Okay, everyone time to divvy up what's in the Lost & Found box.
If my dignity's in there, tell it I say "What up.
" This is my favorite day of the month.
Oh, God, I've fallen so far so fast.
You haven't fallen that far.
First item-- A scrunchie.
I need that.
Give me! I think I hit my bottom.
Okay, next item.
A pregnancy test.
That's empty.
What? I had two free minutes, and you never know.
Can we move this along? I'm an old man, and I need to get to bed.
You are late to meet woman for hot date.
You know it.
A wallet and No money.
What? If I was pregnant, I needed it for the baby.
And finally for the sixth month in a row The wig.
The wig! Han, it's your turn.
We have all put it on except you.
If I had to take a picture in it, you have to take a picture in it.
Okay, fine.
Man, I'm a fun boss.
Oh, sorry, sir.
We're closed.
I was just checking if I left my toupee here.
Take the picture quick.
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh And the Egg Special Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh I got it.
Here it is.
The new Martha Stewart Living.
I ran so fast, the librarian said, "Stop running in the library," and I almost said, "This is different.
I'm stealing.
" Why are you still even looking through Martha Stewart Living every month? 'Cause we might be mentioned in it.
Martha said she hadn't forgotten about us.
That's what my mother said, but I spent a whole day and night in that school parking lot.
Silver lining-- I still know the whole rap part to TLC's Waterfalls.
Well, I'm still holding out hope we're in this, even though I've been hurt two months in a row.
Oh, God, am I in an abusive relationship with a lifestyle guru? Okay, let's get this over with.
"How to make him love your salmon.
" "How to make him love your stretch marks.
" Hey, he just doesn't love you.
Activia ad, Activia ad, Activia ad.
We get it, Jamie Lee.
You poop lot.
- "Get your oven Martha-clean," "Max's something cupcakes" scarf, scarf, scarf.
Wait, Max's cupcakes? You just said, "Max's something cupcakes.
" I did? Wow, my ears are so not used to anything good coming out of my mouth.
There.
There.
Look.
"Max's Homemade Cupcakes is a Williamsburg must-have.
" What's this? What's my face doing? - You're smiling, Max.
- No way! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
It's a blurb.
Everyone, we got a blurb in Martha Stewart Living.
Can I get some more coffee? Are you insane? Hey, everyone.
What's the excitement? Is it 'cause I'm here? Sophie, look, Max's homemade cupcakes got a blurb in Martha Stewart Living.
Oh, that's funny, 'cause I got a blurb in New York Apartment Life.
Look.
"Sophie's Choice Cleaning Service--" they clean like their life depends on it.
" Well, that's not exactly the same.
No, 'cause, look, I got three plungers.
Yeah, but I didn't want to brag.
That must be Andy wondering if I'm coming over to have sex tonight.
Could my life get any better? Oh, my God.
It could get better.
There are, like, ten cupcake orders here.
Birthday, baby shower, bris.
Can we do a bris? Sure.
I'll just make a little rosette foreskin and write around the outside, "Congratulations on not terrifying women in 20 years.
" Hey, Andy.
Hi, candy.
Did you see it? Did you see the new Martha Stewart Living? Oh, sorry, no.
I still have to get through my Glamour and Modern Bride.
And I had sisters, so I'm allowed to know those names.
"A Williamsburg must-have.
" Nice.
You know I feel the same way about you.
Aw, cute, but it really doesn't mean anything unless it's in a blurb.
I couldn't wait to show this to you.
I'm so glad you were here late doing inventory.
Yeah, you know, it's the weirdest thing.
The only thing I can't account for is one missing Elvis pez dispenser, Max.
Um, I don't know what you're talking about, but Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Can we please get back to the blurb? Sorry.
You're right.
I should have made a bigger deal about it.
It's just I've been a little freaked out.
We had some big drama here today.
Drama in a candy store? Did the yogurt-covered craisins finally realize how stupid they are and commit mass suicide? No, but seriously they pulled some bodies out of the closed-down soup kitchen across the way tonight.
So now we're completely off the blurb? Some guys broke in.
A bunch of people got shot.
Apparently, it was a drug deal gone wrong.
Oh, my God.
That's horrible.
I know.
Why can't a drug deal ever go right? Hey, they said it was a real bloodbath.
I want to see it! Oh, okay, so I'm closing the magazine then? Max, you can't go in there.
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