5. Get Schwifty (第2季)【完整台词】

Well, do you think, maybe-- Could you give me some help with it, or? Aw, hell no, man.

You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame.

You know what I'm saying? Ice, I don't want to be a negative Nelly or anything, but if Morty doesn't come back with my portal gun and I eat it out there, it's, uh, you know, kind of your problem, too.

Pfft! I ain't worried about no earth blowing up, man.

What? Why not? Yo, this is why.

What the [bleep] you can turn into ice? My story begins at the dawn of time in the faraway realm of alphabetrium.

There, every being is a letter of the alphabet.

But I was frozen and exiled to the cosmos by my elders as punishment for not caring enough about anything.

Earth is just one of my many stops on a lifelong journey with no destination.

So you better believe I don't care if it blows up, because I'll just be ice floating through space, like a comet.

Take it from me, ice, you can't just float around space not caring about stuff forever.

Pfft.

Man, watch me.

Good luck, Rick.

Okay, things are getting out of hand.

I better make sure Rick has everything he needs to get schwifty.

Oh, for God's sakes.

That's enough.

What the hell are you doing, Nathan?! I'm the goddamn president of the United [bleep] States! I'm setting the nuclear option to launch one minute into earth's performance.

And you, Mr.

President I hope you like being hit in the face with a gun.

Wait, wait, wait.

Why-- why-- I believe I can access the history of Rick's gun and help you get back to him.

But can you help me get to my family? You know, at-- at my house? Is your intention to abandon Rick using his own portal gun? In bird culture, this is considered a dick move.

All of Rick's moves are dick moves! What-- What am I eating? Wh-what is this, bird-- birdseed? It is random debris.

I found it in my carpet.

I don't know what humans eat.

- You know what this human eats.

- Don't be gross, Tammy.

Bird [bleep].

Tammy, gross.

Birdperson, you always stick up for Rick, but he doesn't care about anyone but himself.

He doesn't think about the consequences of anything he does.

And as a result, he has the power to save or destroy entire worlds.

And he is the reason you and I know each other And the reason I'm alive at all.

What's that? Who's that baby? Morty, suppose you could retrieve your family from Earth but had to abandon Rick.

I could give your loved ones shelter on birdworld, even jobs, possibly as worm ranchers.

How often do you think you might look up at the stars and wonder what might have been had you just put your faith in Rick? That was Chunkytunk with "Full Ming Mong, Empty Gorbdork.

" Up next, planet Earth! Oh, God! We're up?! Jerry and Beth, your family is a golden example of what headism has to offer the world.

- The world? - Headism is a hit.

We're taking it worldwide, and we'd like Jerry to be our church's head of advertising.

You would? Beth, we'd like to promote you from horse surgeon straight past human surgeon to head of medicine.

That's my dream! That's my dream.

Thank you.

This is all so overwhelming.

But, uh - We can't.

- Absolutely not.

I'm sorry? We've been waiting 16 years for our daughter to respect us, but the key is, it has to be our daughter, not this person she's become.

We'll take our chances raising her without fancy new jobs, outside of a potato-based religion.

And you know what? I-I'm sick of pretending that we're together because of the kids in the first place.

I married you because you're the love of my life.

And I'm lucky to have you, and I never tell you that! You know, we will come out of this stronger as a family.

Please don't do this! Please don't do this! - Summer! - Summer, listen carefully.

I stole a paper clip, and I have it in my cheek, but I don't know what to do with it, and it hurts.

You're going to be okay.

You will come back as babies.

I am a baby! I'm a baby now! Hello? Is anybody here? Mr.

President! This is bluebird! Code tango niner Alpha! Abort launch! Abort! Hello? He's blocked me out.

Sir, I need to get to the stage and help Rick get schwifty! It won't matter how schwifty you get, Morty.

The general's got nukes set to launch halfway through earth's song! Oh, my God! Uh, c-can you fly a black hawk? Can the pope's [bleep] fit through a doughnut? Uh, I'm Not sure.

Exactly.

Show me what you got! Uh Lapoo lapoo lapoo dops Napoo napoo napoo nots Headward, free now to rise.

Hey, look at the heads! Looks like the heads are getting angry! I'm really bad at this, Morty! There are way too many buttons in this thing! Mr.

President, if I've learned one thing today it's that sometimes you have to not give a [bleep]! Napoo napoo nots Ugh.

Tough crowd.

I'm sure that has-- That has nothing to do with this.

The heads are displeased! Summer! Um Morty! Hooray! Hooray! Look! Hooray! The heads love this! They love it when we don't kill the Smith family! No! Stop that! You're not allowed to interpret the will of the heads! Call off the nuclear strike! This is the president! Stop the nuclear missile launch! Just launch the missiles! Boo! Not cool! I'm the only one that speaks to the heads! Disqualified! The heads disqualified Vagina! Get him! Disqualified! Disqualified! Ice-T?! That's right.

It's me-- Ice-T.

I care now.

You made me care more.

With all due respect, I'd like to hear what Rick and Morty have to play.

What do you say, Rick? I say, let's do it! Hooray! Yeah.

All right.

- Oh, yeah - Uh-huh.

Here we go.

Oh, yeah Say it with me Head bent over Raised up posterior Oh, yeah Head bent over Yeah, raised up posterior Sing it with me now! Oh, my go-- Head bent over Yeah.

Raised up posterior All right! Head bent over Oh, yeah.

Raised up posterior! After 988 seasons of "Planet Music", the cromulons have decided to declare earth the final winner and bring our musical reality show to a conclusion.

Goodbye.

- Yeah! - We did it! Yes! Let's get a music album now! Did he just say "musical reality show"? Yeah, it's possible that we may have been correlating some things that weren't actually related at all.

Help! We should go get him.

I hope I can call on you and Rick again if I need you, Morty.

Sure thing.

And I-- I was kind of hoping that I could get a selfie with you? Actually, if you try to tell anyone what happened here, we'll deny it and probably worse.

Understood.

D-i-i-i-i-ie! Oh, no, no, no! Why didn't he turn into a snake? Trade secret, Mr.

President.

Particle beam in a wristwatch, snake holster on the leg.

I love this man! Magnesium-J, Hydrogen-F Father.

Word of your selfless acts on the Earth planet have traveled across the galaxy.

I have changed.

I am ready to rejoin my brethren on alphabetrium.

Very well.

Your exile ends today.

Welcome home, Water-T.

The numbericons! They're attacking! Battle stations! Aah! Father! I love you, son.

I should have never turned you to ice.

Water-T, where are you going?! There's too many of them! Then I better crunch the numbers.

Aaaaaaaaaaaah!