- You still here?
I need a job.
Thanks.
Just to be clear, have you been sending
two children to our school
for the price of one for months?
We're very sorry, Sister.
You only had space for one girl, so
So you committed fraud
and conspired to deny
the Sisters of Faith, Hope, and Charity
the revenue we send to our
sister order in Ghana
to help fight leprosy.
Leprosy? Really?
That's bad.
That's when
your skin falls off
I got it, Kev.
We're very sorry, Sister.
After much prayer, we've come
up with two possible ways
for us to resolve this sad situation.
$1,400?
[FRANCES] Your back
tuition, plus interest.
By Friday, or we call the cops.
[SIGHS]
And what's the other possible way?
[UPBEAT GUITAR MUSIC]
We need a Jesus for the Festival
of St.
Felicity pageant next weekend,
and Mr.
Ball looks like he works out.
You want Kev to be Jesus?
That's it?
There is one small catch.
- Whoa.
- [COUGHS]
That's huge.
And heavy.
Mr.
Polinsky made it himself.
He paid for a pew, so we've been afraid
to tell him no one can lift it.
So I gotta get nailed
up or it or something?
No.
Carry it on your shoulder,
as Christ did on his way to Golgotha.
[STRAINS, GRUNTS]
Our last Jesus got a hernia.
Uh, yeah.
So how far do I gotta carry it?
From the school to the church.
That's gotta be a hundred yards.
More like 150.
$1,400, Kev.
Fuck this.
I went to get a test done.
The doctor was my mom's oncologist.
[SPANISH MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
Cancer.
BRCA.
It's a gene, moron.
I went to find out if I inherited
a genetic mutation from my mom
that means I'm probably
gonna die of breast cancer.
Little gene might even throw in
ovarian cancer, free of charge,
just to make sure I'm good and dead.
And?
Don't find out the results
for a couple days.
Oh
I'm sorry.
[TAMI] Yeah, it's a tough
break for me, huh?
Want to know the real pisser?
There are two variations of the gene.
If I have one,
having babies reduces my
chances of getting cancer,
but if I have the other
Then having a baby
increases my chances
of getting cancer.
Cami got the test
a couple years ago, and she's got
the "baby good" kind of death gene,
so she got your buddy Brad
to knock her up right away,
and Cory took the test, and
Daddy's little princess
is, of course,
clean as driven snow.
And you've never been tested before.
Fuck no.
Why would I want to know
if I'm gonna live or die?
Can the doctors do anything
if you have the gene?
You know what? Let's eat.
I am fucking famished.
[DISTANT SIRENS WAILING]
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC]
[SIGHS]
[CHUCKLES WEAKLY]
[FIONA] Hi.
My name is Fiona, and, uh,
I'm not sure if I'm an alcoholic.
[ALL] Hi, Fiona.
I know I'm supposed to
say I'm an alcoholic,
but I I don't really know.
I have been going through
a really rough time
the last couple months,
and I've been drinking
too much to get by
But I haven't had trouble
with alcohol before.
There's a lot of reasons to think
that I could be an alcoholic.
My mom was a junkie,
and my dad's a drunk and an addict.
My brother's an alcoholic,
and I love him to death.
So I guess I should be here,
you know, just in case.
[LAUGHTER]
[LAUGHS]
Thanks for listening.
[ALL] You're welcome.
[MAN] Hi, my name is Tony,
and I'm an alcoholic.
Fuck.
Oh, holy shit!
- What are you doing?
- I'm sorry.
I'm not gay.
No, I know.
That was a mistake.
I'm I am I mean, I wish I was,
because if I were, I would
I would totally be into
you.
You're great.
Yeah, no.
Thanks.
Oh, shit.
I totally led you on.
I am
I'm so sorry.
We we
can still be friends.
Yeah, absolutely.
I should probably get
going and let you sleep,
'cause you worked last night, right?
Yeah, I did.
You should.
I'll call you later, okay?
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC]
[DOOR CLOSES]
[UPBEAT MUSIC ON SPEAKERS]
Shit.
That thing looks
like it weighs at least 300 pounds.
How far are you supposed to drag it?
From the school
playground to the church.
You can't put wheels on the
end of it or something?
The nuns said no.
Jesus didn't have wheels.
[VERONICA] Oh.
Here's the wig.
Jesus was a blond?
[VERONICA] No, Jesus was black
and had nappy hair, but no one
- ever wants to talk about that.
- Jesus wasn't black.
African.
Hello.
- Fuck off.
- You fuck off.
- Jesus was a Jew.
- Jesus was Jewish?
King of the Jews.
King of the Jews!
Yeah, at first, maybe,
but then he was Christian,
because he was
well, because he was Christ,
so he was the first Christ-ian.
[LAUGHS]
How do I look?
You want the truth?
[TOMMY] Hey, if you're looking to build
your post-vasectomy stamina,
lugging that fucker around oughta do it.
[TOMMY LAUGHS]
[VERONICA] Kevin?
The hell is that?
I think it's your pants.
[LAUGHTER]
[ELIZA] Hey.
I'm glad to see you here.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Thanks.
Uh, how's, uh, life at Patsy's?
Eh, same old shit.
[LAUGHS]
Lily ran off with her
boyfriend to Portland,
oh, and Juan he got picked up by ICE
when he showed up at court for a DUI.
Shit.
Well, he's got a family, right?
Yeah.
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