Thank you, Murman.
- (chatter)
- KENT: You were right, ma'am.
Lu's looking for the tickee
in someone's shirtee.
SELINA: What's the word, Minna?
President Lu will meet you in
the West Salon in ten minutes.
He seems quite excited.
Yeah, we could see that from here.
SELINA: Keith.
- Oh, hi!
- Where is Lu?
You don't get to see Lu.
You need to go through me,
that's how this works.
I know all about Lu's secret plan
to get President Montez
elected for a second term.
So you go, and you tell Lu
that I want to talk to
him directly, right now.
You're going to do exactly what we say.
- I'm sorry?
- Or else we'll tell the whole world
how you vaporized a DRA leader's
wedding with Hellfire missiles
and also took a huge laser-guided shit
all over Pakistani sovereignty
OK, A, that never happened.
And B, that footage
is highly classified.
It was classified Until
somebody on your staff
clicked on "Asian Girls
Bound and Gagged.
"
Oh, Ben.
Or Kent.
Or Leon.
Oh, God.
Or Marjorie.
I mean, I
Jonah, your anti-vaccination message
is bringing together an unheard-of mix
of Orthodox Jews, uneducated
fringe conspiracists,
and Kombucha-douching
private school moms.
That's the real America.
We've got three more
stops this afternoon.
Look.
If we go to Kentucky,
it's gonna look like a wang.
The Great Lakes'll be like the spooey.
Jonah, it's your dad again.
It's the tenth time today.
Hey, Siri, you fuck my dad?
SIRI: I don't know how
to respond to that.
Typical woman.
- I know.
- That's mine.
Clay, come on.
Let's go.
All right.
How ya doin', Harrisburg!
- (cheers, applause)
- JONAH: Yeah!
(over P.
A.
) Pennsylvania,
you have the second-lowest
vaccination rate in the nation,
and when I am elected president,
you will be number one!
- (cheers, applause)
- Thank you, Pennsylvania!
- (mic clatters)
- BETH: Oh!
Thank you! All right! Yeah!
Oh! Oh, look at this baby.
- (crying)
- Mwah!
GARY: The menu has been an atrocity.
The guests are vegan,
and the president won't eat
anything without a face.
Selina.
I saw President Lu leaving.
Is everything all right?
Yeah, everything's
completely fine, Minna.
No.
I can see the concern in your eyes,
even through all the procedures.
What is it? Is it about the wedding?
He told you?
He would not stop talking about it.
He used the phrase "complete atrocity.
"
Complete atrocity?
Minna, listen.
(scoffs) So I droned a
couple wedding civilians
on the wrong side of the Af-Pak border.
I thought you were talking
about your daughter's wedding
to your homosexual doppelganger.
Yes.
I was.
Um, "dr-droned a wedding"
is, uh, American slang for, uh
- "I got it, I nailed it.
"
- Yeah, I do not think
No, no, no.
Really.
Like, "I
droned that wedding, man!"
I do not think that it
is slang of any kind.
Oh, I guarantee you it is.
Ask anyone here
MAN: Mike, we have made
a lot of mistakes here at CBS News.
(laughs) I know, right?
But I think you could be a big
part of turning that around.
- Mm-hmm.
- As a special correspondent,
you will be everywhere
that there's news.
And I don't think it hurts
that you will be our youngest
correspondent, by a lot.
- Aww.
Thank you, sir.
- So we bought the "McLintalk" name,
but we did not get all the intellectual
property from the old show.
So
- I have intellectual property?
- Oh Yeah!
The classic McLintalk bits.
I mean, when your phone rings in
the middle of an interview
- Oh.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
- And the horrible wife?
- (laughing) She's horrible!
- A lot of that stuff
I didn't know I was doing
until people pointed it out.
- See? Keep that sense of humor.
- OK!
Because pretty much everything
else is gonna change.
MINNA: Selina, you have put
me in a terrible situation.
You have just admitted
to being a war criminal.
Do they give Nobel Peace Prizes
to war criminals, Minna?
All the time.
Aung San Suu
Kyi, Henry Kissinger,
and also, the prize that you're
getting, it is not the Peace Prize.
- Oh, don't start with that!
- It is a second-tier Peace Prize.
- No.
- It is made of very hard plastic.
You have left me with no
choice.
I must report you.
Well, then you've left
me with no choice.
- Ha!
- That was your phone.
I called Interpol before
we got in the car.
SELINA: Come on, wait up.
Minna.
Just a second! Sweet
Viking Christ! Come on!
Just call Interpol back, tell
'em that you made a mistake.
I am sorry, Selina.
I have a commitment to the
principles of truth and justice.
As the former president
of the United States,
truth and justice can gargle my balls.
- BEN: Move the fuck out of my way.
- KENT: Ma'am, the ICC
has issued a warrant for
your arrest for war crimes.
That's because Autistic Barbie here
tattled on me over the
wedding drone strike.
- Which one?
- Nope.
The DRA guy.
- Which was the only one.
- Correct!
Secret Service says the Norwegian police
are all over the airport and the hotel.
- Seriously?
- You will be extradited to the Hague
and imprisoned under Article
VIII of the Rome Statute.
Selina, if you request it,
I can offer you asylum.
You can stay here at the embassy!
I'd just as soon stay
at an Embassy Suites.
- Ahh!
- Ma'am it's your only shot.
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