31 Earl, can I borrow your paper? I want to check my horoscope to see if I'll still be a whore in the future.
All right, who wants to go first? Ooh, do me.
Do me.
Do me.
Can we have one night at the diner that doesn't end with you yelling that at a woman? All right, I'll go.
"Gemini, the twins," And they're both doing fine, so let's move on.
Han, what sign are you? I'm guessing the 40-year-old Virgo.
Max, you don't need that paper.
I'll tell you what's in your future-- using my name as a reference at Chipotle.
You guys really believe in that crap? They just tell you what you want to hear.
"You will be rich.
You will be famous.
" You'd think I'd buy a newspaper if it said, "You will be a 75-year-old cashier"? Okay, ready to open? Never have been, never will be.
Let's do this.
Wait.
We have to do our business affirmation.
Please, God, don't let us be murdered in here.
All right, let's open 'em up.
- Oh, hell no.
- Max.
Hang on.
I wasn't done.
Oh, hell no! Oh, she's yarn-bombing that bike.
It's whimsical.
It's new.
It's stupid.
Graffiti, I get.
I see, "die, bitch.
Die," on a wall, I think, "okay, this gentleman wanted to get that off his chest.
" But this yarn-ival is pathetic.
Yo, yarnie.
I have a name.
It's Guinevere.
Yep, that checks out.
What's happening over here? Why are you molesting that poor bike? I am beautifying the city one living, glorious work of art at a time.
And tips are always appreciated.
Here's a tip: Go back to school and learn a trade before daddy's money runs out.
Well, I never-- worked a day in your life, we know.
You think this is artwork? Artwork is a Garfield mug, sweetheart.
You got Garfield in a hammock, saying, "I'm not overweight.
I'm under-tall," I'll build you a gallery right here.
Look, you should move on.
My friend doesn't want you-- How shall I put this? Taking a giant knit in front of our shop.
What is the problem? It is not even your bike.
It's been chained here for, like, four months.
Oh, yeah? Maybe it is our bike, and we use it for deliveries and to trap nerds.
Peace out, ganja beer, before I knit you a noose.
Max, that was a great idea.
What, that she go back to school? I know.
At least a couple night classes, right? Get around some people.
She's a lost cause.
Let's move on.
I'm talking about us doing deliveries.
Why do we never deliver? Speak for yourself.
I've delivered.
Seriously, Max, those delivery services-- Eat24, Grubhub-- do big business.
No one wants to go out now.
People are so lazy.
I don't really feel like it.
Seriously, Max, all we have to do is slap a delivery charge on that product, and suddenly, a $5 cupcake is bringing in more money.
And do you know what more money means? No.
How would I know that? Okay, question: which of these goes better with no pants? I don't know.
They're both timeless As in, there's no time you should wear those.
You can't be objective.
You're like a kid in a candy store.
I'll ask Max.
Uh, well, the red one kind of matches your rash.
I think we have a winner.
So why are you trying out the fancy mesh tonight? Well, even though Sophie and I are getting back together, we wanted to make it special and hold off on the sexual part of the relationship until tonight.
- That is so sweet.
- I know.
I haven't even masturbated since right before I came in here.
So, Chestnut, I was buying some rolling papers at the bodega, and I hope this is cool, but I said they were for you.
Max, I have good news and bad news.
The bad news is, This is the only good news I've had in three years.
And the good news is You found yourself a new apartment? Don't toy with me, woman.
Speak plainly and clearly.
Did you find a new apartment? Close your eyes.
I'll give you a hint.
Last time I was told to close my eyes, I woke up in a bikini on a garbage barge.
P.
S.
, closest I ever got to a vacation.
Oh, you're dating a clown? Please, you know I would have told you if I was dating someone who had a car.
Look, it's the abandoned bike from in front of the shop.
It was the bike from the front of the shop.
Now it looks like a contestant on RuPaul's bike race.
We're gonna use it to make deliveries.
I already signed us up for three delivery services.
Still crazy smart.
Waste of time.
Amazon's got drones, and we've got one gay bike.
I don't want to do deliveries.
I got this.
You bake, I'll bike.
And while you bike, I'll get baked.
I'm just gonna knock out these three "delivs" and I'll met you at the cupcake shop.
- "Delivs"? - You like "delivs"? It's an "abbreve" I made up for "deliveries.
" You like "abbreve"? It's an "ab" I made up for "abbreviation.
" I'm gonna make this short.
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