Max, I have a surprise, and it's right behind you.
Before I turn around, is it Oprah? 'cause I will die.
It's a diploma from pastry school.
No, seriously, what's the surprise? I'll even take Gayle.
You would've graduated if the school hadn't closed, and Oleg knows a guy who fakes documents, so You're a pastry school graduate, And I'm a real estate agent and a French citizen.
I'll be able to show houses in France.
And how are you getting there? I'm also a licensed pilot.
Look, I am not a pastry school graduate.
I'm not even a high school graduate.
The only thing I graduated from was a scared straight program, which is why I'm not gay anymore.
Max, you really didn't graduate? I always thought you were kidding about dropping out of high school, Like when you say that Howard Stern is your dad.
'Cause he is.
Look at our eyes.
And I did drop out.
I was like, "Later, suckas.
I'll find a water fountain somewhere else.
" Water fountains? Gross.
In private school, We never bent down to put our mouths on something unless it had a yacht.
I didn't need a piece of paper from high school, and I don't need this fake piece of paper, because I don't fake things.
Except orgasms with guys who don't know how to yank hair good.
ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh Well, I'm glad you called back, you slimeball.
Oh, good.
When you weren't here when I woke up, I got worried.
So worried you decided to eat cookies and watch Mama's Family? We all grieve in our own way.
Guess I should cancel the strippers.
So I found out something interesting today that has to do with you.
Aw, crap, you found out what happened in Orlando? Why? What happened in orlando? Don't tell me you slept with Mickey Mouse.
Well, I slept with someone with suspenders and four fingers.
I'm assuming it was Mickey.
Either way, it was heaven.
Well, I found out that you're not the badass you claim to be.
I talked to your old high school principal, and he said the only reason you didn't graduate is 'cause you failed to show up for one history final.
My high school's still standing? Guess I didn't flick that cigarette far enough.
I cannot believe you'd invade my privacy like that.
Invade your privacy? You shave your junk with the door open.
So? To the apartment.
Well, maybe you'll change your mind when you find out that the principal Your old history teacher, Mr.
Huck said you can come back and take the test this Friday, and if you pass, you'll get your diploma.
If that's Mr.
Huck, I will murder your face.
Max, please don't kill me.
I can live here, but I can't die here.
Hey, girls.
I got Google Glasses.
See, right now, I'm looking at you and ordering tapioca on Amazon.
Now is not a great time, Sophie.
Max is upset with me because I'm trying to help her graduate from high school.
Aw, you're sure she's just not upset with you 'cause of the way you chew? I'm sorry I have to chew, everyone.
I found out Max can go take one history test in her hometown, and then she'll get her diploma.
Max, you know I've never been a big fan of hers But I like the idea of you getting that degree.
I mean, I'll never live down not graduating from school for the deaf.
You're not deaf, Sophie.
I know.
It was really hard.
Well, I don't care who she called, 'cause I'm not gonna do it.
And if Mr.
Huck thinks I would ever step foot back in his Mr.
Know-it-all university, I have two words for him.
"Huck U.
" That's what Mr.
Huck said you'd say.
He also said that senior year, you sold "Huck U" T-shirts and that you have no ambition and no follow-through.
That's when I knew he was really your teacher.
No ambition? I made enough off those shirts to do nothing for, like, a month.
Look, I got two bus tickets to Rhode Island.
I didn't even know you could buy bus tickets ahead of time.
I thought you just showed up, and if you looked like you made enough mistakes in life, they let you on.
Come on, Max.
I haven't waited this long to hear someone say yes since I was at school for the deaf.
Fine.
Fine, I'll go.
But only because Mr.
Huck thinks I won't.
Aw, okay, well, I'm gonna let you two start studying.
And in full disclosure, I watched some porno during this conversation.
See ya later.
Hey, Max.
Caroline told everyone the good news about you going back to take that American history test.
Good for you.
Yeah, I started studying last night, and on behalf of all white people, I would like to apologize for everything ever.
Well, apology accepted for everything ever except for slavery and the gap.
Here, Max, I brought you the history book which I'm studying from for my citizenship test.
Aren't babies automatically citizens? I don't know why I root for you.
Here, your country has a very rich past, unlike Korea, which had its past stolen by the Japanese.
Han, we are not talking about European history.
We are talking about American history.
Oof, you're going to be working here forever.
Good luck, lady.
Okay, Max, I've come up with a way for you to work and study at the same time, like when you shop and steal at the same time.
I know, when they show it to me on those security cameras, I'm always impressed.
I mean, I really don't know anyone else who's doing it.
Max, pick-up.
Burrito for table eight.
Ugh, jeez, I just walked in.
Why do I have to have all this burrito drama? First, Caroline says I have to quiz you every time you come to the window, so Who was the sexually virile male pop singer responsible for the hit song Jessie's Girl? Rick Springfield.
Burrito's all yours, smarty.
Oleg, no.
You have to ask questions from the flash cards I provided.
They're color-coordinated by century and subdivided by president.
Don't look at me like that, Max.
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