I called this staff meeting because lately, I've noticed our diner family is drifting apart.
Good work, everybody.
Good work.
Yeah! Let's start off this powwow by sharing our highs and lows of the week.
My high was getting a particularly interesting snapple fact.
And my low was Your entire body? I'll go.
My high was finding a barrette in the bathroom, and my low was imagining my new life without it.
Max, your high? I certainly am.
And my low will be when it wears off.
Well, my high was catching a glimpse of a customer's lacy g-string, and my low was seeing his junk.
My low is this meeting.
And my high is when it wraps up.
Can everybody take this serious I have a new low.
I have a new high.
Me too.
Everybody, please.
Han just clearly injured his vagina.
That's not my phone.
My ringtone is Let It Go, and you know that 'cause you threaten to beat me every time it rings.
Well, it's not mine.
I keep my phone on vibrate out of respect for those around me, and also for little orgasms.
Max, it's the landline.
Oh, God! Why is it ringing? You said that phone only rings if we're in trouble or if it's you calling from the future to tell us we're in trouble.
Ruh-roh.
That's gotta be the landlord.
The lease is up.
Fine, we'll just renew it, even though I thought they would have condemned this place by now.
I mean, I did find a used condom in the hallway yesterday.
- Hello? - No! Hang up.
We're not on the lease.
Good cover.
Now we just have to hope the original tenant is a Benihana chef.
Okay.
We don't have much time.
Quick! Grab two things you love.
I-I love nothing in here! And why are we even trying to keep an apartment that has grass growing in the bathroom? I love our toilet lawn.
It's gross.
Max, look at this place.
Our refrigerator door is held on by scotch tape, And, I mean, there is black mold in there.
At least the black mold made the other mold move out of the neighborhood.
Come on! Someone from the real estate company is probably on their way over to make sure the original tenant still lives here.
All right, let's ride! I know a guy that can drop off some fake passports for us in an airport locker.
Well, you know him too.
It's Oleg.
Hey! Pick up that phone already! Sounds like a damn PBS fund-raiser down here.
Sophie, it's the landlord calling.
I just found out we've been subletting illegally.
Oh, well, I always wondered how you girls could afford to live in this building.
And I ruled out prostitution once I saw Caroline dance.
Good news.
I dug around the apartment and I found the original lease.
Also found a copy of my birth certificate.
Turns out my father's name is "mother has no idea".
Forget that lease.
I've already found a new place for us.
A two-bedroom for $1,300 in Manhattan.
Oh Manhattan, Kansas.
We can't afford to lose this lease.
As soon as they find out this Lester Donovan is no longer living there, the rent will get higher than Justin Bieber on a plane with his dad.
So I tracked down this original tenant guy, Lester.
He's still alive.
Ugh! Can't catch a break.
He's at a rest home in Sheepshead Bay.
We just have to go there and kidnap him.
We'll tie some cream of wheat to a pole and lure him out.
First of all, in what world do we have cream of wheat pole money? And secondly, I am not gonna go shake down some old man.
You won't have to.
He's probably already shaking.
If you're looking, I know a place.
You share a twin bed with two other girls.
Oh, and there are cameras.
But you're paid $4.
99 a minute and get to meet all the singles in your area.
Are you one of the singles in the area? Technically I'd be your co-star.
Like it or not, we have to hold on to our apartment.
Max is right.
There are two things in life you cannot lose.
A rent-controlled apartment and bladder control.
Actually, there's an apartment in my building that just became available.
Stop by tomorrow.
You can see it.
This place is $1,200? $1,250.
It just went up since we been talking.
We can't fit in here.
I'm not talking about me and you.
I'm talking about me and my boobs.
Nice retirement home.
Why don't we just live here? Bingo tournaments, unlimited hard candy, and you get to crap your pants! Lester? That must be him.
I don't know who I am anymore, but that must be him.
Hi, Mr.
Donovan.
Lester? Max, is he dead? No, he's alive, but just This is so sad.
Look at how we treat our elderly.
Wake up! I-I-I need you to wake up for this! We are currently subletting your old apartment, and we need you to pretend you still live there for a day.
Or just to pretend you still live.
Ladies, you're wasting your time.
He can't speak, and he doesn't like girls.
He's a vegetable and a fruit.
Lester Donovan.
Oh, you're Lester! Oh, thank God.
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