Ah, it's like I'm back in my mother's womb.
Only, there's food here.
Ugh, those e-cigs are so stupid.
I mean, smoking real cigarettes kills you, but smoking fake ones makes me want to kill you.
They're not smoking.
They're vaping.
Uh-oh.
He just passed it to her.
Someone's getting date vaped.
I just figured out the new phones.
Now I've got to figure out how to smoke? If I wanted to learn everything all over again, I would have had a stroke.
Hey guys, sorry, but you're not allowed to do that in here.
And I'm not talking about your outfits.
I'll get to those when I bring the check.
Relax, it's not a cigarette.
It has a battery.
Yeah, so does my vibrator, but can't use that in here either.
I didn't approve that rule.
Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh And the Crime Ring Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Well, I think we ordered too many of our cupcake tees.
There are more unworn shirts here than in Matthew MacConaughey's closet.
Hey, girls.
Look at me.
I got my Sunday bra on 'cause I just came from church.
Was it my church? The Church of Latter-Day Sluts? Oleg and I are looking for one to get married in.
And it's got to have a wheelchair ramp 'cause I've got a lot of cousins who were born without leg bones.
I'm so excited for you, Sophie.
You deserve all the happiness in the world.
I mean, so do I, but that's obviously not happening.
Are you done with your pity-party? 'Cause I got to speak to Max.
Max, do you want to be my maid of honor? I would rather be eaten alive by a rabbit.
Which would take a long time and be a lot less embarrassing.
And Sophie, you don't really want me to be your maid of honor.
That's right.
I don't.
So why are we even talking about it? Sophie, as honored as I am that you asked, it's just not really my thing, you know, man? Is this really not your thing? It's nobody's thing.
You just do it 'cause you're supposed to, like bleaching your teeth or your anus.
Thank God I'm off the list, 'cause that bridesmaid spa day is gonna be rough.
Look, I'm sorry, it's just, I was a maid of honor in fifth grade when my mom married her cult leader.
And then she was my maid of honor when I married him a week later.
So I'm kind of maid-of-honored out.
Maybe I'll get one of my old sorority sisters to be my bridesmaid.
I'm gonna go home and find out which one is still thin enough to fly commercial.
All right, where are we gonna store all these shirts? It's already too crowded in here with all the cupcakes, shame, and failure.
We'll sell some of these at the cupcake window, to that fancy boutique in Manhattan, and the rest, maybe we'll get lucky and find a gay little league team.
Oh, I know! Let's get drunk.
That's your solution to everything.
Seriously.
We need to just take some to that new bar where idiots pay $20 for a drink.
Drunk and stupid, that's our target audience.
And also, the special skills I've listed on my resume.
So you're saying we're gonna stoop so low as to sell T-shirts out of a duffle bag in a bar? Yeah, we're there.
How much do you think this pays? 'Cause I can do that.
Yes, you can.
All you need is a stepladder and boobs.
Next Generation bar.
Keep your eyes peeled for Whoopi Goldberg in a crazy hat.
I can't believe I'm selling T-shirts out of a duffle bag in the future, too.
Yeah.
I fully support mixing business and pleasure.
Best sex I ever had was with my boss at a Panera Bread.
I thought you said the best sex you ever had was with a dude with six fingers.
Same guy.
Man, could he make a sandwich crazy fast.
Hi.
Want to buy a cool tee for your girlfriend? Let me see if my girlfriend wants a tee.
You want a tee, honey? Hey! Hey! Not so fast.
They say âcream filledâ on the back.
Huh, boys? Anything? Wow, gays aren't fun in the future.
Hey.
Jesus comes back in the future.
So what's in the bag? I've never met a girl at a bar with actual baggage.
That's funny because you mean like emotional.
You're really beautiful.
Mmm.
You weren't nearly this hot in the book.
So can I get you ladies a drink? Sure, you could jut change this water into wine.
Can you, like, do this for me, just, like, once? Drinks on me.
Oh, lucky them.
I haven't heard I'm beautiful from a non-homeless person in months.
Well, with that hair, the jury's still out.
Hey, can I kiss you? I suppose a peck wouldn't Say what? - I'm James.
- I'm wet.
Because my arm was sitting in water on the bar.
That was so hot, Max.
I have, like, this animal attraction to him.
What animal? The Horny Nerd? Look, I'll leave.
You stay and do your thing.
- But we came together.
- Yeah, I know you guys did.
It happened, like, the second he kissed you.
I don't do this.
I just met him.
Look, Caroline.
I haven't read the Bible.
But I know that when Jesus returns, you must follow him back to his apartment.
Let go let God get to third base.
Max, where's Caroline? I haven't seen her all day.
But I'm guessing she's in heaven.
I'm here, I'm here.
Nope, she's in hell.
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