
We thought it was just
gonna be us and Caroline,
not that you're not fun and fabulous.
You're like a sober Megan Fox.
I'm confused.
I assumed you wanted to meet
with both of us because, you know,
Max is a huge part of the story.
Stop texting.
Help me.
This is just a boring, preliminary,
get-to-know-you meeting.
- It would really be better if
- I wasn't here.
Yeah, I get it.
I know when I'm not wanted.
That's why I high-tailed it
out of my mother's womb.
Anyway, I have a big
Hollywood meeting myself.
- You do?
- Uh, yeah.
I have an appointment
to go stand in line
for a little thing called
"The Price Is Right.
"
You ever heard of it?
Ah, you know you have.
Max, you don't have to go.
It's cool, it's cool.
And with that, let me just say,
jigga jigga damn.
So, here's the thing.
Your friend's character
is not in the movie.
We don't have to do that
"jigga jigga damn" thing.
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