Careful, careful.
She's not long for this world, I'm afraid.
- Oh.
- She's taken a vow of silence, So you don't have to worry about her Keeping you up all night with her praying.
Oh.
- This is her pain medication.
- Great, yeah.
- And-- and-- Oh, and make sure her ipad is always charged.
She can play angry birds till the cows come home.
Oh, well-- That's just a, um, harness for patients.
- Uh-huh.
- Uh, shed key? - On the fridge, top of the fridge.
Why are you orange? Frank? - I don't know what it is, red, But, uh, I feel less alone in the world Knowing I can drive across town And find you here, bent over cans of chicken stock.
look.
I-I'm sorry.
Truly.
I just-- Can you forgive a man who's falling apart? A little? Yeah.
- Can I kiss you? - No.
Just a little.
So listen.
Um, I need somebody to rob my house, And I'm hoping you could help.
- You want me to rob your house? - Candace changed the locks on the house-- My goddamn house-- And she won't let me back in, So I need someone to steal my stuff.
If I do it, the neighbors might recognize me.
You go in during daylight hours And you look like movers.
You'll be fine.
Look, she stays up till 3:00 a.
M.
Drinking stoli vanilla and watching bowflex ads.
She'll be unconscious until well past noon.
Okay, this could be very lucrative for you.
You can take anything you want.
Come on, it's all insured.
All I want are my two armani suits, My lucien freud, and my bottle Of 1990 chateau latour pauillac.
What do you say? Will you do it? - Frank? - Yes, son? - Why would a dude put his penis In another dude's mouth? - Well, sometimes men discover things about themselves, Like they prefer male genitalia To female genitalia.
Wait.
So some guys like to lick wieners? - Well, I'm sure at first they're attracted To each other's build.
And once a connection gets made, Then the wieners get licked.
It's a scorcher today, ain't it? - Hey, debs, how was the pool? - Great.
Where are the swim diapers? - Thanks.
Uh, aisle nine.
Aah! Did you put tacks in my drawer? - My baby sister should've got your job.
It took me four months to teach her How to swallow without gagging, and for what? Yeah, it's not her fault she got a lazy eye.
She was raised right.
She don't think she's better than nobody.
- I'm sorry about your sister, But I got five kids to feed.
Fiona? - Oh, you know, just employee shenanigans.
You got coupons for this? - I've got an 11:00 ovarian cyst, an 11:30 u.
T.
I.
, And a preteen pregnancy in the lobby, So can you tell me why you're here When I just saw you two weeks ago? - We've been bangin' like bunnies And I can't get pregnant.
I need another exam.
It won't change anything.
- But you said last time I had a chance Of getting pregnant.
- I believe I said you had very little chance.
I also used the words, "highly unlikely" And "wildly improbable.
" - You got my baby girl's hopes up for nothing.
- I chose to mitigate a difficult discussion With upbeat and positive phrasings.
I need to know the truth.
Can I have a damn baby or not? - Put is this way, you have a 99.
999 chance Of not getting pregnant, nothing is impossible.
- So does, like, one penis go into the other penis? - Of course.
When gay dudes get horny, Their pee holes open.
Hey.
Swim diapers.
- Thank god.
I've already had to fish out two poops.
Ew.
Daddy! Hey.
Whoa.
You stink like bleach.
- Yeah, I was at the pool today.
I stayed under for 112 seconds.
- Hey, good for you! - Yeah.
- Show those syphilis-ridden turbo sluts a thing or two.
They think they own the water Just 'cause they piss in it.
we hit something.
What's that smell? - Ew.
- Whew.
- The sewer line? - Oh, man.
You probably should patch that up With some duct tape and a t-shirt.
Aah, god.
Bleh.
- You sure we're digging in the right spot? Ew! Aah! - Man, I can't believe your wife Actually came to your house.
- I thought v was gonna rip her throat out.
Yo, so what's up with you and mandy? You guys seem tight.
I guess.
She's gotten hella clingy.
- You rescued her cross-dressing sibling.
You swashbuckled that shit, man.
Seals the deal for a chick.
I'm serious.
Girls take that hero crap straight to the bank.
She cook for you now? Fold your clothes? - Sometimes.
- She stay over more than four nights a week? Help you out with random stuff? Huh? Dude, you are ghetto married.
Enjoy it.
You get all the perks, No paperwork.
Guys would kill for that setup.
I kinda hate it.
What's wrong with you, man? I think karen messed you up bad.
Gun it.
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