1
- Geez! - Damn it!
- Come on!
ADULT SHELDON:
In Texas, the Holy Trinity
is God, football and barbeque,
not necessarily in that order.
I don't care if you win,
just cover the damn spread.
- Mom, are you betting again?
- No.
ANNOUNCER: fans on their feet,
trying to urge the defense on.
Fourth down.
Gotta punt.
Gotta.
Statistically, always
punting on fourth down
makes no sense.
Statistically, you're a dumbass.
Hey.
When the Aggies give up the ball
on their own five-yard line,
the opposing team has
a 92% chance of scoring.
When they punt from deep
in their own territory,
the other team still has
a 77% chance of scoring.
But since they convert
on fourth down 50% of the time,
the math says they should
never punt again.
Okay, you can tell me,
who's his real daddy?
Sheldon, I've been playing and
coaching football all my life.
I don't think your math is right.
Really?
Hang on.
No, it's right.
ANNOUNCER: able to hold A&M
to a field goal,
they'll only be down six points.
Is it your dentist?
The little guy with the glasses?
You can tell me.
Nobody else is stronger than I am
Yesterday I moved a mountain
I bet I could be your hero
I am a mighty little man
I am a mighty little man.
I got to tell you, I'm a little
worried about my mother.
She keeps betting on
these football games,
next thing you know,
there's an Italian fella
driving off with her pickup truck.
You think Sheldon's right?
About what?
The punting and the math.
I should think so.
He's been doing our taxes
since he's six years old.
We never been audited.
That's true.
He even got us that
nice refund last year.
I got some ocean front
property in Arizona
How come Mom's not taking me to school?
'Cause once in a while, your dad
wants to spend some time with you.
My little Shel-man.
But Mom's car has a backseat.
Statistically, I'm much safer there.
Hey, I'm glad you brought
up statistically.
You think those numbers you
talked about for Texas A&M
would apply to my JV squad?
I don't see why not.
Unlike our former principal,
math doesn't discriminate.
You're not thinking about
taking his advice, are you?
- Never you mind.
- But he's wrong.
Everybody knows you punt on fourth down.
Why does everybody knowing
something make it right?
Because.
That's what makes this country great.
ADULT SHELDON: Many years later,
my brother would use this same argument
in front of a judge.
He was still convicted
for urinating in a phone booth.
(CROWD SHOUTING, CHEERLEADERS CHANTING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
(WHISTLE BLOWING)
Oh, damn it.
I'll send in the punting team.
Hang on.
Hang on.
What?
Let's go for it.
Why? We got plenty of time.
I know.
Still want to go for it.
We're on the 12-yard line.
Everybody know you punt.
Why does everybody knowing
something make it right?
But we're on the 12-yard line, Coach.
Okay, Coach says we're going for it.
Stupid brother.
- What?
- Nothing.
Power left jumbo on two, on two.
Ready, break!
P.
A.
ANNOUNCER: And your Wolves
are going for it on fourth down.
What the hell? Punt!
Statistically, they're
better off going for it.
- Says who?
- My little boy.
(WHISTLES BLOWING)
That's why everybody punts.
That was just plain foolishness.
Your little boy's a real genius.
Well, actually he is.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
Too many men on the field, defense.
Replay fourth down.
Ah.
Thank you, Jesus.
Now, can I send in the punt team?
Coach?
ANNOUNCER: And they're
going for it again.
What the hell? Punt!
Remind me to tell you about the
tax refund I got from the IRS.
Set.
Hut!
Go, go, go, go, go, go!
Go! Whoo!
Go, go, go! Go!
ANNOUNCER:
He's at the 30, the 20, the 10.
- Touchdown, Wolves!
- (CROWD CHEERING)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
I never had any doubt, Coach.
Never had any doubt.
Oh, booyah! Yes.
Sweet dreams, baby.
Mwah.
Night, Meemaw.
Can I ask you a favor?
- Sure.
What?
- You know those statistics
that you were talking
about with your dad?
Could could that be applied to, say,
who might win the
Cowboys-Packers game next week?
And, more specifically, by how much?
I suppose with enough data
I could make a reasonable guess.
I don't want a guess, I want to know.
Mom said you're not supposed to gamble.
Sleep, child!
- MARY: Mom?
- In here!
(WHISPERS): I'll get those
numbers to you tomorrow.
Just tucking him in.
(CHUCKLES)
I got something for you.
It's dirty.
Well, that's 'cause it's the game ball.
And you earned it,
'cause you helped us win.
Okay, but can you wash it?
Sheldon, your daddy's
telling you he's proud of you.
I see.
Thank you, Dad.
You're welcome.
I'm still never touching that.
Let's go wipe it off.
(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
ADULT SHELDON: For the next five weeks,
I continued to help
my father apply statistics
to coach his team.
Not surprisingly, they continued to win,
which changed my status
in the school dramatically.
- There he is!
- Yo, Sheldon!
(STUDENTS CHEERING, EXCITED CHATTER)
Shel-dog!
Math man!
Hey, cutie.
It was a nightmare.
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