I mean, yeah, it sucks, but
we hadn't figured we'd
both get pregnant.
Least now I can drink.
Got any beer?
- Yeah, go help yourself.
- [SOFT CHUCKLE]
Well, how's Mel taking it?
I haven't told her yet.
Maybe I'll eat smoked salmon
and raw eggs in front of her,
and see if she notices.
- [LAUGHS]
- [CELL PHONE BUZZES]
"Hey, stranger.
Picking up some chairs for a client.
Wanna join and grab some
furniture for your flat?"
- Is that Ford?
- Mm-hmm.
Say yes.
He's like a furniture savant.
So the last time I saw him,
we kissed, and then he threw me out.
Well, said he had to work.
I have never waited this
long for someone to bang me.
It's kind of fun, weirdly.
For now.
Guy better be an animal in bed.
I wouldn't know.
I closed my eyes and
pictured Scarlett Johansson.
But I've heard glowing accounts.
Well, if I find out before I'm 40,
- I'll let you know.
- [LAUGHS]
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
Any bites yet?
Maybe we should change
her profile description.
What does it say now?
"Sassy Russian ex-prostitute
seeks single geriatric male
with piles of money and
a terminal illness.
"
Subtle.
Guy named Gerald seems interested.
Luxury cigar importer.
Hey, guess what we're doing.
I can find my own rich husband.
We know that you can, but
if a wealthy cigar importer
comes into The Alibi
tonight, it won't kill you
to smile and have a drink.
What is the point of smiling?
Make other people feel good.
I make people feel good other ways.
Yes, you do.
But there are some situations where
hand jobs are not appropriate.
American mid-century modern.
Mm.
That's cool.
Reference to the Danish
design movement of the 1950s.
[SOFT LAUGH]
Try it.
- It's comfy.
- Mm-hmm.
- Not sure it's me though.
- Says who?
You get to choose that.
That's what design is for.
- [FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
- Decide who you want to be.
[SPEAKING GREEK]
[SPEAKING GREEK]
[SPEAKS GREEK]
Thank you.
- What the fuck was that?
- Uh, Greek.
I lived in a monastery in
Macedonia for a while.
Of course you did.
And I just scored you a
$2,000 chair for 450,
which is insane.
[SCOFFS] I'm not gonna
spend $450 on a chair.
It's not a chair.
It's an investment in your future self.
[SIGHS]
How much that building cost you?
[STAMMERS] It was a lot more than I had.
Why'd you buy it then?
You're good.
[BUZZER BLARES FAINTLY]
- Hi.
- Hi.
Inmate's name?
It's, uh, Clyde Youens.
- [KEYS CLACKING]
- Y-O-U-E-N-S.
[CLEARS THROAT]
I'm sorry, he's deceased.
What?
There was an incident.
He didn't survive.
W when?
[KEYS CLACKING]
Tuesday.
Next of kin was contacted
and the body was claimed.
[SOMBER ALTERNATIVE MUSIC]
Next.
- Hi.
- Hey.
[MAN] Here for Paddy, 4629
[TRINA] They're kicking him out
of the hospital in the morning.
[LINC] And how is this my problem, huh?
He fell.
I didn't push him.
He worked six hours,
he'll get his 150 bucks
when the job is done and I get paid.
That's how this works.
[TRINA] We're not leaving this
spot until we get out our money.
Whatever!
Sorry to bother you.
Do you mind if my kids
use your bathroom?
Sure.
[WOMAN] We love you, Ian!
[MAN] There he is.
Look, it's Ian.
- Ian! Ian!
- Can you come to our
- [IAN] What's up, guys?
- My boyfriend is gonna flip.
He can't stop talking about you.
Could you, uh, record a message for him?
His name's Nico James.
Mr.
Gallagher, hi, I'm Reverend Murphy.
I'm a pastor at Trinity
and Life Evangelical
Oh, we don't need any more ministers,
but if you want to give
money, that'd be cool
I'm not here for me.
Some folks from my church
wanted to meet you.
This is Alice.
Her parents put her through
conversion therapy twice.
She has something for you.
Go on, honey.
Wow.
That, uh, tha
You drew this? Thank you.
Can you, like, heal people?
I'm a paramedic, so
Well, when are you gonna
perform your next miracle?
[IAN] Oh, no, I don't perform miracles.
Do you I'm sorry, I
only saw the one video.
- What is your ministry, again?
- I don't have one.
I just kind of show up
to these conversion things
and argue with assholes.
I lead meetings at this youth
center if you guys want
[JACK] My boyfriend needs help.
Could you talk to him?
[CROWD MURMURING SOFTLY]
[CROWD CLAMORING]
[EXHALES]
[SIGHS]
[INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER]
Oh, well, lookee here, Mr.
Popularity.
- Mr.
Viral Sensation.
- Okay.
Mr.
King of the Queens.
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