- What's up, peanut? - Max, I'm not paying you to just stand there.
- Well, you're not paying me to eat as many french fries As I can before the plate leaves the kitchen, But I do that too.
- Go wait on that pretty girl.
Oh, wait.
Is she a boy? She looks a little like a pretty boy.
- She's probably looking at you and thinking the same thing.
But are you attracted to the girl she is Or the boy she appears to be? You're confused, aren't you, han? - Yes, my mind tells me one thing, But my body tells me [deep voice] something else.
- Max, go on break.
I've got the booth.
- Oh, no.
You can't wait on her.
That's tina, a lesbian who turns straight girls.
I call her "tina the turner.
" Practically every heterosexual woman In williamsburg has hooked up with her.
- Max, everyone? - Not me.
Who do you think turned her? But you won't be able to resist her charm.
Trust me.
- That's nonsense.
I'm very comfortable with my sexuality.
I once texted "yes" to mr.
Chaz bono On dancing with the stars.
- Okay, good luck.
Just don't let me catch you guys making out on the table.
- [scoffs] - Or do.
It's a free country.
- Hi, are you ready to order? - Sure.
I love your hair, by the way.
- Earl, caroline's about to fall in love with a lesbian.
- Well, color me "I saw that one coming.
" - How'd it go? - Fine, she complimented my hair, She ordered a soup, I gave her my number.
I gave her my number? - Okay, hit the showers.
That's what I get for sending a straight woman To do an emotionally dead woman's job.
- ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh [cash register bell dings] ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh - It was so nice to wake up this morning Without the stress of owning our cupcake business.
The only decision I have to make today is: Do I change my underwear or just turn these inside out? - Four years ago, I was hit with a similar conundrum: "do I buy underwear or do I buy beer?" I've been free-balling it ever since.
- Max, what are you doing? What's happening over there? - Oh, you mean the arrow from the shop? I put it on so you'd know Where the insults were coming from.
- I'm talking about the cupcakes.
Our cupcake shop is gone.
Why are you still making those things? - It's the only constant in my life, And the routine distracts me from the relentless darkness That lurks in every corner of my thoughts.
Besides, we still need to sell these at the diner To make extra money.
- Well, you can do it.
I'm not speaking to them.
They totally led me on.
Those cupcakes were a tease.
- Well, I want to pay rent this month.
And then again next month, and so on and so on Until the exquisite release of death.
- Oh, rent.
Here we go again.
Does that bitch ever stop? [sighs] [phone ringing] If that's death, it's for me.
Tell him to honk and I'll be right out.
Morning, chestnut.
Oh, what is it about those big, beautiful eyes That makes everything feel better.
- I guess I just have a warmth.
Oh, you mean the horse.
- Is this still good? It is not.
Eh, like I have a choice.
- Wow, that was a blast from the past-- My old temp agency.
Flu's got their staff laid up.
They need bodies.
Wanna do it? I bet they'll let us temp together.
- You think? You think they'd let us temp together? [sighs] oh, god.
Last week, I owned a cupcake business, now I'm temping.
Why don't I just ask chestnut to kick me in the head? - He won't do it.
I've asked him like seven times.
Look, we've both casually fantasized about our deaths Within ten minutes of waking up, So maybe we should do something to distract us.
- And xeroxing will make us feel whole? - Let me tell you something.
When you're photocopying your ass on a xerox machine, You are never more alive.
Hello, old friend.
Here it is, my temping blazer.
Ahh, you can still smell the "no way out.
" - Why is that in a bucket? - 'cause I don't want to accidentally wear it.
- Well, is there a pantsuit in the oven I could wear? - It doesn't matter what you wear--you're a temp.
They'll be impressed if you don't poop your pants.
And even if you do, not a deal breaker.
[knock at door] - All right, I'll go, But if we're temping to make our rent, That's the last batch of those.
I don't want to see, hear, or think any more about cupcakes.
- [laughs] Ding dong, the cupcake's calling.
[laughs] We found the cupcake costumes from your store Out near the dumpster.
[laughs] - Are you guys drunk? - Yes! [laughs] Yeah, we've been out clubbing all night.
[laughs] - [coughs] oh, I just swallowed one of my balls.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, now, you know how I feel.
[laughs] - I threw those costumes away on purpose.
Max and I are no longer making cupcakes.
- What'd you say? - Cupcakes are a waste of time and money.
- You take that back right now! No, you don't-- You're lucky That I have a giant cake holding me back right now.
[laughs] - Fifth floor, end of dreams.
Oh, yeah, I worked here before.
You know the toaster oven in our kitchen? It came from here.
Hi.
Caroline channing, reporting for my first day.
I went ahead and printed out my address, Social security number, and other important information To make your life easier.
- Hey, I'm temp number two.
Where your bathroom at? - I'll get eli.
He's my boss.
Sign these stating that if you're injured on the job, It's not our fault.
- How would we injure ourselves in an office? - Let me just give you a "for instance.
" Some girl, let's say her name is sarah, Is walking through the office With her number 2 pencil facing up-ways.
Well, she trips over her shoes and falls, And that number 2 pencil goes right through her eyeball And into her brain.
And now she's gotta eat applesauce through a straw The rest of her life.
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