Aah!
My back is killing me!
How much longer?
Oh, only
the Mother Goddess knows.
I think this was a mistake,
coming here.
Oh, nonsense.
Once we get this water boiling,
we can sterilize the tools.
Those look a littlemedieval.
Uh, uh, uh--never let me down.
Got my cervical dilator,
my forceps,
- my hook.
- Your hook?
In case I need
to break your water.
Is there anything we can do
to speed this up?
Well, sometimes
a baby comes faster
when the nipples are stimulated.
[knuckles crack]
Unbutton your top.
[door opens]
Hey.
I need to crash here tonight.
You have the midterm grades?
[sighs]
Can I sleep here or not?
No.
It's my office.
Where are my midterm grades?
Look, I'm sorry I didn't have
time to finish your work.
I was busy getting fired,
kicked out of my room,
and forced to write
a ten-page essay
on the dangers of drinking.
The department pays me
to teach and grade students.
Yeah, well maybe they should
be paying me,
since I'm the one doing it.
You're two or three advanced
degrees away from that.
Give me the midterms.
I'll do it myself.
Did you hear
what I just went through?
Heard.
Don't care.
Why are you being such a dick?
Look, we've knocked back a few.
But you've forgotten
I'm your boss.
I expect you to do your job.
So I should thank you
for ripping me off?
Excuse me?
I read the paper
you got published.
Nice job stealing my ideas
about complex wave functions.
[snorts]
I gave you credit.
Yeah, as one of your
research assistants.
When I was at Yale, I wrote
half of Jesnick's theories
on non-Newtonian fluids.
It benefited both of us.
You're taking a shit in my mouth
and saying you bought me dinner!
- It's the way it works!
- It's fucking bullshit!
Look, you realize you're
speaking to the one person
who wasn't fired you
in the last few hours, right?
Is that supposed to be a threat?
You're smart, Lip,
but grow the fuck up.
What, like you?
What, a drunk has-been,
coasting on
an outdated reputation,
thriving off of
other peoples' work?
Fuck.
No wonder your kid
wants nothing to do with you.
[exhales sharply]
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
Oh-oh!
Voila, ladies.
[laughing]
Uh-uh.
Said you wanted traditional.
I don't want a hairy ass
in my face.
Speak for yourself.
That guy's got bacne.
Not exactly Magic Mike.
I'm not picky.
This is what I planned,
so this is what we're doing.
It's gonna be epic.
Shots.
Pueblo Viejo.
Hey, give this to owner.
What's that for?
For special price,
owner lets us do special show.
What's a special show?
Oh, you'll see.
- Bottoms up, ladies.
- Whoo-hoo!
[whispers] Daddy.
Daddy.
Hey, hey, I wanted to see you,
but the neonatal Nazis
wouldn't let me.
Shh!
Don't wake Queenie.
After the beating she gave
those two broads at the Pit,
I'm not poking that bear.
How you feeling?
Dad, uh, I want to leave.
Before my next contraction hits.
What?
This place is paradise.
The midwife doesn't remember
what half of her instruments
are for.
And the ones she does remember
look like torture devices.
And she spent the last hour
stimulating my nipples.
I'm tired.
My genitals haven't
pulled a triple shift
since the '94
Puerto Rican Day parade.
No, Daddy, please.
I'm scared.
I want to go home.
[announcer] Ladies, we have
a bachelorette
in the house tonight.
Our first dance is for
the future Mrs.
Fiona Pierce.
Ladies, make some noise!
[laughter]
hip-hop music
[Veronica]
Yes, baby!
[all cheering]
[cheering]
[screaming]
[Fiona] Oh.
[all gasping]
[Kermit]
What?
You said we were all doing
the full Monty.
[screaming]
[applause]
[sighs]
I was hoping somebody
would shoot you today.
Save myself a lot of trouble.
But I guess I was wrong
about you, Carl.
Really?
Fuck no.
You think tackling some punk
is gonna change anything?
I still hate
all 115 pounds of you.
I'm gonna be watching you
like a drone.
And if I find out you've been
fucking my daughter,
I'm gonna take you out.
[Carl] Thanks for the ride,
Sergeant Winslow.
- Hey.
- [car door closes]
What the hell's all that about?
I think I want to be a cop.
[siren chirps]
[Kermit]
I got it pierced years ago.
- Did it hurt?
- Nuh-uh.
[cheering]
Oh, thank you, thank you.
But I'm not actually a stripper.
Shut up.
Take the cash.
Nice moves, babe.
You deserve this.
- Mmm.
- Whoo!
- Yeah!
- Thank you.
I've never dranken
from a penis before.
[laughter]
Lana and I have news.
No, no.
Fatima.
- What?
- That's her new name.
She's Egyptian now.
As-salaam alaikum.
How much you pay
for this piece of shit?
Why, what's wrong with it?
- It's got ten numbers.
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