But he's too much of a
pussy to go for my pussy.
Okay, well, that's
probably for the best.
He's not gonna get away with that.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, ma'am!
I'm back.
What the hell was that?
You really wanted me, didn't you?
There were sparks practically
flying out of your dick!
Why am I getting this sense of déjà vu?
No, no, no, I'm not talking
about the Green Room.
That was just a good,
old-fashioned hate fuck.
Selina, I do not and
never have hated you!
You got that right! You loved me.
- Stop it!
- You still love me now.
- What?!
- You do! Admit it.
- Admit it.
Admit it!
- You are fucking crazy!
Okay, right there, right
there, what do you call that?
- What was that?
- That was
You want to throw me onto this couch
and pin my legs behind
my head and do me.
- I am a happily married man, Selina.
- Oh, that's not an answer!
What the fuck is wrong with you?!
What the fuck is wrong with you?!
Okay, wha this!
What do you want me to say, Selina?
What do you want me to say, Tom, huh?
That back when I was in the Senate,
the only reason that
I co-sponsored S-473
was because I had a crush on you?
That when we were in Los Angeles
and we walked out onto the stage
to accept the nomination,
and you grabbed my hand and you
held it up high, and I was like,
"Oh, my God, he's holding my hand.
"
That when I was in the loony bin,
I thought about you
endlessly, and I was
(DOOR OPENS)
Tom?
Sweetheart.
This is my wife, Alethia.
Alethia?
Is that her name or is that the
pill you take to fuck her?
- Alethia!
- So nice to meet you, President Meyer.
- Oh, that's so nice of you.
- I voted for you.
Well, it didn't help.
(CHUCKLES)
Okay, you know, I should head back
and, uh, deal with the
ceremony and so on.
Yes, yes, yes.
(MOUTHING) You love me.
(MOUTHING) I!
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
the President of the United States.
Oh, wow, she looks awesome.
I'd give my left tit for those tits.
Hello.
Buenas tardes.
Good afternoon.
There are so many things
that I would like to say about
the extraordinary woman
- who was my predecessor
here at the White House.
- Here comes the love!
- Shh, I know.
Shh.
- But unfortunately,
I have to return to the Oval
Office to deal with the shutdown.
I know Selina Meyer,
who has navigated many
crises in her own term,
will understand.
- President Meyer.
- Oh.
Selina.
Now, let's take a look at
this beautiful piece of work.
- (CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICK)
- (CROWD OOHS)
- GARY: Oh, my God.
- It's beautiful.
- Oh.
- That's beautiful.
Thank you very, very much.
Thank you.
Oh, goodness, I do wish you could've
heard President Montez's speech
because she's so well-spoken,
don't you think?
And this is very nice, folks.
Very nice, indeed.
You know, um
I look around this room
and I see so many portraits
of of so many of our great presidents,
and I am reminded of their
many accomplishments
and shining moments.
But I also like to think
perhaps about their
not-so-shining moments.
And that, um
well, maybe none of it matters.
You know, because maybe
in a hundred years,
all that anyone will remember
is that you have your portrait
hanging on a wall in the White House.
(CHUCKLES) So, out of
respect for the furlough,
um, I think we should wrap things up.
So, thank you so much.
What a what a wonderful thing.
Thank you.
That was a great speech.
Yeah, that cow put the
chair in the painting.
- (WHISPERS) What chair?
- The fucking chair in that painting
is the chair that she
made love to Andrew on.
- I slept in that chair.
- And look at my neck.
I no, in the painting!
Look at my neck.
I have pardoned
turkeys with fewer waddles.
My neck does not look like that.
No, it doesn't.
- Madam President.
- Oh, yes!
- I'm sorry.
- This is John Corbin.
- He's Montez's me.
- Great.
Not exactly.
I have a law degree
and served two tours in Afghanistan.
Oh, congrats.
I'm afraid we're gonna have
to start clearing the room
so we can furlough the rest of
the staff in a timely manner.
Well, that makes solid sense.
We'll get out of your hair.
Thank you so much.
Hello!
- This goes inside your jacket.
- Oh.
Ma'am, the painting is stunning.
Well, thank you, Marjorie, but you're
not exactly known for your good taste.
You know what, this is your fault.
(GASPS) No!
Yes! I should not have
come to this thing.
Jesus Christ, underage Muslim brides
are less traumatized
at their unveiling.
AMY: Shh.
And even they don't have
to drink Coke Zero.
- At least Jonah wasn't here.
- Hey, that's positive, see?
A lot of people are saying that
I shut down the government.
You're damn right, I did!
I shut down the government
for wasting our money.
I shut down the government for
interfering with our clocks and watches.
I shut down the post office because
everybody just uses email anyway.
I shut down NPR because
they're a total snoozefest,
and they said this
shutdown was a bad idea.
I shut down the national parks
so that your parents will have to
take you someplace cool on vacation,
like Disney World or Cancun or Mexico.
- Okay.
- Okay, okay.
Are there any questions?
The congressman will not
be taking any questions.
The congressman will not
be taking any questions.
- Thank you.
- Provocative stuff there
from the bad boy of
Washington, Jonah Ryan.
Wall Street, meanwhile, has
reacted to the shutdown
with what analysts are urging
us not to label a panic.
Also, are we doing our
laundry all wrong?
Japanese efficiency experts say no.
Plus, our own Buzzy Kanahale's
gonna be reporting the weather
from the place that matters
the most the beach.
- Oof, wish I could join him there.
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