1
Did the President call?
- No.
- No.
I just found out that math
was created by Muslims.
Math teachers are terrorists!
How about for once in your life,
you stop complaining and just man up.
I've decided to suspend my campaign
for President of the United States.
That bastard Ballentine caught
shingles from Typhoid Jonah.
That makes you the governor of Iowa!
- Ma'am.
- What?
You are not going to believe it.
Tom James is fucking Michelle.
You can have Tibet.
What?
What's going on here?
I thought nobody gave
two Osama bin Shits
about the drone strike.
This is about killing elephants.
Is this gonna affect
my numbers, you think?
Yes.
OK!
All right, ladies and gentlemen,
the final votes for tonight.
Governor Calhoun, 420.
Congressman Ryan, 453.
Senator Talbot, 1,785.
- Boo!
- President Meyer,
1,817.
No candidate has secured a
delegate majority of 2,368,
so we have no nominee.
- Did we win?
- Oh, yeah.
I'm the president, and
you're the first lady.
Oh, we would crush it.
And it seems we have ourselves
a deadlocked convention,
the first since 1952.
Senator Talbot has indeed
made a miraculous comeback.
You know, it's worse having
to hear it from Mike.
Furlong wants to see all the
candidates for a late-night pow-wow.
- No offense, Marjorie.
- Some offense.
Mom, you need to tell the party
that they never should have held
the convention in North Carolina.
Their bathroom bill is
an absolute disgrace.
Guys, who gives a shit
where people shit?
That is literally the point, Mother.
OK, then we agree.
Right? Shut.
Up.
We have to get in touch
with all the floor whips.
We have to make sure our delegates hold.
- I'll whip the whips.
- You know, the Chinese
are ready to fix this whole damn
election if I can be the nominee.
- Not here.
Not hearing this.
- No, that is the plan.
- How ya doin' there, John?
- Outstanding, ma'am.
That's my hero.
And keep
on getting it out there
that I plan on choosing
Governor DeVito as my veep,
'cause we might get a few
more delegates out of this.
Wounded warrior, Roman Catholic
Oh, my God, is that still a thing?
Two-time Ohio governor, 18
Electoral College votes.
Most importantly, he has a
penis.
Right, Governor?
I'm still with you, ma'am!
Till the end, like we
used to say back in Iraq.
- Might want to double-check that penis.
- That's Kent's job.
Mr.
Chairman, I would
just like to point out
that the official count
cannot be trusted.
Oh, no, Beautiful Mindfuck.
You are not gonna
desecrate my convention
with more of this Muslim math nonsense.
How do you explain
that when I add up my delegates
- with Christian math
- Amen!
The number is quite different
than the official total?
Because you were born
with three umbilical cords
wrapped around your neck,
- Hep C Kevin McHale.
- No, I wasn't.
- My apologies, Mr.
Chairman.
- Madam President.
What is Leon doing with her?
Installing cameras in all
her closets and bathrooms.
So, what did I miss? Did
President Meyer find a way
to steal the nomination from me
like she stole South Carolina?
Stealing South Carolina is the bedrock
of our political system, Senator.
Well, there it is, that
casual Meyer attitude
towards criminal enterprise,
just like her husband.
- Gary: Ex-husband.
- Step-husband.
If you can't figure out how
to steal South Carolina,
you have no business being president.
- Oh, is that how you feel?
- Yes! Am I right?
Hey! Hey! All right!
Right now, every Sunday
pundit and poli-sci major
is treating this brokered convention
like it's a big-titted college gymnast
whose daddy fucked with her just enough
that she'll do some dirty
shit, but she can still cum.
Hittin' a little close
to home there, Roger,
minus the big-titted part.
We've never had a complaint, have we?
But if we don't pillow-smother
this sad grandma of a convention
lickity-fuckin'-split, we
are gonna wind up with
four more years of Montez
clogging up the White House
plumbing with tampons.
- That's not a problem for us.
- It's fine.
Tomorrow is the second ballot, OK?
None of these delegates are
bound to any candidate anymore.
So it's time to get out there
and start twisting some arms
and pinching nipples.
And what else, Will?
And may the best man win.
And may the hairiest man zip-tie me
to a slaughterhouse drainage grate
and make tender hate
to my rear and mouth,
in that order, at his leisure.
Ha ha! Beautiful.
Well done, pig.
Dismissed.
Selina, you got a minute?
Roger, I don't want to hear it.
We need a ticket.
Just offer her veep.
You and Kemi scissoring
at the top of the ticket
is gonna make everyone rock hard.
I don't need her.
OK?
I've got the diving
bell and the governor.
- Come on.
- Just make the deal!
Or what's gonna happen, Will?
Aw, shit, Will left.
It was a good one.
- Sorry to miss that.
- Ma'am.
Oh, God.
Go away, Amy.
Really.
- Your voice is like a crow.
- But ma'am, I just want to
No! There is no place for Jonah
Ryan in my administration.
Or anywhere in the universe where the
building blocks of life are present.
OK? I'll be right back.
- Uh, caballeros.
- Caballeros!
- Do you wanna close the thing?
- Nice try, Amy.
Ben, we've already got Florida,
we've got a butt-load of delegates.
Your offer is as appealing
as a Sriracha enema.
So fuck your offer, and fuck you.
- It's always good to see ya.
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