8. Rixty Minutes (第1季)【完整台词】

- Cynthia - Oh, my God! No, no - I told you! - Hold on Will you please Not marry me? I choose Veronica.

- What? - Yes! - Called it.

- Why would he choose Veronica? Because he loves her.

Well if it's any consolation, Summer, none of it mattered, and the entire show is stupid.

Okay, I've got an idea, Rick.

You show us your concept of "good TV", and we'll crap all over that.

I thought you'd never ask.

Hey! Oh, cool! Is that crystallized Zanthonite? It conducts electrons across dimensions.

Twenty percent accurate, as usual, Morty.

The important thing being I just upgraded our cable package with programming from every conceivable reality.

Wait, does that mean we get Showtime Extreme? How about Showtime Extreme in a world where man evolved from corn.

We're not so different.

We're both corn of action.

Yeah.

But one of us is dead corn! - Boring.

- Summer, you just spent three months, watching a man choose a fake wife.

So what? It'd be better if the people were corn? Jerry, you don't get it.

This is infinite TV, from infinite universes.

Look.

This shit is delicious.

A movie about a guy eating shit.

A violent Antiques Show - It's a pleasure to have you.

- The pleasure's all mine.

Letterman from a time line where Jerry's famous - Wait! - What in the hell? I agree.

Where is this going? No, the other thing! Go back! Really? All right, fine.

Glenn, this is a court order.

It says you can't eat shit anymore.

All right, Jerry, when you're right, you're right.

Now I'm hooked.

Rick and Morty S01E08 "Rixty Minutes" by paulo loppes Corrections by TPBfan Tweaking by XhmikosR Coming up next on "Shmloo's the Shmloss", Shmlony has a nightmare.

Shmlantha, Schmlona! Amazing.

A dimension where all proper nouns begin with "Schmla".

Schmlove, Schmlandula, Schmlonathan All right, that got that actually got old pretty quick.

Rick, would you please go back to me on David Letterman? Infinity's a big number, Jerry.

I don't remember the channel.

- Go back, go back! - Jeez You speak da tru-tru.

Oh my God! Dad's in Cloud Atlas! I'm in Cloud Atlas! What's Cloud Atlas? Sometimes small tru-tru different than da big tru-tru.

How is this possible? Infinite time lines, infinite possibilities.

Including a time line where Jerry's a movie star.

Look, you guys are getting excited about the wrong aspect of this device.

Wa Look at this.

And now, another Quick Mystery.

I just want to know who could've done something like this.

It's a travesty! I did.

See this knife and all the blood on it? Here's my fingerprints.

Guilty! I sentence you to life in prison.

- Here's another Quick Mystery.

- My mother's dead! And I killed her.

Here's the weapon.

And cuff me, thank you very much.

Guilty! Sentenced to murder.

- Here's another.

- I'm the killer! Wow, that one was really quick, wasn't it? Now who wants to watch random, crazy TV shows from different dimensions and then who wants to narcissistically obsess about their alternate self? - I want to obsess about myself.

- The narcisstic stuff.

Here.

These scan your retinas, and let you view parallel time lines through genetically matching versions of your eyes.

Go fetch! - Yes! This is so cool! - Ladies First! I'm proud of you, Morty.

Hey man, I don't give a crap about myself, Rick.

Let's watch some crazy stuff, yo! I'm Ants-In-My-Eyes Johnson, Here at Ants-in-My-Eyes Johnson's Electronics.

I mean, there's so many ants in my eyes! And there's so many TVs, microwaves, radios I think, I can't I'm not 100% sure what we have here in stock, because I can't see anything.

Our prices I hope aren't too low! Check out this refrigerator! Only $200! What about this microwave? Only $100! That's fair! I'm Ants-in-My-Eyes Johnson! Everything's black, I can't see a thing! And also I can't feel anything either, did I mention that? But that's not as catchy as having ants in your eyes.

So that always goes, you know, off by the wayside.

I can't feel.

It's a very rare disease.

All my All my nerves, they don't allow for the sensation of touch.

So I never know what's going on.

Am I standing? Sitting? I don't know.

Are we sure we want to do this? Look at our own alternate lives? You're right.

Maybe we should just play Yahtzee.

Give me those! - What do you see? - Whiteness.

Pure whiteness.

You're my best friend, Jerry Smith.

I love doing cocaine with you.

Whoa I love doing cocaine with you too, Johnny Depp! Haven't we spent enough time on you? I'm performing surgery but not on a horse, on a human! That's great, Beth! You always wanted to be a real surgeon.

I am a real surgeon.

- Ahh uh Summer's turn! - Finally! I don't see anything.

Well, you should select a different timeline, I mean, if your father and I achieved our dreams, there's a chance you weren't even born.

That came out wrong.

That came out very wrong.

Fine, I'll find a world where you bothered to have me.

We're playing Yahtzee.

- Yahtzee's fun.

We love Yahtzee.

- It's a fun game for fun families! Hey, could I get those goggles back for a second? It's a 45 horsepower with anti-lock brakes, and it's the official car of Mr.

Sneezy 3D.

It's the brand-new Sneezy XL.

The horn when you honk it makes a sneeze noise.

It's polite, it's right, and it's Sneezy Deezy Mc Deluxe.

Oh, I'm Mr.

Sneezy! Achoo! Huh, seems like TV from other dimensions has a somewhat looser feel to it.

Yeah, it's got an almost improvisational tone.

It's in theaters now! Coming this summer: Two brothers.

In a van.

And then a meteor hit.

And they ran as fast as they could from giant cat monsters.

And then a giant tornado came and that's when things got knocked into 12th gear.

A Mexican armada shows up.

With weapons made from To-tomatoes.

And you better bet your bottom dollar that these two brothers know how to handle business.

In: Alien Invasion Tomato Monster Mexican Armada Brothers, Who Are Just Regular Brothers, Running In a van from an Asteroid and All Sorts of Things THE MOVIE! Hold on, there's more! Old women are coming, and they're also in the movie, and they're gonna come, and cross attack these two brothers.