1
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
- JONAH: Take the apple, Mrs.
Sherman!
- (SHERMAN SHRIEKS)
- Reach out and take it.
Take the apple.
- MAN: Mr.
Ryan.
Mr.
Ryan, would you please
step back to your podium?
She wouldn't take the apple.
Which one of you Johnny Appledick shit
for brains came up with that bit?
Hi, ma'am, I just arrived
here in Winter Blunderland.
SELINA: He looked like Ike
Turner handing Tina a snack.
I think we've identified
the key problem,
which is that Jonah does not
interact well with humans.
No, I don't interact well
with hag-ass old bitches.
Do you realize that you just
handed O'Brien New Hampshire
chained to a radiator
with its twat shaved?
- I'm hanging up!
- I'm sorry, Mom.
You know what? On the positive side,
now I can just try and concentrate
on our little family weekend.
- Just us Meyers.
- Well, then why is Gary here?
- I mean, no offense.
- Gary's family, too.
Oh, thank you.
I'm just really excited
to have this time
for you and Dad and Monny to
get to know the real Marjorie.
I mean, fun Marjorie, not just
Marjorie the Secret Service agent.
SELINA: Oh, I'm excited to get
to know fun Marjorie, too.
When is she arriving?
(BOTH LAUGHING)
I'm just kidding.
I'm just teasing.
Whoo-hoo-hoo! The president is driving.
- Whoo-hoo-hoo!
- GARY: Look out.
Bump.
How about that?
- Look!
- Dad! Monny!
Kitty Cat!
All right, so the Chinese
are gonna be here any minute.
- Yeah.
- Beijing has demanded complete secrecy.
So you're gonna have to keep Charles
Ponzi and pussyride away from me.
We Meyers are very resourceful.
You do know you're not really
a member of my family, right?
- I do.
- Right.
SELINA: What is that insanity
you're putting all
over the tree, Monica?
Oh, this is my homemade
cranberry and popcorn tinsel
- that I like to call
- (GASPS) Popcornaments!
Someone's been reading my blog.
I just trademarked the word last week.
It sounds delicious and it's adorable.
So I'm gonna call it delorable.
See? We can all do it.
- Hey, Mom.
- Yes?
I just wanted to let
you know that Marjorie
is a raw food vegan and
she's turned me into one.
Oh, so that's two things
she's turned you into.
Yeah, we just thought maybe we could
have, like, a sham ham for Christmas.
What is that, sweetie?
Is that like tofurkey?
No, ma'am, tofurkey is cooked.
This is a raw log made of
mushrooms and soaked walnuts.
But it tastes like a ham?
- Yeah, it's close.
- Not at all.
We could all cut back
on our meat consum
I'm terribly sorry, Marjorie.
- I thought you were Selina.
- That's okay, sir.
People make that mistake constantly.
How about you touch neither of us?
Okay, I'm gonna go check on
that funky food order and
Mom, I wanted to ask you about something,
but I can just talk to Dad about it.
He's better with money stuff.
What money stuff?
Well, it's just that
there's so much of it
that it's really tough to
know what to do with it.
Uncle George was saying that maybe
I should sell the Palm Beach house
so that I could pay
off the estate taxes.
Palm Beach house, honey? That
was my daddy's favorite house.
Actually, Lee, right now is
a fantastic time to sell.
And, Catherine, do you remember
that Brazil hotel chain?
- What?
- I told them about your veganism
and they decided to convert the
whole thing to an eco resort.
- No, they didn't.
- I have a prospectus in my briefcase.
I'll tell you what.
I think we
should not talk about money
during our sort of pre-Christmas
Christmas celebration.
Catherine and Marjorie,
can you gals go outside
and get some wood to start a fire?
Ma'am, your daughter's dazzling
eyes can start a fire themselves.
Okay, well, that's terrifying,
but I actually do think we need
to get some wood from outside.
- Yes, ma'am.
- Thanks.
Gary, we got to go.
Okay, are the Chinese here yet?
Delayed on the road, ma'am.
Presumably driving slowly and
not using their signals.
Hey, any updates on Debralee's sonogram?
Nothing.
I'm going crazy.
What do you got going
there, Depravey Crockett?
You can't go in with a plan.
The knife tells you.
Okay, so lay it on me, Ben.
It's all been prenegotiated, ma'am.
In exchange for you
lifting the sanctions,
China's agreed to build an
electronics plant in Ohio
and an engine assembly
plant in North Carolina.
Okay, so we got North Carolina, Ohio.
That's the presidency for me.
And as per usual, we raised the issue
of the Dalai Lama and the Panchen
Lama returning to Tibet.
- Dalai Lama, I'm so sick of him.
- He's insufferable.
Do we have a press release
ready to go, Mike?
All I got to do is press send and we
actually, I do need to
spell-check this thing.
Ma'am, Minna Häkkinen is through
security and headed this way.
How is it that that Asperger salad
inserted herself into this situation?
President Lu trusts her.
Likes
what she did with the IMF.
No, I'll tell you what he likes.
Nordic beav.
- (DOOR OPENS)
- Irresistible.
Ooh!
- Shh.
- What?
- Oh, Minna!
- Selina.
- Hello.
- Hello.
I have not seen you
since you failed to vote for
me to be head of the IMF.
And, oh, you changed your hair.
Thank you, yes.
I have more highlights.
And you changed your eyelids.
You had oculoplasty.
- Um
- You look more alert.
Yeah (STAMMERS)
Well, the latest poll numbers are in
and you've fallen 20 points
behind the Widow Sherman.
We have to keep you away from people.
Yeah, surround you with some trees.
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