I'll go check on your salads.
Oleg, what's the hold up with the salads? I never made one before.
My two favorite guys, Big Doug and Sancho, are ordering salads? What happened to their usual BLTs? Burgers, lasagna, and tacos? They said they want to lose weight.
And no matter what you order, it's easier to throw up here than at home.
I don't get why nobody wants to be fat anymore.
The fat seasons of Oprah were always the best.
You're right.
Every other year of Oprah was the best years.
What is this I hear about you blushing beauties on a diet? Oh, we're not blushing.
We're just still flushed from sitting down.
And we're trying to get in shape.
Yeah, preferably a shape that doesn't resemble a seasonal gourd.
Plus my girlfriend wants me to slim down so we can sit on the same side of the plane when we travel.
Well, Big Doug, you tell that lucky lady that I would rather date a man with boobs bigger than mine than a man who brings his own salad dressing to a restaurant.
Pie me.
Cherry, pumpkin, or coconut cream? Yes.
Max Black, bringing smiles to men's faces since puberty.
I just talked to this guy at I think it's table three, I still don't know the numbers.
Anyway, he asked, "What's new?" And I told him we were opening a dessert bar at the airport tomorrow.
Then I realized he was asking what kind of pot I was selling this week.
Why are you telling people about us and the airport? It's like when you told everyone you thought you had HPV.
That was a state-mandated kind of thing.
Oh, look who it is the airport people.
You guys putting together a little happy hour? With the jocks at Southwest? Or the "in crowd" at the Virgin Terminal? You know who's going to be a terminal virgin? You can make all the death threats you want, but you know what will keep me alive? The fact that you two work at the airport.
Hey, everybody! Here comes the almost bride.
Did you ever see a prettier almost bride? I mean, you know, besides Jennifer Aniston.
Sophie, it's only one week till the wedding, so this is your last chance to take a run at me.
Now you won't be disappointed.
I'm still very sexually active for the first five minutes.
Oh, Earl.
If I took a run at you, you'd go right through that wall like Wile E.
Coyote.
Hey, bridesmaid.
Hey, Sophie.
Hey, Oleg.
You got a message from your brother in the Ukraine.
Yoshinko called? Yeah, hear this message.
What was the message? "Hey, Oleg, did you see last night's Alf?" Nah I don't speak Ukrainian.
I mean, what am I, a plumber in Queens? No, so I brought the whole thing in.
Here he is.
Oleg Good-bye.
What did he say? He's not coming.
I understood a little 'cause I had a Russian Au pair growing up.
You know, until she bleached my good jeans.
Yoshinko can't come to the wedding.
He's on a no-fly list, a no-drive list, and a no-walk list.
He's in jail.
Oh, but he was gonna be your best man.
I got a ham engraved for him.
Don't worry, baby, I'll find someone.
It could be anyone.
He doesn't even have to be the best or even good.
I'll have to lower my standards.
Han, will you be my best man? You said lower, not sub-basement.
Well, Oleg, I'll need to think about it.
Yes.
Great.
So Han, you're in charge of the bachelor party tomorrow.
I want a night that will disgrace all involved.
A night where no one can look each other in the eye at brunch the next day.
Wow, Han.
Bachelor party's a big responsibility.
Do you know any grown-ups who can buy you beer? Max, hurry.
The grand opening of this pink airport dungeon is in a few minutes.
That TSA line took forever.
The woman with all those nickels? I haven't seen that much change on a lady since Chaz Bono.
Don't worry, I'm making friends in the TSA.
Judy, big gal, little beard? Having lunch with her at the Wok N' Roll near Malaysia Airlines.
It's pretty quiet over there these days.
Hey, ladies.
Opening day, I'm so excited my nipples have been shooting daggers since I woke up.
Seriously, I haven't been this excited since my parents sent me to military school.
God, does everything have to be fun when you're gay? If it isn't, you're not doing it right.
I'm just happy I get to be out front here.
Finally, I won't be stuffed in the back.
I mean unless I run into a Republican senator in the men's room.
Come on, let's open up.
But DAT key though? I love this job.
Wait, should someone make a speech? A speech? If you want to hear my thoughts on opening this place, I'll just CC you on my suicide note.
Fine, I'll make a speech.
To all the school janitors who told me I'd never have my own giant set of keys, too big for any pocket, and that I wasn't a good kisser? They can all suck it.
Yes! Rise, gate, rise! Ooh, you go, gate.
Yes, I'm drunk with power.
Also, a little drunk.
All right.
Here they come.
Yep.
Any minute.
Just our luck.
The one day the airport isn't crowded.
Well, I guess I have time to go check my make-up in the men's room.
It's Han.
He wants us to come to Oleg's bachelor party tonight.
I've gotten a call like this before, but usually it's through a service that involves making some tassels spin in opposite directions.
No way.
You know I was planning on going home and crying tonight.
Han is planning a party.
You will cry there for sure.
That's true.
I really can cry anywhere now.
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