Evening, ladies.
Gals' night out? Chasing guys, eating pie, having fun.
This table is sticky! Run a damp rag across it! Would it kill you to clean a little? What kinda place is this? The kind that serves soup cold.
And what's with your crazy earrings? What are you, some kinda gypsy? Whoa! Hold up, ladies.
You don't get a bitch pass just 'cause you're old.
Yes, that's right.
I said it.
You come in here with your gangster granny attitude, think you can get away with dumping all over the lowly gypsy waitress.
No way.
At this diner, we don't discriminate due to age.
If you're gonna act like an ass, I'm gonna treat you like an ass No matter how close that ass is riding to the floor.
Now, I'll wipe off the table we'll take it from the top.
Hi, I'm Max.
Who wants tapioca? That's more like it.
Save the disappointment for the grandkids.
Earl, I need another book of checks.
The last one fell between the refrigerator and the oven.
I'd reach for it, but that falls between "I don't do that" and "Oh, hell no.
" Look overthere, Max.
Men and women in suits.
This neighborhood is definitely on the rise.
I remember a time when a black man couldn't get a cab around here.
And that time was Wednesday.
Max, I was just talking to the smart couples in booth two.
I know they're smart because they're the first people in here who ever ordered the croque monsieur as croque monsieur and not "crock monster.
" They wanna meet the woman who made the cupcakes.
I told them you'd be right over.
- Go! They're so nice.
- No, they're not nice.
They're trendy, blood-sucking locusts who come into this neighborhood to pillage and destroy everything I care about.
I felt the same way when the Hilton sisters crashed my 21st birthday.
What? You made these cupcakes? Yeah, what's the problem? Spit it out, I've got a life.
We just wanted to tell you that your flavor palate is amazing.
I don't know who you are or where you came from-- Neither do I.
But these are fabulous.
Well, welcome to the neighborhood.
I knew I liked you guys.
So what did the trendy locusts want? You are so judgmental, you know that? They wanted to tell me the cupcakes are "fabulous.
" Thank you.
Maybe now you'll finally start to get it if someone besides me tells you how good they are.
I believe the word was "fabulous.
" Pick up, Max.
Oleg, from now on, you may call me Countess Max of the Fabulous Cupcakes.
And you may call me Sir Oleg of the Amazing Party in My Pants.
Caroline, the happy, shiny people in suits asked me to give you this note.
Oh, what a great idea! They suggested we sell Max's cupcakes at the cool new coffee place in their building.
But you already sell cupcakes here in my diner.
Han, we're building a cupcake business that will one day get us out of here.
That's what we're trying to do with our lives.
But I thought we had something special.
Yes, but we're not exclusive.
The diner's cute, but I want more than this.
Oof.
First girlfriend all over again.
+ Hey, Johnny.
Max has the tables against the wall.
Oh, we're good in your section.
Caroline, I want you to meet my buddy Carlos.
Hi.
Well, I'm working the counter.
What's happenin'? Come on, dude.
You have a literature degree from NYU.
I didn't mean to say that, but when I get nervous, my Rico Suave comes out.
It won't happen again.
And here's two menus.
What's happenin'? Dude, I'm nervous.
Hey, guys, I'm in that section over there.
Oh, we're good in Caroline's area.
Well, if you like hot coffee in your pants area, you're in the right place.
Actually, I like that.
Coming right at you.
Johnny's in your section.
Yeah, why? He comes in here every night to see you.
He's your friends orcrush or whatever he is.
Shh! He's not a crush.
He's a I don't know what he is, but whatever he is, he's in your section.
- Max! - Ooh! What are you doing? You're not supposed to be in here.
I know, I'm a bad boy.
Look, the reason I'm not sitting in your section is because my buddy Carlos is crushing pretty hard on Caroline and he asked me to do what I can to hook them up.
Oh.
So now you're a bartender, a street artist, and a pimp.
Ain't nuttin' wrong with me pimpin' some boy on the side.
Keeps me in spray paint and whatnot.
So? From pimp to pimp Help me out with your girl.
My girl don't come cheap.
[Nervous giggle] Is it hot in here? Yes, and we're in a freezer.
Yes.
My freezer.
I was, uh, just talking to Max.
Um, I'll see you out there.
So is this what you like in the men? No.
He's just a customer that went rogue.
He is weak and girlish.
A woman like you needs a real man.
You know what they say.
Once you go Ukraine, you will scream with sex pain.
That probably lost some of its sensual appeal in the translation, but thanks for the offer, Oleg.
Cute, but I'm not interested.
Besides, he's not my type.
Just say it.
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