Girls, I have made a big decision.
You're having a sex change? I totally support you, but be careful, Han.
Female to male is very tricky.
Well, you would know.
Meow! He must have already started on the hormones.
Now, here's my big decision.
We're moving from those icky glass ketchup bottles to modern, new squeeze bottles.
Wow, that is some fresh, outside-the-box thinking.
It's like being an intern at Apple during the summer of '76.
That's right.
Call me "Han Jobs.
" Oh, I will only call you "Han Jobs.
" Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh And Just Plane Magic Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh I can't believe everybody else is gone, and we're stuck here doing this.
Eew, this has a really toxic plastic smell.
Give me that.
Max, are you huffing a ketchup bottle? Mmhmm.
I'm hoping it kills the brain cells that'll remember I'm stuck doing ketchups on a Friday night.
Max, give it to me! Whether you believe it or not, you're above that.
And you know what? We're above this.
Forget this.
Let's go out.
I mean, I'm newly single, and you're not picky.
True.
I'm ready to let my hair down and have one of those crazy yet fiscally responsible kind of nights.
You mean steal other girls' drinks when they go to the bathroom? Seriously, what can you do in Williamsburg if you have less than $20? Hang out on the sidewalk and look good till you turn 35.
Then turn to your friends and say, "I have to move home.
" Hey, you know what? The Raveonettes are playing the Lorimer Lounge.
We got a little tip money and lot of deez.
So let's just watch the magic unfold.
I haven't seen the Raveonettes live since I saw them in Denmark.
That is crazy because I first heard of them when I was dry-humping a guy named Mark in his den, so Twinsies! Wow, my life has really changed.
The last time I was in an alley behind a club, I was in an SUV with one of the Olsen twins.
I still don't know which one.
Hey, speaking of the Olsen twins, I once woke up next to a garden gnome.
Well, so much for our plan.
Yes, we've still got "doze," but no tickets.
There's gotta be a way for us to get in.
What up, ladies? Hi.
Moo.
Whatever.
You need tickets? Well, Bessie, we might be interested.
How much? You can have 'em for free if the blonde one milks me.
How bad do you want those tickets, Caroline? Ha, not that bad.
Bye.
Moo.
Whatever.
Sorry, Max, but I can't come back from pulling a strange man's teats.
You think that, and then you do it, and it's not so bad.
Wow, New York without money is like no magic.
There's magic all over the city with or without money.
You just have to make your own.
By drinking.
Oh.
Purse beer.
Sorry there's no purse nachos.
I ate them all.
Best I can do is, uh, the cheese dust down near the birth control.
Okay, this is ratchet.
We're just standing here like a couple of beckys.
- Where's your magic now? - Oh, you wanna see magic? Abracadabra.
Let me in, dumbos.
Abra-ca-damn-dabra! You know, I don't know what that trash bin said to you, but you make a cute couple.
I think it'd be a shame to break up before you got to see what your kids would look like.
Well, it's been a rough couple of years for us, what with me considering grad school and him being a trash can, but what can I say? - It's love.
- I understand.
Americans love their garbage.
How else would you explain The Real Housewives of Everything? You're welcome for Euro Disney, by the way.
My name's Graham.
I'm with the band.
Max.
I'm with the blonde.
You two can come and hang backstage if you like.
Your boyfriend can stay outside and get trashed.
Hey, ratchet-ass becky, we're in.
Earl, I'm worried.
I haven't seen Max since she left with that guy last night.
I've called her a million times.
She picked up once, and she was either having sex or fighting a bear.
Don't you worry.
Max can take care of herself.
I once saw her push a truck out of her way with her mind.
Hey, everybody.
Hey.
Pardon.
Pardon my appearance, but I was just in the park running after the high school boys' track team.
I told her it was fine with me.
I know she will never catch one of them.
Oh, says you.
I'm going to the prom with Brandon.
Yeah, if his--if his dad will lend him the car.
Sophie, I always love when you wear that outfit.
It makes me wanna Xana-do you.
'Sup? Pip-pip and cheerio.
Max, thank God.
I was so worried.
Wait, why do you look extra pretty? Probably the new shades I didn't pay for.
Or the hours of him going Downton on my abbey.
Hold up.
No spoilers.
I haven't started season three yet.
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