Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, nice little fixer-upper in the neighborhood.
Hear the neighbors can be loud, though, lots of kids.
Fiona's a good girl.
The best.
Known her since we were in Head Start.
Long time, you know? Just drive carefully.
You don't want to get hurt down here.
Mm, this is good.
So, I'm just curious about what happens at the Purity Ball tonight.
Well, it's a Christian event designed to strengthen the bond between fathers and daughters.
We make a covenant.
Of purity.
Like an oath? And then we exchange promise rings and, uh, we do some chastity prayers.
It's fun.
Wow.
Do they have these, um, balls for young men? Why would they? Oh Ready to smile? Aw.
Oh, that's so nice! It's beautiful.
One more, one more.
One more, one more.
Oh, come on.
It's so nice.
Oh, yeah! Hey, you're back! Oh, hell yeah.
Showed that Jasper a thing or two.
Bastard's going to be begging me not to sue him.
Let us have a bottle of your good stuff.
I've got some money coming.
You know, when you die, I'm gonna go to your funeral and I'm gonna sing a song.
It goes, I got money coming Oh, boy.
Bet you wish you'd had that vasectomy by now, huh? Just thought you'd want to know Carl's all right.
They re-set his arm.
Yeah, so please stay on your barstool, and just keep drinking.
Hey.
Let's just do what we came here to do.
If you're looking for money, I don't have any yet.
Your mom still hasn't signed my settlement papers.
I don't know where she's been all day.
She's been getting Liam's DNA results.
Congratulations, you're still the father.
Are you serious? Ooh.
I thought that was always a rumor about Nana Gallagher having an affair with that sax player.
Promise you won't sign anything forfeiting parental rights.
Come on! You know what a bad mother Monica is.
I'm just letting her pretend that she can have him so I can get my settlement.
What if she doesn't give up that easy? No, no.
No, this is a win-win situation.
I mean, even if she takes him for just a little while, she'll be back.
Crying about her low self-esteem, or how boys actually need their fathers, or penis grief.
That's when you wake up in the middle of the night and you look at the person next to you, and you say, "Somebody help me! I just fucked a lady.
" I've never asked you for anything.
Ever.
Oh, come on.
Will you please give me some time with this? I can do this, I, just don't pressure me.
I've gotta walk away.
- What? - If I don't walk away, I'm going to fucking hit him.
What the hell? Fuck! Debs.
If you do this, you are on your own, and I'm not kidding.
I'm done.
I'm gone.
Bullshit.
You'll never leave those monkeys, you love them too much.
Kids.
Before we begin, let me just say how proud we are of your desire to re-purify.
My daughters participated, and now, although still single, are enjoying very spirit-filled lives.
Patty? Would you like to start? Last year when I was singing madrigal, I started dating a boy in the choir.
He said we were dating, but we never met outside of our make-out sessions in the rehearsal hall.
I repeatedly let him touch me on my breasts, through my shirt and bra.
And once, I felt his his rod touch my leg.
This is so embarrassing.
I can't believe I let him do this.
- I'm so sorry.
- Thank you, Patty.
I want to thank you for your courage to confront your struggles with desire.
Who's next? Elaine? Hi.
My name is Elaine, and I only touched one penis.
Once.
If I didn't, I was going to get hit with a pipe.
God, why did you let my daughter become a slave to the flesh? I was going to get hit with a pipe! So the lawyer said there's nothing you can do? If we sue, it could backfire.
Make things worse.
Jesus.
This place still smells like old man Harris.
What did Monica want? She wants us to come over for dinner.
Some kind of a family meeting.
Family? Fucking load of shit.
You told her we know Liam is Frank's? Yeah.
You have any pot? I think if I have to go see Mom conscious, - I might actually commit a violent felony.
- That's the first time in a long time I've heard you call her Mom.
I did? I don't know if I ever really felt like she was my mom.
Ian and I got our DNA tests done.
Why? I don't know, got excited at the idea of not being Frank's, and if none of us are his, then you'd have a much easier time becoming our legal guardians.
Lip's gonna pick up the results in about an hour.
Well here's to you not being Frank's.
My actions have been unladylike and base in nature, and for that I am truly sorry.
Karen.
In order for you to receive the full gift of purity, you need to be as honest as you can.
It's okay, sweetheart.
Just tell what happened.
Um, well, okay.
I started having oral sex at a very young age, maybe 13.
It was guys around the neighborhood three or four at first and then, well, more than three or four.
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