1
ADULT SHELDON: Living
in a small Texas town,
a few things are guaranteed:
- someone nearby will have chickens
- [CHICKENS CLUCKING]
- George
- Yeah?
Go shoot those chickens.
Everyone will know your business.
You sure you want to eat that?
[MOUTH FULL]: Why not?
I heard your triglycerides
are through the roof.
Who told you that?
My brother plays poker with your doctor.
But on the brighter side,
in a small Texas town,
people take care of each other.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
[EXHALES]
You know that Veronica Duncan girl?
- The one that Georgie likes?
- Yeah.
I was thinking about having
her stay here for a couple days.
- Is it Georgie's birthday or something?
- No.
She's just having a rough time at home.
What's going on?
Her mother's boyfriend
has a drinking problem,
and things have been
getting out of hand.
You waited till I had a beer to tell me
- this story, didn't you?
- You always have a beer.
So good news.
We're gonna have a
houseguest for a couple days.
Oh, not Aunt Ruth.
Her beard is very scratchy.
My sister doesn't have a beard.
Did she shave it?
MARY: It's not Aunt Ruth!
It's Veronica Duncan.
- [ANGELIC CHOIR SINGS]
- And while she's here,
I expect y'all to be
on your best behavior.
Why are you looking at me?
Was I?
Yeah, and you still are.
Where is she going to sleep?
She can have my room.
I'm fine on the couch.
Thank you.
Why is she staying with us?
Because she needs to be out
of her house for a few days.
Why?
Because her family is dealing with
some personal business.
- What personal business?
- Well
I heard her mama's boyfriend is a drunk.
Where did you hear that?
Mom told you outside and I heard it.
Nobody else is stronger than I am
Yesterday I moved a mountain
I bet I could be your hero
I am a mighty little man
[DRUMBEAT PLAYING]
Let's sweat!
I plan on it, Richard.
- RICHARD: Oh, yeah!
-
[PHONE RINGING]
- [MUSIC STOPS]
- Hello?
Did you know that word "hello"
wasn't used as a greeting
- until the invention of the telephone?
- Hi, John.
To end a phone call,
it was suggested to say, "That is all.
"
Is that all, John?
No, I wanted to invite you
to dinner tomorrow night.
Great.
Where we going?
I can't tell you that.
It's a surprise.
You want to give me a clue
so I'll know how to dress?
Well, dress as if you were
going to a Mexican restaurant.
Oh, we're going to Puerta Roja.
I can't tell you that, it
would ruin the surprise.
John, you do realize that I'll
be the one driving us there.
Fine, we're going to Puerta
Roja, but everything else
is a surprise.
That is all!
[CHUCKLES]
RICHARD: One more time! Come on!
["CLEAN UP WOMAN" BY
BETTY WRIGHT PLAYING]
Sorry, Axl.
You'll be back.
A clean up woman
Is a woman who
Gets all the love we girls
What are you doing?
Documenting.
This may
never happen again.
So much about her
Is because she picked up
A man of mine
The clean up woman
Will wipe his blues away
She'll give him plenty loving
24 hours a day
The clean up woman
What's in there?
- Don't open it.
- But what's in there?
Don't open it.
When you dump him in the street
[TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY]
Are you wearing cologne?
No.
Georgie, I have the olfactory
senses of a polar bear.
They can smell a seal
through three feet of ice.
Mind your business.
He's exhibiting Zahavian
signaling theory.
- Is that from Star Trek?
- No, biology.
He's trying to communicate
his more desirable qualities
in order to attract Veronica.
Too bad he doesn't have
any desirable qualities.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Be the Danza.
Be the Danza.
- Be the Danza.
- [QUIETLY]: What a doofus.
Hey, there.
Thank you for having me, Mrs.
Cooper.
- Hey, Veronica.
Let me take your bag.
- Hi.
- Are you wearing Old Spice?
- Don't worry about it.
Here, let me show you around.
Oh.
O-Okay.
[CHUCKLES]
Of course you remember the living room,
where we have our prayer group.
[QUIETLY]: Oh, my Lord
And this is the dining room.
That's where we'll dine.
But in the mornings,
we dine in the kitchen.
Of course, if you'd like a snack,
that'd be in the
refrigerator or the pantry.
You know, where your
snack foods would be.
- Sure.
- Washer, dryer.
Plus, we got those little
sheets that smell nice
and fight static cling.
- And here's our entertainment room.
- Hey, guys.
- Hi.
- Hello.
We don't have cable, but we do have
all three major broadcast networks.
Here's the bathroom,
for hygiene and whatnot.
And here's where you'll be sleeping.
- Did I take your room?
- Yes,
but I'll be on the couch.
Which is right near
the TV and the kitchen,
so I'm peachy.
[SPANISH MUSIC PLAYING]
Hello.
I'm John Sturgis.
We have a reservation.
Follow me.
[QUIETLY]: Was a
reservation really necessary?
- I didn't want to take any chances.
- [CHUCKLES]
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I sit in that seat.
You sit here.
Oh, uh, okay.
What's going on?
Don't you remember?
John, I don't even remember
where I just parked.
I'm recreating our first date!
The same restaurant, the same table,
the same jacket.
Different eyelashes, though, because
they regenerate every
two to three months.
Mine are the same, actually.
They're fake.
[BOTH LAUGH]
I wanted this night to be special
because it's the one-year
anniversary of that date.
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