I have to go.
- Madam Vice President.
- Yes? I'd like to introduce you to one of our actual platinum donors.
I have some great ideas about tax reform I want to talk to you about.
- I want to hear them.
- Well, there's two types of people.
- Uh-huh.
- Okay? You got grabbers.
And then you have the other kind.
I don't have a name for that.
The ones who don't grab.
- Oh.
- The grabbers, right, - they take the world by the scrotum, okay? - Oh.
- And they make it happen.
- This is just riveting stuff.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
So sorry.
- Yes? I don't know what to say, so I'm just whispering instead.
Oh, I have the - Middle east.
- You can talk later.
- We have all night.
- I appreciate that.
Hello.
Uh-huh.
I just want to eat in a quiet corner away from these bozos, okay? And that's the essence of a grabber.
- Okay? - Mm-hmm.
You'd think with all the money I'm jerking up the wall here, I'd get more than a stuffed chicken breast.
Right, well, you know, I've got to tell you, these caterers, they've got I gave 30,000 bucks, I get a chicken breast.
That guy didn't give 500 bucks, he's got a chicken breast.
- What do I get, stuffing? - Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
- Throw me a drumstick or something.
- Larry.
- Hey.
- It's good to see you.
- Why, you need a lawyer? All right, look.
Listen.
I may have gotten involved in a little something.
What happens if I get called in before a congressional committee? Okay, you need three versions of your statement.
Uh-huh, like what I say happened, what they say happened, and the truth? Right? A written, an oral, and a shorter oral - in case of a time limit.
- Right.
Yeah, you want to tell a congressional committee the truth, Dan.
Anything out of line, you're looking at a perjury charge.
Fuck! Don't call attention to yourself, all right? Just lay low, keep your head down.
All right, now let's say this does actually happen and I get called in, what's it like up there? You know those dreams where your football coach is screaming at you, you look down, you're dressed like Shirley Temple and then all your teeth fall out? That's like a Disney version of a congressional committee.
You're gonna get hometown, downtown questions.
You'll catch partisan shit.
There's gonna be grandstanding.
And if they smell blood, if they think you're going down and there's gonna be a kill, you might get what we call corpse fucking.
Jesus.
Corpse fucking? That's what it's called where they take your mortal remains and have as much fun with it as they can.
'Cause everybody wants to be the guy getting the TV sound bite, okay? And they're gonna be talking about you.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Thank you so much.
Thank you so, so, very, very much.
Good evening, everyone.
What are you doing? Sir, this crying is tracking pretty well.
What? - Oh, shit.
- Yeah, it's good.
Okay, that changes everything.
She's someone I know you know very well.
- Hey, come here.
- Relax, okay? I spoke to her.
You spoke to her.
She's not gonna fucking endorse.
No, no, no.
We want her to endorse now.
Okay? She's gone from toxic to turn-on.
So just when we give you the nod, give her the signal, all right? You guys are burning a fucking hole through my stomach.
I just spent all afternoon fixing this for you.
- Now you want me to unfix it? - Is this your first day in the game? I think he's wrapping up, so - Okay.
- How you feeling? Well, I'm a political leper, and I'm an emotional time bomb.
So here's an idea let's put me onstage.
Selina Meyer.
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much.
So wonderful.
Thank you.
Please be seated.
Thank you so much.
It is my very Come on, what are you waiting for? Give her the signal.
What the fuck is the signal? There's no international signal to endorse.
Use your fucking head.
Give her a thumbs up or something.
Oh, my goodness.
Well, this has been quite the day, hasn't it? We love you! Thank you very much.
She can't cry three times in a day.
That's three strikes and you're out.
How big are her tear ducts? It's like they're fucking tidal.
Such a happy occasion, and Jesus Christ.
Fuck it, don't endorse.
I'm so glad to be here in the 17th state of the union.
My grandfather, he was from Cincinnati, as a matter of fact.
Oh.
We used to have a saying in our family.
We used to say we're awfully embarrassed by our buckteeth.
But we were mighty proud of our buckeyes.
Okay, endorse.
Endorse.
Endorse.
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