You know, 'cause I was
so petite and pretty.
- Uh-huh, yeah.
- And lookit here.
I'd take this picture of me and Daddy.
I would just stare at it.
See?
- (GRUNTS)
- (GASPS)
- He was a cheater and a liar!
- (GRUNTS)
(GRUNTS) He was a horse thief!
I was stupid little Daddy's girl!
You gotta do this, Mike.
Come on.
- Okay.
- God damn him!
- Uh, bad desk!
- No, come on!
You gotta be mad about something!
Pay me! Pay me, bitch!
Yeah, you pay him, you bitch!
Pay me, bitch!
Wait, stop!
This is a pencil holder
that I made for my daddy
when I was at camp.
Okay, okay.
- Oh, yeah!
- This feels good.
- Why do shoes cost so much money?!
- He wasn't so perfect!
He loved them and he was fucking them!
- I wish I had peed first.
- Come on!
- Why do I always wait so long to pee?
- Oh, my God.
- I'm a grown man!
- (SCREAMING)
I shouldn't eat when I'm full!
Ma'am! Ma'am!
- Move!
- (ENGINE REVS)
(MIKE SCREAMS)
(HORN BLARING)
Ma'am.
- Ma'am.
- (HORN STOPS)
(MIKE GRUNTING)
Oh, God!
- Are you all right?
- Sure.
Easy.
Oh.
We did a number on this place.
SELINA: Jesus Christ.
My mom was right and I ignored her,
and I married my fucking father.
We should call the fire department.
I smell smoke.
This is the book.
This is the story of the gifted girl
who triumphed over her
parents' toxic marriage
to become an American icon!
Don't you see? I had no choice
but to go into politics
and be extraordinary and a sex symbol.
- And you're gonna write it!
- (VOMITS)
(SNORTS, SPITS)
Guys, it's fine.
Mike crashed my car.
He's completely wasted.
I made this at camp.
(GIGGLES) Look, I made it at camp.
- AGENT: Ma'am.
- Just leave him.
And finally, an attempt
to break the record
for cooking the world's
largest hamburger
turned into an unhappy meal yesterday
when the 45-foot-wide patty caught fire.
Danny, Jane.
That's Brie Ramachandran
with the world news.
Boy, some scary moments there, I bet.
- Frightening.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, that's all the time we have.
We'll see you in the tomorrow.
- Bye, now.
- Bye.
And we are clear.
(SNAPS FINGERS)
- Jane, perfect as always.
- Oh, please.
Hey, so, Danny, before I
have a morning bagel,
I just wanna make sure you
don't wanna fuck that, too.
Page six.
"Jane McCabe's boy toy steps
out with beefy blonde.
"
What the fuck?
Yeah, I don't think Jane's gonna
like you out with a younger woman.
That's Amy Brookheimer,
and she's way older than Jane.
Hey, Jane, just wanna make
sure you're not mad about this
because we're not actually
fucking, and you know that, right?
Yes, Danny, I know that
we're not actually fucking
because you're not a billionaire
and I don't wanna catch anything.
Okay, well, then maybe
you can call the "Post"
and tell them that these rumors
about us are complete bullshit
'cause this is like Dewey
blows Truman here.
Dan, if I stop being
fuckable, then I am Grandma,
and if I'm Grandma, I will be replaced
by two tits with a degree from
American University over there.
It's you.
You're the one telling people.
Smart and handsome.
(CHUCKLES)
All right, the treasury secretary
is meeting with House leadership
about a hard date for the debt ceiling.
Why do we always have
to raise the ceiling?
So you don't scrape your head,
you giant barbecue fork.
You need to get rid of your glasses.
They make you look smart.
- Okay.
- Voters hate that.
BEN: Okay, next vote.
HR 2029, it's good,
old-fashioned pork barrel.
Excuse me, don't say pork.
Shawnee's Jewish.
Okay, just refer to
your color-coded chart.
I've become close with
a woman at Kinko's
who makes educational
materials for preschoolers.
Come on, if the other congressmen
see me with a cheat sheet,
they're gonna think I'm a fucking idiot.
You can't unring that bell.
Why can't we just write it
on my hand like we used to?
That worked and I felt
good about myself.
- Take your tie off.
- What? Like, right now?
Okay, guys, will you just give
us eight to 10 minutes or so?
No, you're switching to bow ties.
No, I'm gonna look like
that old popcorn homo.
You'll look like a school teacher
or a small-town grocer
good, solid New England professions.
Yeah, or like a nation of Islam badass.
Small-town grocers do poll
exceptionally well for probity.
How do small-town child molesters poll?
Oh, and you're voting against HR 2029.
Wait, wait, Jesus, lady,
we're talking about 300
jobs here at least.
Jobs for wetlands duck-fuckers who
are never gonna vote for Jonah.
Being against waste will play statewide,
- and even nationally.
- (BELL RINGS)
- Okay, vote no.
- BOTH: Vote yes.
If I vote no, can I turn
your drylands into wetlands?
- Ugh, fine.
- Okay, thanks, babe.
- Stop it.
Clean this shit up.
- JONAH: Okay.
Kent, would you mind just
cleaning this shit up?
Just straighten it up a
little bit for me? Thank you.
Well, the female form is
a formidable adversary.
Well, ironically, I have bigger tits.
Ma'am, that's the letter of
recommendation for the Harper Day School.
Yes, indeed, okay.
- Ma'am, do you have a second?
- Sure.
Catherine, Richard, and I have
something important to tell you.
Okay.
RICHARD: I think you're
gonna be really surprised.
- Mom, what happened to your forehead?
- Oh, it's nothing.
Mike and I were at Mee-Maw's last night
and oh, the stable got
wrecked, by the way.
- CATHERINE: What?
- How did the stable get wrecked?
Anyway, you know how I have
been searching forever
for the perfect place for my library,
and all along, it's been
staring at me in my face!
I'm gonna turn Mee-Maw's house
into the Selina Meyer Presidential
Birthplace and Library.
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