- Okay, fine, I'll go.
- (SIGHS)
Okay? But I am not gonna
have a good time.
And if one person
mentions Tom James to me,
I'm gonna go piss in that punch bowl.
- This country doesn't deserve you.
- I know it.
Voting closes in five minutes
and we're still missing votes.
Well, well, well, sorry, boys,
no votes today on legalizing tiny
Fleshlights for micro wangs.
Except for you, Gellardi.
I'd wager it takes a
whole roll of duct tape
to strap down your hog of a cock.
For your information, we're
called the Jeffersons, probably,
and we're here to shove some
liberty up America's ass.
If you'll excuse me, Roger,
I'm gonna whip it out.
Madam Clerk, Representative Gellardi
votes no on HR 2970.
- Recorded.
- CLARK: Madam Clerk,
Representative Clark
votes no on HR 2970.
This was a done deal!
Now look what you did, you writhing,
piss-filled skin Twizzler!
You made Speaker Marwood
run all the way down here!
Now the clots in his legs are
gonna rush to his brain.
And maybe you were too busy biting James
Bond's cable car wire to realize,
but if we don't raise the debt ceiling,
America's financial system is gonna
go belly-up like what, Will?
Like my labradoodle, Teddy, when I cover his
cock in honey and give him a sticky licky.
- No, bad!
- Look at me.
(SNAPS FINGERS, WHISTLES)
You could shut down the government.
Well, maybe the government
needs to be shut down
- because it's broken.
- Oh!
And when something's
broken, you shut it down,
and then you turn it back on
again like with a router.
And if they didn't want me
to shut down the government,
then maybe they should've invited
me to the Meyer unveiling!
Do you even know what an
unveiling ceremony is?!
Look, whether I know what
an unveiling is or is not
is not the point.
The point is principles.
My God.
Just call off
your morons, Congressman.
My morons are voting no.
(ALL MURMURING)
Madam Clerk, on HR 2970,
Congressman Ryan votes no.
- (PEOPLE MURMURING)
- Lights out!
(JEFFERSONS CHANTING) Lights out!
Lights out!
Lights out! Lights out! Lights out!
SELINA: Oof, here we are.
Look at this place.
It is
such a dump, isn't it?
Although, I have to admit
I sort of miss it.
Aw, and it misses you, too.
The one who got away.
And now she's back for her big day!
(CHUCKLES)
- Are you wearing makeup?
- No.
Yeah.
Madam President!
It is so lovely to see you again.
- My daughter misses you.
- Thank you
I have no idea what
these people's names are.
so much!
I know one thing she's the one
who put my sweater in the dryer.
- (GASPS) Yes!
- Right.
Madam President, we've sure
missed you around here.
- Oh, thank you
- Friend.
friend.
Where are you taking the Jackie crystal?
- Such a shame.
- What's happening right now?
- What are those, chips?
- Why is there Coke Zero behind us?
Ma'am, your guests will
arrive in a half hour.
And they set up the
Blue Room for your use.
What is this Dixie cup shit show?
It's like we teleported to
post-Katrina Mississippi.
GARY: I know! There's no tablecloths.
Montez is really taking
this Mexican thing too far.
- Morning, ma'am.
- Hey, what is this?
Well, as of a few minutes ago,
Jonah and his merry band of jizz huffers
drove their short bus right
into the debt ceiling vote
and T-boned the entire US economy.
Treasury Secretary Baird ordered
- a full government shutdown.
- Shutdown.
All nonessential White House staff
have been furloughed,
starting immediately.
- Okay.
- Hey, Mom, everyone.
- Did we miss it?
- No, I'm afraid not.
You know, there's not even a punch
bowl for me to piss in here.
Marjorie, Catherine,
congratulations are in order.
Oh, right! Thank you.
We just hit the 12-week mark.
It's a boy.
(CHATTER)
- Congressman Furlong.
- Brookheimer!
Got your dong of a résumé.
(CHUCKLES)
I know you'd chew your own arm
off to escape being handcuffed
to Meyers's overly toned corpse
and her dungeon of losers,
but I had to go in another direction.
Tell her why, Will.
You're stronger than me,
and you have a higher reserve
of dignity and self-worth.
And I'm trapped in a cycle of abuse.
FURLONG: Better luck next time.
Hey, Fuckleberry Finn!
Christ, you got old.
- You wanna work for that guy?
- I really do.
- Tom! Hi!
- Madam President.
- What are you doing here?
- (CHUCKLES)
Can I have a private word with you?
Would that be all right, or are you
afraid that I'll rape you again?
- Well
- (CHUCKLES)
- Well, sure, let all right.
- Come, come, come, yes, yes, yeah.
Hi.
Yeah, so good to see you, too.
I can't believe that I
gave you a goddamn blurb.
- Why, Tom? Why did you do that?
- Come on, Selina.
For Christ's sake, we both
know how the game is played.
I came to you in good faith and I asked!
- Well
- I did the classy thing.
Come on, we both know you were
gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Of course I was, but I had the
courtesy to seem like I might not!
And then with that TV appearance.
Me the aggressor? What is that?!
That is sick, sociopathic shit.
I'm worried about you.
I think you need help.
- I need help? Oh, please!
- Absolutely.
You've got more issues than
"National Geographic.
"
What's going on here?
I don't understand.
- Did I do something to deserve this?
- No, no!
You did nothing.
Wait a minute, what was that?
Did I hurt your feelings
because I, what
because I didn't call you afterwards?
Oh, that is just so stupid.
And I would've said
the same thing to you
a year ago if you had called me.
Oh, ho, ho! So, you did want me to call.
(MOCKING) Oh, oh, poor Tommy.
- He wanted me to call him afterwards.
- Shut the fuck up!
(INHALES)
Sorry, I should not have
raised my voice like that.
Madam President, thank you for
inviting us to your unveiling.
My wife is a huge fan.
Yeah, well, you know what, you
can have your trophy wife
and your trophy office
and your trophy baby,
who you won't even live
to see go to college,
but I still got to be president,
and, tsk, you never will.
(CHUCKLES)
Oh! I was looking for you.
They're
waiting for you to begin.
I swear to God, Tom James just
wanted to fuck me right now.
- What?!
- Yeah, we had a real moment.
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