- (GASPS)
(BAND PLAYING IN DISTANCE)
- (GLASSES CLINKING)
- Stewart, is that you?
Jesus, Mary, and Robert E.
Lee, Gary!
- You startled me.
- What are you doing
Whoa, whoa, whoa, no, no.
You snooping on me?
- No, I wasn't snooping
- Oh, and what are you doing?
Did your lady boss send you down
to get her "tampoons," did she?
No, that's not till next week.
- Where you going? Hey, where you going?
- Excuse me.
I tell you, if more people would've seen
that side of you during the election,
my God, you would've gotten their
vote and you would've gotten mine.
I think you probably would've won.
Well, I'm telling you something,
I wanna talk to you, Quartie, about
the library that I'm planning now.
- It's a
- Gary, don't you walk away from me, boy!
(CHUCKLES) I ain't
through with you yet.
(GLASS SHATTERS)
That's my son, I guess.
Nail buffer to the lady president.
- Just shut up, Daddy!
- (MUSIC STOPS)
I am so sick of you lording over me
how much you know about
football and hair color
and how much better dead
baby Bruce is than me!
I know all about you.
I know your secret.
You are you are a bully!
- No, that's not it.
- You're a big, fat, flaming bully!
And you know what, you
can take Teddy and Bobby
and Stewart and the other Bobby,
and you can be their daddy!
- Eh, getting warmer.
- Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna slow dance with Mama.
(PANTING)
- Mama.
- (MUSIC RESUMES)
Of course, Gary.
Hey, everybody eat!
STEVIE: Danny, where the fuck were you?
I've been trying to call you all night.
A it's Dan, and B
I don't have my phone because
this morning's guest
dropped it over the side
of the Staten Island Ferry
while pretending to be Melanie
Griffith in "Working Girl.
"
Scrappiest underdog
in cinematic history.
Congressman Ryan, welcome back.
We painted the green
room green this time
so there wouldn't be any confusion.
Oh, perfect.
Thank you, yeah.
Hey, handsome.
Let the record state I
did try to call you.
What is the Host of
Christmas Past doing here?
- Our interview.
Checkers, bitch.
- Are you fucking kidding me?!
Dan, you've heard the old saying,
"You gotta keep your friends close
and make your enemies take you out
to Guy Fieri's restaurant
in Times Square.
"
You're giving her the interview?
I absolutely am because I hate
your stupid, perfect face,
and when I was in high school,
I used to pretend to be sick
to stay home and jerk
off to Jane McCabe.
I just can't hear that story enough.
- Thank you, Congressman.
- You're welcome.
Dan, great to see you.
I had fun last night.
- Congressman.
- It was fun.
- Come on with me.
- Be right with you.
Well, congratulations, Jane.
- Yeah.
- You finally fucked me.
In the face.
AMY: Do you know how expensive it is
to freeze your eggs?
- That's why you should adopt, Amy.
- I'm not adopting.
The other day, Ellen was in her
closet, eating cello bow rosin
I really don't care, Mike.
- Okay, all right.
Never mind.
- Just I really don't care.
- (BOTH GASP)
- (LAUGHS) Here it is!
Oh, my God, my house keys!
This is the luckiest day ever!
- Did you guys find a belt?
- No belts.
Wait, this is Leon West's diary.
- What?
- (GASPS)
Oh, my God, it is.
So, where's yours?
And the little boy with
the broken roller skates?
He grew up to be Egyptian
President Anwar Sadat.
- Who, sadly, was assassinated.
- Mm.
And now it's my pleasure to welcome back
an old, old friend,
senior correspondent Jane McCabe.
If you don't already know
my first guest's name,
- you've been hiding under a rock.
- Uh, it's Jonah Ryan.
- Joining me this morning is Jonah Ryan.
- (STEVIE SNAPS FINGERS)
Thank you, Jane, for having me in.
Breaking news from Washington, DC,
where an agreement has been reached
to end the government shutdown.
I'm sorry, what?
We go live to the White House.
No, we don't.
No, we
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm happy to say
that we found a way to reach
across the partisan divide
and build a bridge.
You've gotta be kidding me!
I did not authorize
I'd like to thank Congressman
Clarence Clark and his Libertonians.
- I did not approve this!
- Thank you, Congressman.
- (OVERLAPPING VOICES)
- (LAUGHING)
He's pissing himself!
- JONAH: Start asking questions!
- Oh.
Ooh, beat my wife with a frying pan,
it's even hotter today.
Y'all, I'm sorry that Judge
couldn't be here to say goodbye.
He went off this morning
on a business trip
with Stewart to Key West.
Ooh, I bet he went off to
one of his special holes.
Hey, you two girls, how you doing?
- Yeah, we just cried a lot.
- But we're stronger for it.
Yeah, I'm glad we're going in
separate cars, I can tell you that.
Imogene, thank you so much.
Oh, you take good
care of my Gary, okay?
- I want grandkids.
- Yeah, sure, you do whatever you want.
Ma'am, you got a text
from Ambassador Jaffar.
He said he talked to Quartie,
who said, "He took to you
- like a hog to persimmons.
"
- Is that a good thing?
- Well, they cause diarrhea in hogs.
- Oh, well
And Quartie said, "All that
hollering was a hoot,"
and he wants to make a large
donation to the library.
- Oh, that's fantastic!
- IMOGENE: Oh, Gary,
it's just too long between visits.
You got such a hard job.
- There's so much I wanna say to you, Mama.
- Well, we just won't say it.
Gary, it's 100-and-fuck degrees.
Let's go!
- Come on! My God in heaven.
- I love you, Mama.
SELINA: Take it easy, Imogene.
(MUSIC PLAYING OVER RADIO)
Are you still not talking to me?
(SCOFFS)
Because I'm not going
to apologize, you know?
I would if I had something to
apologize for, but I don't.
I certainly don't need to
apologize for anything.
Okay, lookit,
politicians borrow stuff all the time.
- Personal stories?
- Absolutely.
I mean, you should be honored
that I would think your story was special
enough to even consider using it.
Did you really like it?
It's actually it's like
what my daddy used to say.
He used to say, "If that
story was like a horse,
it'd be a unicorn.
'Cause it was magical.
"
- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.
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