- So, Buddy up!
- Buddy up!
That's a great expression.
Thank you so, so much.
He is not just gay, he
is Sam Rayburn gay.
Impressive negotiation, ma'am,
but we are still approximately
662 votes short.
- I am well aware.
- Good.
Ma'am.
You wanted to see me?
That's incorrect.
Ugh.
Not in that outfit.
But yeah, come on in.
Amy, um
um
I want to offer Jonah the V.
P.
slot.
- What?
- Yeah.
It's the only move we have left now,
and we're gonna have
to get it done today.
Ma'am, there are still
numerous permutations
that can play out here.
You
don't have to do this.
Do the goddamn Islamic math.
You're the numbers guy.
Fuck the numbers!
I will not be part of a campaign,
let alone an administration,
that includes Jonah
Ryan as vice president!
That is an entirely
unacceptable outcome.
Amy, you wanna talk some sense into him?
- Don't do it.
- What?
Don't make Jonah your V.
P.
Wow, you know what I just remembered?
You are a terrible campaign manager.
Ma'am, you can't let an
embittered, vindictive,
narcissistic man-child be one
heartbeat away from the presidency,
let alone be the president.
There's no safer place
to stick Jonah Ryan
in all of Washington, D.
C.
Being vice president is
like being declawed,
defanged, neutered,
ball-gagged, and sealed
in an abandoned coal mine
under two miles of human shit!
It is a fate worse than death.
Besides, I'm not gonna die,
'cause I got the heart and the twat
of a high school cheerleader
who's only done anal!
- I am begging you, please
- Ma'am, entreating,
- supplicating, beseeching
- Think of
Enough!
I didn't come to North Carolina to lose.
I don't even like to change planes here.
Jonah Ryan is gonna be the
vice president.
You got it?
And that's final.
So get off your knees
and cut out this melodramatic bullshit!
Let's go.
- What's the rush?
- Oh, hey-hey!
You're my guy!
OK, so I think we know why we are here.
Yes, ma'am.
- Yes, we do.
- I don't know why we are here.
Me neither.
But I love
meeting new people.
She is offering you vice president,
you monument to vaginal dryness.
Well, then, no.
I'm sorry?
I said no.
As in never.
I will be president,
or I will be nothing.
And in fact, if I don't
get the nomination,
I might run as a third party
just to fuck your shit up.
Shut the fuck up, you
gum-recessed face-anus!
Don't you see you've just been
offered the second-most powerful job
in the world?!
No, you shut up, Uncle Jeff!
I will not let anyone
speak to me like that.
- President or nothing?
- Yeah!
Are you kidding me? You
cockless cockroach!
You pile of failure
shaped like a rapist!
I am not shaped like a rapist!
with my car, like I
did in kindergarten!
figure out what the fuck you were!
with purpose and repetition!
OK, fine! Jesus fuckin' Christ,
I'll be vice president,
just stop yelling at me!
- All right, fine.
- Crisis is now averted.
- No.
I have one condition.
- Oh, shit.
- I want my best friend Richard
- And your only friend.
I want Richard to be
Secretary of farm shit.
We'll have to fire Dan.
Why do you want to fire him?
Just as a way of saying sorry
for yelling at you earlier.
You know, feminism.
That sounds great.
Fire Dan.
He sucks.
Mazel tov, Selina, mazel tov.
- Thank you, Sherman.
- When you have a sec,
I want to talk to you about
one of the biggest challenges
facing the country
- in the 21st century.
- Sure.
Tell me right now.
Casino licenses in Macao.
- Did you hear that, Keith?
- I did.
OK, Macao.
How could you? Tell me
that it is not true.
Catherine, I'm right in
the middle of something.
Tell me that you did not just
trade away same-sex marriage
Can you believe I'm having
to deal with this right now?
- To get Buddy Calhoun's endorsement!
- It is just the party platform.
It's like a to-do list of
things we're not gonna do.
"Restore faith in democracy"?
We couldn't do that
even if we wanted to.
You cannot do this.
I
will never forgive you.
If I had a dollar for every "Mother,
I will never forgive you"
- Bazillionaire.
- Correct.
Now listen, Mommy's got a lot
of work to do right now.
I have to write the press
release for my V.
P.
pick.
- There you go.
- Thank you very much.
- Why is Jonah helping you?
- Started from the bottom,
now we here.
Bwacka! Bwacka! Bwacka!
- Oh, my God.
- Are you out of your fucking mind,
Gram-Ma'am?
Oh No.
Oh, my God.
OK.
I will never forgive you for this!
- Mmm? Yep.
- Ka-ching.
I'm sorry about that, folks.
That's OK.
Cheers, ma'am.
And on this history-making
11th ballot, Jane,
it looks like the convention
will finally have its nominee.
Great state of North Carolina,
the home of historically black
Fayetteville State University
and historically white Duke University,
would like to yield to the
great state of Maryland!
Mr.
Chairman, I move
that Selina Meyer be
selected by this convention
by acclimation as our nominee
for President of the United States!
All those in favor
of nominating President Selena Meyer
- by acclimation, say aye!
- Aye!
- All opposed, please say no!
- No!
The measure is adopted!
We did it!
I was three years old
the first time my father
put me on a horse,
and I fell right off.
They say experience is the best teacher,
and although my own daughter
never learned to ride well,
I've made it my mission
in life to teach
I waited a long time for this.
Yeah, but this Meyer Fund
thing isn't going away.
It's stickier than a red
wine-and-curry dump.
- Oh!
- We can't have a damaged nominee.
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