She would be dialing a divorce lawyer
if she ever thought that you
and I had swapped more than,
you know, appreciative memos.
- You understand that?
- I do.
Well, I guess
I will have to think outside my box.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
Right.
Oh, my God, why did I have to fuck
the last remaining
gentleman in Washington?
- God!
- Who said that? Was that Dolley Madison?
It was James Madison.
- Okay, Mike, get up.
- So, how'd it go?
(EXHALES) Well, he just
begged me not to put it in.
So, none of it goes in the book?
- No, it all goes in.
- Good.
MONTEZ: With regards
to the debt ceiling,
I think we can all agree that
none of us wants to play politics
with the full faith and
credit of the United States.
I brought you here
Hey, did you get invited
to the Meyer unveiling?
Everyone was unless you're a mole person
who was cast out of his
underground society
for keistering sewer rats.
- I wasn't invited.
- I know.
- Roger.
- Madam President,
my extremist colleagues on
the other side of the aisle
have launched a full-fledged
and savage attack
against the poor and
disadvantaged of this country.
You are addicted to spending like
the proverbial drunken sailor.
Okay, that part's done.
I can give you a freeze
on the rate of increase
on AFDC and all the Head Start
cuts, but no dice on Medicare.
- I can live with that.
- All right, gentlemen,
let's get this passed tomorrow.
Uh, excuse me, Ms.
Caruso,
due to some oversight,
I did not receive my invite
to the unveiling ceremony.
I suggest you ask someone
from President Meyer's team.
- Candi, are you all right?
- Of course she's all right.
Why are women always
checking in on one another
when I am talking to them?
Ma'am, I would appreciate it very much
if I could have an invite
to the unveiling thing.
That is President Meyer's
invitation list.
It is her fiesta, as you would say.
Well, it's your casa
white-o, as you would say.
- Madam President, are you all right?
- Oh, for God's sakes.
You haven't heard the
last of Jonah Ryan.
Okay, Jeffersons, sit down.
The Black Caucus gets this
room back in 20 minutes.
I do not wanna piss those guys off.
Oh, we were talking about the name,
and Cherry Tree Choppers
sounds a lot more legitimate.
No! We already picked a name.
We're the Jeffersons, period.
- How about the Rough Riders?
- Oh, fuck, that's good!
No, we're already known
as the Jeffersons, okay?
And right now, we need to do something,
something big that makes Montez
really pay attention to us.
Mm-hmm.
Something like ending
Daylight Savings Time.
- Yes.
- Something like ending government waste.
- Yeah.
- Cutting aid to Israel!
Whoa, no! We're not gonna do that.
Are you crazy?
- Cutting aid to veterans.
- Great!
- They volunteered, right?
- CLARK: Yeah, yeah.
We're gonna do all these things,
and we're gonna get invited
to that unveiling.
- Who's with me? Yeah!
- ALL: Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Wait, you weren't invited?
- No.
Were you?
- Yeah.
Oh, for Christ's sake.
Why do you keep saying Tom
James and I made love?
Are you a 15-year-old girl?
- No.
- Richard!
Yes, ma'am?
I want you to get my
editor on the phone, okay?
No, see, you gotta find a
different word than "screwed.
"
It's just hard to come up with
so many different ways to curse.
Please hold for President Meyer.
I've
got Greg Morehouse for you, ma'am.
Greg? Hello!
Okay, so I have got a White House book
that is hotter than Nancy
Reagan's guide to cocksucking.
I kid you not.
You are gonna be so pleased!
I what?
Oh, right.
(SNAPS FINGERS) Richard, go
and turn on CBS right now.
I'll call you back.
- Hey, Tom James is on TV.
- He looks good.
That's the reason I've always said
that Selina Meyer's political acumen
is sharp as any you'll
find in Washington.
What's wrong with that? My goodness.
Even so, I did not expect
to find myself on a couch
in the Green Room at
the White House, um
Having sex with President Selina Meyer.
- Right.
- Oh, my.
Tom James, who is telling us
about the explosive revelations
in his book "Investing
with a Conscience,"
excerpted in this month's "Vanity Fair.
"
"Vanity Fair?" Mike, how did
we not know about this?
They called me a couple months ago
and I thought they were trying to
get me to renew my prescription.
Subscription!
TOM: I had always looked
up to President Meyer
as something of a mentor.
She's a year older than me.
- (GARY GASPS, GROANS)
- Okay, that is a fucking lie!
I mean, where's the follow-up question?
- This is disinformation!
- Yeah!
Now, Senator, was President
Meyer the aggressor?
Your word, not mine.
- But again, yes.
- Mm-hmm.
(SCOFFS) I didn't rape him!
He wishes!
Ma'am, I think he's talking about you!
DAN: My guest has been Tom James.
The book is "Investing
with a Conscience.
"
I can't believe I said that
steaming turd of a book
was a refreshing take on Wall Street
aimed at your conscience
and your funny bone.
- Hey, you used my blurb!
- Oh, quiet up, Mike.
Gary, call the White House
and tell them to cancel
that stupid portrait thing,
'cause I don't wanna go.
What are you talking about?
You have to go.
I just can't take this, you know?
I've taken the rest of it.
I took the election loss,
I took Andrew's infidelity,
- Catherine's Catherine-ness, okay?
- Mm-hmm.
But this I cannot take.
Listen to me, Tom is a weak man.
It wasn't even that
good, I gotta tell you.
Oh, please give me the permission
to tell that to his face tomorrow.
- Please, I beg you.
- Oh, my God, right.
I forgot Tom is gonna be there.
- (GROANS)
- This is like Black History Month.
It never fucking ends!
Do you want me to 69 him?
- Oh, 86.
- Yeah.
No, because then it just
becomes this thing.
Okay, what about the speech? What
about the speech, all right?
President Montez is giving
that amazing speech about you.
And I asked them to use the
Jackie Kennedy crystal service.
- Really?
- Yep.
Nobody since Jackie
has given as much for
their country as you.
That is true.
If Jackie Kennedy can go through the day
with her husband's philandering
brains all over her dress
and her head held high,
looking stunning,
even though they made her ride around in a
convertible like an animal, I might add,
you can go to the White House tomorrow
and forget all about those 15 minutes
where he couldn't even unzip
the back of your dress.
Wait a minute, what?
How do you know that?
It was in Mike's notes.
Oh, right.
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