Oh, you look pretty sharp tonight, Earl.
Going somewhere special? *** black and 75th.
Who knows what the night will bring? Well, here's a twenty.
Can you break this the way you just broke my heart? Pop-pop.
Look at all this.
People really tipped us well tonight.
Yeah, well, don't get used to it.
Thanksgiving is almost here, and as soon as people realize how much money they have to spend on holiday gifts, their wallets snap tighter than Kim Kardashian's legs after the wedding check cleared.
I've always loved this time of year-- spiced pumpkin lattes, bringing my winter furs out, then bringing my winter furs to the dry cleaner's to get the red peta paint out.
For me, it was jumping into a pile of leaves and finding a used condom.
[Laughing] What's up, children of the corn? I will stay tonight and decorate diner for American holiday of Thanksgiving.
Wow.
I'm surprised you got the right holiday decorations.
Last month, you put out Easter bunnies for Yom Kippur.
So many Jewish holidays, I cannot Wikipedia them all.
What, like I don't got a life? Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh [Cash register bell dings] My father and I had a very special Thanksgiving tradition every year.
Oh, let me guess.
You'd fly someplace like the Bahamas, lay by the pool, and he'd light other people's stolen money on fire? No.
We'd rent out the Waldorf Astoria ballrooms and feed the homeless.
Don't look at me right now.
And after, we'd fly down to our home in St.
Barts for two weeks.
Okay, you can look at me again.
I stayed at the Waldorf Astoria once-- beautiful hotel.
$50 for a hamburger? For that money, it should eat me first.
Okay, ready to go? Han, if you'd really like to do something in the diner to honor the spirit of Thanksgiving, you can open your doors and feed the homeless.
Yeah, put your money where your cornstalk is.
Caroline and I will work for free.
Isn't it enough that when I see them on the street, I smile and pretend to fumble for change? No, it isn't.
You can afford to open the diner for one night.
You can't put a price tag on those kind of emotional rewards.
Yes, I can.
$18 for 16-pound turkey, and I will need many of them.
There--price tag.
Here, I will pay for turkeys.
Jeez, dude, where'd you get that? I sell cigarettes from New Hampshire to schoolkids in New York.
It is a good profit and beautiful drive.
I love the leaves.
All right.
I'm feeling y'all.
I'll bring the pie.
My mother used to make the best chocolate pie.
I remember one time she got so mad at this white woman she worked for, she took this chocolate pie into the bathroom-- No, hold up.
That was from the help.
I know it's not Burberry like we're used to, but I'm telling you, used moving blankets are gonna be in this year.
Who's a trendsetter? We're really lucky November is so warm.
Another thing I'm giving thanks for this Thanksgiving-- global warming.
I think the three remaining polar bears would disagree.
Max, it's time to teach me how to bake.
Okay, well, if we're doing that, first I have to go get baked.
I'm serious.
It's the beginning of the holiday season, and with all the potential Christmas cupcakes and festive gift baskets, you're gonna need as much help as you can get.
Festive holiday gift baskets? No way.
I'm not into all that crap.
Oh, no.
Are you gonna be one of those, "I am too cool to believe in the wonders of Christmas" type of bitches? I am so many types of bitches, I've lost count.
And the only wonder of Christmas I'm aware of is I wonder how you're gonna keep up that attitude through Christmas this year.
Why, because this is my first holiday without any money? Uh, yeah.
Money isn't what makes the holidays special, Max.
Uh, yeah.
The holidays are totally about money.
It's about spending money to buy things to stuff into the giant black sucking hole in the center of each of us that reminds us life is hard and then we die.
And that's my Christmas card.
Max, I'm aware this holiday season will be challenging, will I miss my 20-foot Christmas tree decorated by ten gay men? Yes.
Will I miss those ten gay men outing my cousin Steven before he was ready? No.
My holiday spirit is bigger than my money.
So come on, teach me how to bake.
We only have a couple weeks.
Fine.
Pour a cup of milk into the mixer.
This will be fun.
When I was little, I used to make my father cakes in my easy-bake oven.
My easy-bake oven was repossessed.
So, um, speaking of your father, are you doing okay? I mean, this is a hard time of year for people who have feelings, and just With your father in prison, how are you doing? I'm doing great.
I actually just found out that since it's Thanksgiving, they're allowing me to come see him for the first time.
Well, that excitement will probably taper off after the full-body cavity search.
I don't know.
I might like it.
It's been a while since I've had any cavities searched.
All right.
Pour the milk, slut.
One cup milk.
There, how's that? Good.
Now into the mixer.
There, how was that? Uh-uh.
We're not playing "Rich girl gets a trophy every time she does something normal" Just cover the bowl with the towel so it doesn't splash out, and turn it on.
Oh, it's not plugged in.
Oh.
Right.
No, not without the towel! [Shouts] Christmas comes but once a year, and I think it just did.
+ Wow.
These high-end mixers are a lot of money.
I thought if we came to a big department store, there'd be a lot of them, and the prices would be better.
We can't afford these.
How much did you think they'd be? I don't know.
I guess I'm not used to looking at prices.
I usually just point, pout, and it's purchased.
Yeah, I had a version of that, only it was more like, point, and when they look the other way, stuff steaks down your pants and run.
Come on, there has to be a mixer here we can afford.
There is.
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