Hi, how can I help you? And by that I mean, "What's the least I can do to help you.
" I'll have the burger with the fries.
She'll have it with the salad.
But I want the fries.
Ah, you want them, but you don't need them.
Fine.
The salad.
I have to pee.
- Hi, what's your name? - David.
David, you should go.
I'm sorry? You want her to have salad, she wants you to have hair.
Neither one's gonna happen tonight.
Yeah, it's not gonna work out between you and French fries.
Oh, maybe it will for a week or a year.
Depends if she was molested as a kid.
But one of these days, she's coming after you.
Probably in the dark, probably with a knife.
And she's gonna cut off one or both of your balls.
And you won't think a side of fries matters when you have zero balls.
She'll have the fries.
Yes, she will.
Look at us.
We saved another woman's dignity and another man's balls.
Yeah, we're like dr.
Phil but more qualified.
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh Season 3, Episode 4 "And the Group Head" Well, here I am, the owner, waiting on tables.
Does Barack Obama unclog the White House toilets? What's wrong with this picture? Well, off the top of my head, I ordered a coffee ten minutes ago, and you still haven't gotten it.
Hey, man, I'm in the weeds here.
Well, if you got weed, cancel the coffee.
Uh, ladies, you're late.
And little man Tate over there is in a mood.
Why, is he teething again? Uh, hello.
You were supposed to be here ten minutes ago.
In Korea, your heads would be on sticks outside the Samsung factory, and you would still have to work.
There is no coffee prepped for your shift.
F.
Y.
I.
, tiny dancer, prepping coffee is that lazy-ass day waiter's job, So don't blame us.
It's not our fault you hired an incompetent wait staff.
Hurry up.
You two need to make coffee.
And you need to hire a new day waiter.
And maybe while you're getting new things around here, how about a brand-new coffeemaker? One that isn't from an Edward Hopper painting.
Am I the only one who's been to a museum? Uh, excuse me.
I've been to the art section of Bed, Bath & Beyond.
What if I told you I already got you what you want? A high-end cappuccino machine? Listen, blonde ambition.
I know you only want me to get one, so you can use it at your cupcake window.
How dare you? Unless you're comfortable with that.
No, I meant the new day waiter.
He's in the kitchen.
Go train the new guy.
What happened to the guy we told you to fire? We loved him.
Okay, we'll go train the new guy now.
But about that coffeemaker, what if go halfsies with you? We can't afford to go halfsies.
We can't even go quarter-sies or eighth-sies or whatever's after eighth-sies Sixteenth-sies.
Shoot yourselves.
Did he say train the new guy or new gay? Hi, you must be the new day waiter.
Ah, you must be the late girls who are supposed to train me.
Yes, I'm Luis.
Did he say Luis or Louise? I'll be out in a minute.
I have to let this cream dry on my face.
Oh, I always wait for the cream to dry.
It's the polite thing to do.
I'm Max.
Oh, Max is funny.
Look at her.
Oh, funny to mask the pain.
I see you.
Oh, and you're both pretty.
Look at blondie.
What have you had done? Oh, me? Nothing, but thank you.
I'm Caroline.
Well, nice to meet you, but we won't be friends.
I don't get attached.
All my life, I've been a waiter, 27 years.
I've been a waiter 27 years too, and I'm only 26.
And I don't get personal, so don't ask me how old I am.
I am 53.
But my face is 5.
You look amazing.
I've only been waiting tables two years.
My main focus is our cupcake business.
We just opened a walk-up window Honey, honey, I don't need to know your life.
You don't need to know mine.
Did my father put a gun in his mouth at my seventh birthday party? Yes, but I don't bring that to work.
And I'm in love with you.
Don't do that.
Don't fall in love with me.
You know those gays that don't like women? I'm one of them.
Is that the theme song from Sex and the City? You know it is.
I'm a Charlotte.
So am I! There's not a lot of us.
I'm all the dead girls from American Horror Story.
Well, let's get this train on the tracks.
Follow me, Charlotte.
I'm not giving up on our cappuccino machine.
I'm gonna work Han hard until he gives it to me.
Yes, I just heard how that sounded.
Okay, Luis, here's how the tables work.
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