What-- what do you have, like, diaper rash? That's the worst of it for you? It must be good to be a baby, I'm telling you.
Fuck yeah.
No problems.
No-- no problems.
No problems.
No.
Fuck.
He's not picking up.
- I call police.
- The hell you will.
No, I call police because Crazy Carrot Boy took my baby.
You call the cops, I'm gonna tell them I said Ian could take the baby on a trip.
Who do you think they're gonna believe, huh? Illegal Russian fucking hand-whore or card-carrying, apple pie-eating, "Born on the Fourth of July" American fucking citizen? Pregnant hand-whore who is also mother they will believe.
You need to chill the fuck out, okay? I scared him with the nut ward talk.
He'll get his shit straight.
He'll bring the kid back.
He will.
Hi.
Uh, okay.
So which one of you is Karlson with a "K"? Okay, you can stay.
And then Carlson with a "C", you are actually in the Van Houten towers, West 208, just past Gardner Hall.
- You can't miss it.
- Okay.
- You guys good? - Yeah.
Okay.
- Excuse me.
- Yeah? You're the resident assistant on this floor, right? - Uh-huh.
- I'm Karen Perlow's mom-- 417? She gets a Ritalin every morning, never on an empty stomach, and then an Ativan at lunch-- two if she's feeling anxious at test times.
Okay, listen, I'm sorry, ma'am, but this isn't a summer camp, okay? And I'm not the camp nurse, so Karen, she has to handle her own reds and bennies, all right? Yo, douche bags, you think you could lay off on the water pipe and the porn until Mom and Dad Iowas are back on the Interstate, please? Thank you.
I just had some freshman dad show me how to keep his son from swallowing his own tongue when he has seizures.
You're the one who wanted to be an RA.
No, not wanted to.
Had to.
Free room and board, plus stipend.
You could have moved in with me.
Yeah, no stipend.
Jesus, what's she weigh in at, buck 90, 200? Renaissance women weren't forced to starve themselves into an anorexic fashion industry marketing version of female sexuality.
I bet it was purely missionary.
You know, getting caught under that would be like stepping on a grape.
My new roommate from Craigslist - moved in this morning.
- Oh, yeah? Calls herself "Muff Bulldagger" and drives a Kawasaki.
Yeah? Wait, he did what? Okay, okay, okay.
Uh, hey, listen, I need to borrow your car.
Ian just stole a baby.
Top of the morning, beautiful.
How is my favorite public servant? Buy some deodorant, Frank.
Any governmental gift envelopes addressed to a Gallagher in this little wheeled chariot of yours? It's getting to be that time of month.
Touch my cart, I'll call the cops.
I was just admiring your organizational skill.
- You're a wonder.
- Get a job, Frank.
Well, now, why would I do that, Gail? I'd just be depriving you and your taxpaying, civil-service working, church-going buddies the great privilege of supporting me and mine.
I have a dream, Gail, that one day I will awaken with a baby just like you underneath me.
Oh, my God.
Jesus criminy.
Come on.
Where the hell have you been? Fuck off.
Bedrooms are all locked.
What? Why? To keep you out of them.
I boxed your stuff up and put a flea bomb in for good measure.
Box is in the backyard airing out.
Where am I supposed to sleep? What do I care? You blew the money you promised you'd use to buy me a new trailer, so it's back to the gutter you slept in last night, or you're on the couch.
Ow.
And there are new rules around here.
No money, no food.
You want something to eat, you pay.
And there's a curfew.
No more coming in at 3:00 and waking the whole house up anymore.
Doors will be locked at 10:00.
- 10:00? - 10:00? You got to be fucking kidding me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Young ears.
Doors will be locked at 10:00, no exceptions.
Things are changing around here.
Should have changed years ago.
Liam stays up later than that.
Don't try me on this.
It gets cold out there on the street late at night.
Believe me, I know.
Ugh! Whatever.
I got to shop, get ready for school.
School doesn't start for two more days.
Yeah, middle school starts in two days.
High school starts tomorrow.
Tomorrow's your first day of high school? - Oh, sweetie, are you scared? - No.
I hated ninth grade.
Almost got raped by the entire wrestling team my first day.
Never should have worn a tank top without a bra.
You should dress dowdy like that again tomorrow-- be safer that way.
Oh, oh, oh.
And don't forget to pee before you leave home.
Bathrooms are a nightmare.
Ukrainian girls beat me up my first week because I didn't have any cigarettes.
Last time I went to the little girls' room without a pack of Virginia Slims.
You need any money for school supplies? I can loan you a few dollars until Friday if you do.
No, it's fine.
I have stuff from last year, thanks.
Carl, honey, you need any money for school supplies? Nah, I'm just gonna steal stuff from the weaker kids.
Steal some stuff for Chuckie too, would you please, sweetie? - What the hell happened? - He's crazy.
He steals baby.
He needs to be put away into crazy people place where they spray him with crazy people fire hose and put electric in his head.
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