1
[DAVID] Can't sleep?
No, me neither.
Must be all the excitement.
All these people.
Here
Is that better?
I'll leave you now.
But know one thing.
If you ever tell your mother
or anyone else, about today
I will snap you in two.
[BIRDSONG]
[CLOCK TICKING]
-
- [TICKING CONTINUES]
[PILLS RATTLE]
[KETTLE STARTS TO BOIL]
[KETTLE CLICKS OFF]
[MOTORCYCLE PASSING BY]
[CRUNCHING]
[TV THEME TUNE]
[MALE PRESENTER ON TV] Hello,
and welcome to Telethon Tuneup.
Now there's lots to tell
you about in the program.
But right now I'm waiting for a bus.
In fact, this is the bus now.
I suppose it looks a fairly
ordinary kind of bus to you,
but believe you me, this
bus is pretty special,
because inside it's got fun
and sun, for Telefun.
Not bad, eh? Here we go.
Hello.
One ticket, please,
to the Telefun spots
of Yorkshire-by-the-Sea.
Thank you.
Aha, a bargain.
[HEAVY ROCK MUSIC]
[METALLIC CLANGING]
[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
[CHORAL MUSIC]
Madam.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Bridget, darling, what's
this in Dempster this morning?
"200 guests, 10,000 acres,
party of the year.
"
Sounds like we're made of money!
I told you not to talk to the press!
I didn't talk to the press!
"'I'm just having a few friends over
to celebrate my husband's
birthday, ' says Lady Gravesend.
Guests include Princess Margaret.
"
Frankly, I wish I hadn't bothered.
It's so gray out there!
If it was May or June,
we could be out on the big
lawn, but November
One can't help when one's born.
No.
It's extremely aggravating.
I've asked Tony to come
early to help brighten it up.
God.
That appalling man
shouldn't be coming at all.
Jumped-up painter and decorator.
Just keep him away from Princess
Margaret.
Little popinjay!
What is a popinjay, I wonder?
Darling, haven't you
forgotten something?
- Happy birthday!
- [MAKES KISSING SOUND]
- [KEYPAD BEEPS]
- [MUTTERS]
[DOORBELL RINGS CONTINUOUSLY]
[PATRICK] Yes, hello?
[NICHOLAS] Now, why haven't
you replied to Bridget?
You simply must come.
Open the door!
[PATRICK SIGHS]
Do you have any idea
how difficult it was
to get you invited in the first place?
I'm very grateful, but
I don't think I'm ready
for the world just yet.
Why are these curtains drawn?
[GRUNTS] There.
Better than a psychiatric
ward, I suppose.
Theoretically.
I need a drink.
Do you have a drink, a proper drink?
No, that's one of the reasons
I was on the psychiatric ward.
- I can offer you herbal teas.
- Don't be absurd.
You know, you might
at least open a window,
or take a step outside once in a while.
And your mother, she's almost
as reclusive as you are.
Amazing, isn't it?
She thinks there might be more
to life than going to parties.
[SCOFFS] Yes, I always thought
she was a little peculiar.
- Where is she?
- As far as I'm aware
she's driving a consignment
of 10,000 syringes to Poland.
Everyone says it's marvelous of her,
but I still think
charity begins at home.
I wish she'd bring them round here.
I thought you'd er
put all that behind you.
Behind me, in front of me.
You're very melodramatic today.
Yes, well, I've realized
I've given up everything
- and taken up nothing.
- You've taken up the law.
You're going to "work for a living".
Yes, that's the intention.
In fact, it's a necessity
now with the medical bills.
- But I still feel as if life
- That's enough.
Sit down.
- I beg your pardon?
- Sit down.
Offended as I am by the
very idea of a "pep talk",
I'm left with no choice.
You can't rot in this hovel.
Quite apart from how depressing it is,
I owe it to your dear
papa to get you back
- into the swim of things.
- But the fear is, Nicholas,
- that I might drown.
- Nonsense.
Pull yourself together,
find something to wear,
and if you must talk about
life, you can do so at the party.
I'm sure someone will listen to you.
And remember, it's a party:
you're not meant to enjoy it.
[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]
Oh, God.
I know what you're
thinking, not enough color.
That's why I've bought you these.
I thought tents, I thought
poles, I thought ribbons,
- I thought maypoles.
- They look like er
Sonny's regimental tie.
I had them specially made.
- Wonderful.
How much?
- Oh, 20 and the dreaded.
I see.
[CHUCKLES] What's the dreaded?
- V.
A.
T.
- Goodness.
[FEMALE SCOTTISH ACCENT]
You are a naughty, naughty girl!
- Oh, dear.
- Running out here without
I do wish Nanny wasn't
quite so horrid to Belinda.
Why don't you just sack the old hag?
She's terrifying.
Tony, just make it better, will you?
Darling.
[SHE EXHALES]
[NANNY] Where did you get this?
Tell me! Where?
- Did you steal it?
- Nanny,
I'm sure she didn't steal it.
One of the security
men will have lost it.
Here.
I'll find out who it belongs to.
Mummy, will you come and play?
Your mummy's much too busy
to play with the likes of you!
Maybe later, darling.
[CLICK, STATIC WHINES]
Hello? Hello, can you hear me?
Hello, I've got your walkie-talkie.
[WHINING AND CRACKLING]
[SONNY] Of course I'll tell her.
But it can hardly be tonight
after all the trouble she's gone to.
[WOMAN] But all this
skulking around and lying.
- And at your party too.
- I know, I know, I know.
But let's not think
about that now, my love.
The important thing is I
get to see you in the flesh,
even if it's just a glimpse.
[PHONE RINGS]
[WOMAN] Who is that, d'you think?
[MAN GROANS]
- [YAWNS]
- [MAN GROANS]
- [PHONE RINGS]
- Aren't you going to answer it?
- Not this second.
- [CLICK AND BEEP]
Bridget's party tonight, I
need you to come as my guest.
- It's Patrick! Go and answer!
- Debbie's going to be there.
Debbie, who I need to
apologize to but I can't,
not without taking drugs,
which is the very thing
I need to apologize for.
And Julia.
Julia will be
there and her bloody husband.
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