*** Max, a woman in my section wants to know if we do anything gluten-free.
What do I tell her? Tell her she's not allergic to gluten, she's just masking an eating disorder.
Look alive, people.
Club sandwich, burger medium, and a shrimp salad for the gamblin' man.
I asked for salt and pepper.
I wanted mayonnaise and mustard.
You forgot my diet soda.
Oh, I'm sorry, I'll be right back with-- Oh, what? Never doubt me.
Here's my last check, Earl.
Look here, Max.
That lady just slipped me her number.
Like I need another menopausal white woman scratchin' at my window like a cat in heat.
God, I love money.
I know, I'm so sorry it broke up with you.
Look! This week's new iPad just came out.
Spread the words.
Word.
Word! I saw that on The Wire.
Max, three weeks in a row you have not yet accepted my request to be a Facebook friend.
Max? I am talking to you.
Oh, I didn't hear you, I have my earbuds in.
What are these? Okay, you had to bust a move, and get "the truth" on my ass? Fine, let's go there.
Han, I'm never gonna be your Facebook friend.
Oof! Hard to hear.
Well, I accepted you, Han.
Yes, thank you.
You make my heart sing.
Oof.
Hurt me still.
That was like watching someone club a baby seal.
Why wouldn't you just say yes to his friend request? Because I never check Facebook, why would I? So some girl I worked at a movie theater with in 2005 can tell me it's raining and she's "totes bummed?" Caroline! Better check Facebook page.
Maybe someone just post on your wall.
"Han Lee has tagged you in 25 photos?" Want to borrow my seal club yet? Oh, that stings.
I've lost like 300 Facebook friends since my father was arrested.
Well, your father's probably made that many new friends in prison, so it all evens out.
Okay, ready to go? Do we have to? It's so hot outside.
When did heat get so hot? Stop fighting it, just give in to it.
I don't know why I'm quoting a rapist.
Can't we just stay a little bit longer? We don't have any A.
C.
at home.
I have an A.
C.
you girls can use.
You have an air conditioner that works? Oh, it works.
That's like an A.
C.
that just had salami.
There's more salami where that came from.
And my feet hurt.
Well, you gotta stop wearing those stilts, and get a pair of Skechers, like normal broke-ass waitresses.
Skechers? How dare you.
Besides, I can't afford new shoes.
These cost $900.
Well, then that's not pain, that's karma.
Look, I will help you out, okay? I know a place we can go that has designer things at good prices.
Like a Barney's warehouse? Kind of.
The Goodwill? Welcome to my place! We're shopping at the Goodwill? You led me to believe we were real-shopping.
I know.
I couldn't wait to see your face when you saw this place.
Do the face again.
I love it! Okay, what's that smell? It's gonna be your smell from now on.
Now, pay attention, I know where the good stuff is.
I know where the good stuff is.
Madison and 57th.
Follow me.
Clever bitches hide stuff they want to come back and buy, 'cause sometimes they don't have $3 to buy it at the time.
Who doesn't have $3? You.
Last week I hid a dope vintage blazer in the back of a nightstand, and here it is! Six bucks, clever bitch.
Bang, bang! All right, well, we're here.
I'm gonna make the best of it, but first I need a basket without a sno-cone in it.
Hey, Trish.
Not for day-to-day, but at the country club.
You're kidding, but you're right.
Hey, when you find something, check the pockets for pills.
At a thrift store downtown I found a purple one once, and took it.
Fell asleep for eight hours.
That was my vacation that year.
Yay, shoes! Oh, I can't believe I just said, "yay," in Goodwill.
Look, don't freak.
Shoes can be funky, but I have a special spray at home that makes them like new.
Did you get it from a wizard? Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, these Brian Atwoods were mine.
I donated these to charity, 'cause I was photographed wearing them twice.
Okay, they were $800 when I bought them, now they're $8? Like me.
I'm $8.
Oh, my God.
I'm $8.
I've been reduced.
I'm sorry, it just all became so real to me.
I mean, I can't believe it.
Um, didn't you see me crying? Lots of people cry at Goodwill.
You go to France, you eat snails.
You come here, you cry.
That's odd, you didn't even react.
You need to react when people cry.
I did, I rolled my eyes.
Look, eventually, you'll learn to do that on the inside.
Okay, well, just FYI, when I used to cry in front of my other girlfriends, they'd be like, "What you cryin' about, C-line? "Look at you, girl, you're fierce, you got your glam on.
" Are your girlfriends black drag queens? Oh, awesome strokes tee.
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