1
(EXHALES)
(DOOR OPENS)
Hey, ma'am, I think somebody's coming.
Oh.
Uh-oh.
(GRUNTS)
Oh!
- Oh, my God.
- Gary.
Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God!
- Oh!
- (SIGHS)
- Oh!
- Ah, President Meyers.
President Stevenson!
Enjoying a stroll down memory lane?
Well, I'll tell you something,
if this were my library,
I would make sure the people
could sit behind the desk.
Can you even have a library?
Seems like it'd be more
like a bookmobile.
- Yeah.
- Oh, my goodness, you're so funny!
If only the American people could've
known you for your sense of humor
instead of your bizarre
indifference to apartheid.
President Stevenson.
- Ah, Mr.
Splett.
- Ma'am, I found one.
You found what?
You told me to find all
the pictures of you.
- I didn't say that.
- Is that your purse?
No.
Let's go and see what else
Hughes stole from the West Wing.
You want to? I think we're
about to start this thing.
I don't understand how a guy who never
cracked a book can open up a library.
Let me tell you something,
Hughes literally grabbed this
chopper the day you left office.
How they "Jewed him down,"
as Mother used to say
when she wasn't busy telling me he
only picked me as a running mate
so that he could look taller.
Oh, my God.
Supermodels are your height.
It doesn't matter.
She's dead.
Who cares?
Hey, that reminds me, we need to find
a place for Andrew's desk upstairs.
How is an ex-president's
ex moving back in with her
gonna go over with small-town America?
Unlike small-town America,
Andrew fucks me in a way I really enjoy.
- Oh, wow!
- Mm-hmm.
MAN: Ma'am, may I get one with
you and the first ladies?
Oh, absolutely!
No Mrs.
Hughes.
She must be hanging
from the rafters somewhere.
- Gale!
- Don't forget the first husbands.
Madame President, you
look stunning in white.
Where's la presidenta?
I believe she is with President
Hughes and the other formers
taking pictures in front
of Air Force One.
Wait, that wasn't on the schedule.
I think it was an impromptu thing.
They just happened to be
chatting amongst themselves.
Got it.
So good to see you!
Former fuckers.
This is as impromptu as a colonoscopy
except with quadruple the assholes.
Are we running from
something scary, ma'am?
No.
Richard, you slow down.
It'll
look like I'm not running.
- Gary, you go fast.
- Yep!
Oh, no, that's too fast.
Okay, folks, listen up.
(CLAPS)
I want a library.
(SIGHS) I guess I could give
up the gift wrapping room.
No, no, no, I want a goddamn
"look at the size of my dick,"
"bring history to life"
presidential library.
GARY: Mm-hmm.
I'm the only living president
who doesn't have one.
And you wanna know why that is?
Because you served less than one year?
No.
Because nobody gives me any respect.
I was a two-term senator.
I was a congresswoman.
- A mother.
- No!
I was the first woman vice president.
And America cannot forget that.
Never forget.
Oh, sorry, that's the Holocaust.
- Totally forgot.
- I need a monument to Selina Meyer.
- An institution.
- Selina Meyer belongs in an institution.
- It was a spa.
- Let's do this!
Oh, you know what? We're on an airplane.
I know that.
What are you thinking
about for a location?
- It's gonna be Yale.
- Oh.
Yale has the prestige.
And, boys, it's where
I went to law school.
So, I mean, Yale's just perfect.
Your outfits alone are gonna be a wing.
- Dresses, belts
- Now, look,
I want you to start
lining up architects.
I wanna talk to every Tom,
Dick, and Gehry out there.
Maybe a female candidate.
Well, we're not redoing a
kitchen, here, you know?
And we need to tell them that the
Kennedy Library is a reference point
'cause, you know, he was
also a part-termer.
Right.
(MAN CHUCKLES) Can I bring anything?
Ah, don't bring a thing.
I'm gonna
make my famous paella valenciana.
We're looking forward to seeing you
and your lovely wife on Saturday.
All right, can't be too safe.
That sweaty pederast has ruined
more kids than the Common Core.
Luckily, Will's anal halitosis
renders him completely unbouffable.
- Tell 'em why, Will.
- I'm fortunate to be odious
to all colors of the sexual spectrum.
So, what is it? Speak,
Professor X-Gayvier.
Minority Leader Furlong, with
Congressman Shields' retirement,
there is an empty seat
on Ways and Means, so
Yeah, let me save you the peanut
log you're about to squeeze
out of your face anus here no.
You remain in detention
on the Ethics Committee
with the rest of the
special ed Breakfast Club.
Nobody in Congress cares about ethics.
Jonah Ryan needs to make waves.
- Dismissed, GI Slow.
- I'm free Saturday night.
I am shocked.
Good luck getting your precious back
from those mean hobbits, Sméagol.
- Uh, Kent.
- Will.
I, uh I'm so sorry, but,
you know, a job's a job.
That's a false equivalence, but
I appreciate the sentiment.
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