Your waitress just went on break, and I'm just someone who likes dressing like a polyester hot dog, so I'll take that whenever you're ready.
There you go.
No rush.
Okay, Mr.
Rajeev Guttikonda.
I have to say, that's a pretty Gutti scheme you got going there, but I Guttikonda don't believe it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you saying there? What am I saying there, Boston? I'm saying I believe you watched Slumdog Millionaire on a sticky couch in your mom's basement, but I'm not buying that you're Indian.
So take your fake, East Boston, Indian accent out of here, or I'll call the cops.
Dude, stolen credit card, and you choose to eat here? That's the real crime.
Hey, Rajeev.
Rajeev, my man.
Rajeev Gudikanda.
You know what? This one's on me.
I have trust issues.
(Peter Bjorn and John) Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh Season 3, Episode 5 "And the Cronuts" That's weird.
We still have three Red Velvets left.
I guess that bulimic girl didn't come in today.
No, she's here.
She's in the bathroom.
Hmm, if I save these for her, would that be helping or hurting? Hey, everybody.
Speaking of hurting, here comes a pain in my ass.
Han, do you want the last Red Velvet? The other two are for the bulimic girl.
I made the call.
No more cupcakes for me.
I've been on a juice cleanse for six days.
Han's on the prowl, and I got to keep this body tight, son.
I'm in the dating pool, you know.
Yeah, the shallow end.
You know those cleanses never work, right? Really? Then how do you explain this? I don't know.
Am I supposed to rub it and make a wish? Not bad for having three kids, Han.
What? You don't see my abs coming in? I see one large ab coming in.
That's at least a two-pack.
Han, the real Tupac is more alive than your two-pack.
I'm gonna give this last cupcake away as a free sample.
My promotional tweets haven't been getting much love lately.
What'd you say? I black out whenever you use work words.
All I said was "promotional tweets" and "sample.
" What? Here you go, ladies, a Max's homemade cupcake on the house.
Nah, I'm cool.
I'm saving my calories for one of those fabulous new cronuts.
Plus, cupcakes are so over.
Well, so is blossom, but It didn't stop you from wearing that outfit.
- Those flower power skanks over there - "Flower Power skanks.
" See, these are words I recognize and hear.
Anyway, she said she only cares about cronuts and that cupcakes are over.
- Cupcakes are classic, right? - Don't listen to them.
They're wearing high-waisted jeans.
The only time I like seeing women's jeans that high is when I'm giving Han a wedgie.
Also, what's a cronut? Cronut is what we called my Croatian cousin with one testicle.
He hung himself.
Okay, well, in America, it's a half-croissant, half-doughnut.
They're on the news, Twitter, Instagram.
People can't stop talking about them.
If cronuts had tongues, they'd be the Miley Cyrus of pastries.
You're right.
They sound stupid.
Stupid delicious.
Where can I get one? You can only get them at this one pastry shop in Soho, and people start lining up at 4:00 a.
m.
Boy, times do change.
Back in the day, 4:00 a.
m.
was when people would snort lines, not stand in 'em.
Who has the time to wait in line all day for a piece of lame pastry? Hey, everyone.
I got a cronut.
I waited in line for two whole days.
Sophie, you bought into the hype too? Oh, come on, you know your girl Sophie is always on trend.
I was the first one wearing crocs.
I brought the crocs craze to America.
When I was rich, I sent 10,000 pairs of crocs to children in Africa.
Why, to make them less cool? Look, girls, here I am in the cronut line.
And here I am still in line.
Oh, and oh, and here I am riding a baby elephant.
And here I am eating a cronut.
Max, as stupid as it is, we've got to go over there.
We need to figure out what they have that we don't.
Oh, I'll tell you what they have.
Cronuts.
Oh, my god.
Look at this line.
I knew we should have gotten here sooner, but, no, I had to be a good person, I had to carry that torso man on the skateboard up the subway stairs.
All this is for a croissant and a doughnut? Those things already existed.
Where was all the fanfare when I combined the sleeping pill with the morning after pill and called it the "sleep-through- the-morning-after" pill? How did these things get so popular? There's no science to this trend stuff.
It's all decided by one bitchy gay guy typing in his room, making it all up.
Well, then we have to do some trend research.
We've got to figure out how to make Max's homemade cupcakes the next cronuts.
I hate all these stupid trends.
Cleanses, cronuts, condoms Excuse me, sir, My name's Caroline.
I'm a trend researcher.
I'm Chuck.
I sell magnets.
What made you want to spend an entire day in line for cronuts? I like croissants.
I like doughnuts.
I'm a fat guy.
It all adds up.
That's true.
You are a fat guy.
And there's a doughnut shop right across the street.
So why don't you just stop there, get a damn doughnut, and save yourself the last 200 possibly life-threatening steps to here? Look, it's two things I like put together.
End of story.
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