- 'Cause with his delegates
and all that Bible-y B.
S.
,
the rest of the delegates'll
have to fall in line,
and Kemi can go and suck
lecture-circuit dick in hell.
And by "hell," I mean
The Kennedy School.
- Hey, ma'am.
- Yeah.
The floor whips are picking up a rumor
that Buddy is flirting
with endorsing Kemi.
Oh, please.
Buddy's not
flirting with anything
that's not wearing a leather
vest and a Nazi cap.
Hey, guys.
God created men's rooms
and women's rooms,
not "everyone rooms.
"
I don't think Buddy's gonna
be taking your veep slot.
I don't want to go into a bathroom
and be next to a woman
who is looking at my genitals.
I want that person that I'm next to
to be a man, or, better
yet, lots of men.
Glory, glory, hole-ellelujah.
Ma'am, if Governor Calhoun is
joining forces with Kemi
- We've gotta call Kemi right away.
- No!
Not her! We're gonna call Amy, um
- Brookheimer.
- Brookheimer.
What are you guys doing here?
You here to see me get
interviewed by Mike on CBS News?
I wish, but I'm in a bit of a rush.
I've gotta go be interviewed
by Mike on CBS.
Guess that means you've been bumped.
Although ABC News is doing a piece
on presidential also-rans who can
almost suck their own dicks.
So while you're in makeup, why
don't you go talk to them?
Ohh.
Like you've never tried.
I'm probably gonna need that mic.
You came to the convention
as Governor Richard Splett of Iowa,
but after your electrifying
speech just two nights ago,
party insiders are calling you Richard
Splett, "future of the party.
"
Honestly, I'm glad that what
I said resonated with folks.
Plus, it gave me a chance
to break out my ASL skills.
You know, for the deaf
American delegates.
Yeah.
All right, let's
talk turkey, Governor.
- Wonderful pets.
- What about all these rumors
that Senator Talbot is talking to you
about a position in her administration?
When you listen to rumors,
you rue more than
Nope.
I don't know where
I was going with that.
Works in sign language.
Very cagey.
Jane, back to you.
- All clear!
- Thanks for having me.
Richard, that was fantastic.
Us Weekly wants to do a piece on you:
25 Things That No One Knows About You.
Well, number one is, I love lists.
- Oh, Dan!
- Oh, hey, man.
- What kind of suit is that?
- Hugo Boss?
- What's wrong with this suit?
- It's not network.
Hello, fellow Americans!
- Ma'am.
You wanted to see me?
- Ben.
Move.
Amy, we've been working
together a really long time,
it just occurred to me, and
you've always been like
- Daughter?
- a sister to me.
More like a childless aunt.
I just thought for old times' sake
I might throw you a bone.
Have Jonah instruct his
delegates of Dr.
Moreau
to back me on the second ballot tonight,
and we might be able to find
something for him at
Ben? Where can he do the
least amount of harm?
EPA.
Perfect.
What is happening?
- Was she always like this?
- Oh, it used to be worse.
You haven't heard.
I haven't heard what, Amy?
Oh, shit.
The suspect in the JFK bombing
is one Mr.
Abdul Azeem,
a high school mathematics teacher
whose Facebook page is
all about radical Islam
- and trigonometry.
- So are a lot of people's.
Move.
Move!
Azeem teaches seventh grade algebra
and eighth grade trigonometry
Jonah was right.
He was spectacularly right!
And you know what that makes me, sister?
- Spitty?
- The campaign manager
for the next President
of the United States!
So if you want to discuss potential
opportunities for yourself
in the Ryan administration,
maybe I'll throw you a bone.
Ma'am this is bad.
I know.
Do you want me to take care of Amy?
For the last year
I have been crisscrossing the country,
warning America about the threat
of math to our way of life.
- Yeah!
- Which is why, President Meyer,
Senator Talbot, and Governor Calhoun,
I have something to say to you:
I told you so!
- He told you so!
- Yeah!
Oh, hey, do you remember my
five-alarm hottie of a wife Beth?
She just got out of rehab today.
Yeah! And plus, while she was in there,
she dropped a couple pounds
in all the right places,
so she's hella even hotter
than she was before.
- Kill her!
- Yeah! I mean, not her, man,
but yeah, sure.
Look, I love America,
but it is time to face facts.
This is a horrific country
that is falling apart
because it is full of people
who are different than me.
I was right!
And that means I should be president!
Thank you! Thank you!
That is 34 more delegates from Selina
and 17 from Kemi.
- We have Florida
- That's right, guys,
next stop, the White House,
and then it's payback time!
- Mom!
- Hi, Clay!
- She's out?
- Oh no, I'm all better.
- Hi, Beth.
- Hi, Amber.
We just got denounced by the ACLU.
We are going to win this thing!
- Yes!
- Jonie, my boy!
- Fuck me!
- We did it!
Ever since you were little,
I've been telling your mom,
"Someday that beautiful,
brilliant boy of yours
is gonna do great things!"
I thought you told my mom to
sell me to a child molester
and use the money to get her tubes tied.
Eh, we're family.
Come here, you!
You know, the Jews have a word
for this feeling I'm having right now.
I can't remember it sounds like
three Germans cumming real hard
inside something that
doesn't want them to.
Oh, Jewish is such a beautiful language.
That's not the only reason I'm
here.
I come bearing gifts!
New Hampshire's 27 delegates are yours!
Oh, thank you, Uncle Jeff!
Get me Vermont.
- I think I can sweet-talk them.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, Jeff Kane.
Who am I speaking with?
Ah.
How's your dad?
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
OK, shut the fuck up!
Listen, you Subaru-driving bull dykes!
You better back Jonah on the next ballot
or you will be leaf-peeping
from inside your own maple
syrup-soaked assholes!
I'll give 'em five minutes,
then I'll hit 'em with Bad Cop.
They're calling it Ryan Fever.
The former congressman's message
is finding a new audience
Assemblyman, I have been
to Buffalo six times,
and I'm not even a serial killer.
So I OK, forget it.
- Ma'am.
Ma'am.
- What? What?
The captain of the Texas delegation
says that all of his bum steers
are stampeding towards Jonah!
We cannot lose Texas.
Texas is our firewall!
Listen, Ben, you gotta go
back to Texas right now, OK?
And just tell 'em they can violate
me with their assault rifles
and a full slab of ribs
on top of a stack of
slavery-free history textbooks.
You gotta go do that, Ben.
- Go do that right now.
- Texas is our firewall.
- Yeah, do it.
- Ma'am.
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